WIBTA if I picked my best friend over my wife?
A Reddit user shares a challenging dilemma between honoring his partner’s wishes and maintaining a long-standing friendship that feels more like family. After his partner discovered his history with his best friend.
She requested that he cut ties, leaving him torn between two important relationships. How will he navigate this complex situation? Read the story below to find out.
‘ WIBTA if I picked my best friend over my wife?’
This is a complicated situation that I’m having a hard time working through so I’m looking to get opinions from people who are not attached to the situation. Yes I made the title intentionally incendiary so people would click but hear me out.
I am 38M, my “wife” (we are not legally married but I call her my wife) is Abby 37F, my best friend Emily is 38F and her wife Sara is 33F.
Emily and I have been best friends since high school. In college, we both went through a tough time (my dad got cancer in sophomore year (he survived), she was generally depressed)
and got much closer, then ended up hooking up for about a year. It was confusing and we were never officially dating but it happened. Now Emily prefers women though she is still bisexual, and she and Sara have been together for 8 years and have 2 kids.
Sara knows that we have some history together but doesn’t care and we developed a friendship. I love kids and was involved with theirs from the beginning, and the kids see me as an uncle. I met Abby in May of last year and we dated casually for a few months until she told me she was pregnant.
Neither of us was looking for something serious but we decided to see if we could make it work and tbh it worked better than either of us expected. We are neither’s usual type. Abby prefers clubbing in Ibiza, I prefer hiking in the Amazon. She isn’t super political but I’m more involved in social issues. That sort of thing.
We actually work well together but we do argue a lot. Since this is still a newish relationship and we just had a baby it’s not surprising and I know communication issues are ultimately fixable. I actually quit my job to be a SAHD so she can maintain her career as much as possible.
We make similar incomes but I’m not as career driver. Emily and Sara have also been a huge help as we adjust to being parents. Now, to the problems. The main reason I’m here is that Abby found out that Emily and I had a thing (she found Emily’s autograph in one of my yearbooks! so random) and wants me to cut off contact with her.
This did not come up before because our relationship went from zero to sixty and we skipped a lot of getting to know each other.
I can’t tell if this is a reasonable request or not. Normally, I would say it is very reasonable to want to set a boundary with past partners,
but at this point Emily is like family to me, and honestly so are Sara and the kids. The thought of no longer being in the kids’ lives is horrible. The thought of doing anything physical with Emily now is gross and the thought of doing anything to jeopardize her happy family is a**orrent.
And honestly, since I am the SAHP, I don’t want to give up their help at this time in our child’s life. Abby is not as involved as I’d like her to be and the brunt of the childcare and housework is on me.
She promised she’d be more involved but I think she is finding out now that being a mother is more work than she expected and she can’t maintain her work at the previous level AND be as engaged with her child as she wants. I told Abby that I understood her concerns but this was a tough choice for me to make.
She understandably feels betrayed. I wasn’t intentionally hiding anything from her but it didn’t occur to me to bring up something from nearly two decades ago. I offered to go to couples’ counseling but she declined.
I asked Emily what she thought and she said she would be heartbroken but would understand if I needed to put my wife first, which was not what I expected. I asked my parents what they thought and they didn’t give a straight answer but seemed horrified at the thought of me cutting off Emily, since they know and care about her too.
I’m not sure what do. I can’t even think straight due to the sleep deprivation, and cutting off my main support person (two if you count Sara) at this time is not something I want to think about.
Part of me also knows that Abby and I are still getting to know each other since we’ve been together for a grand total of 1.5 years and it’s possible I will find out that we are incompatible in the long run. In previous serious relationships I did bring up my friendship with Emily early on so I could avoid this very situation.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
LeaJadis − NTAH, but seriously my guy, this relationship is doomed. You guys are extremely different people and you are only together because birth control didn’t work.
GlitteringDistrict13 − NTA. Also out of curiosity why do you call her your wife? You’re still getting to know each other – did the baby make you jump straight into husband and wife mode? Do you just think it sounds better than girlfriend or partner since you’re raising a child together?
Away-Understanding34 − ESH…you both jumped into a serious relationship and having a baby without actually seeing if you can be compatible. Then you hide that your closest friend was someone you were intimate with. Of course she’s going to flip out about this. She probably wonders what else you are hiding from her.
She has gone off the deep end now and doesn’t want to even try to compromise. Also, “cutting off my main support person (two if you count Sara)” – why isn’t your partner your main support person? You don’t seem to view Abby as important as Emily and Sara. That to me is wrong. Your partner is who should be most important.
Abby has probably picked up on that and that could also fuel her insecurity here. If you want to try to make it work, you will need to insist on couples counseling. Declining is not an option. Or if you don’t want to try, then walk away and try to coparent. If you do decide to split up, a little advice for the future.
If you have been intimate with someone you keep in your life, you need to be upfront with your partner. You don’t get to decide if this is an insignificant detail for someone else. Some people won’t care but it might be a big deal to others. You need to give them all the information so they can decide if you are the right partner for them.
SuggestionMedical736 − The NTA is insane to me. So you married your wife and hid from her you used to f**k the woman you think of as family? And now, after being dishonest with her, you want to break up your family for your ex and use her career as an excuse?
Lol, gl with that. Enjoy having every relationship you will ever be destroyed by this woman. Maybe next time, if someone is your friend and likes family to you, resist the urge to stick your d**k in them.. YTA.
BlueGreen_1956 − NTA. I think given the full story, your decision to end things with Abby might be the right move. The only thing that would make me hesitate would be that there is a child involved. Whatever you decide to do, good luck and godspeed.
Ok-Panic-9083 − I can tell that I am going to be the unpopular opinion here but… here goes. Now is the time to reevaluate your relationship with Abby. I am a firm believer in putting your relationship with your wife above all other relationships. So if you want to keep her in your life, then you will need to respect her wishes.
I do believe that men and women can be friends. But whether it was intentional or not, you did not disclose to Abby the history of your relationship. The fact that you also consider this other woman to be your best friend, I’d be willing to bet that you also would confide in your friend your relationship woes.
This combination can threaten your romantic relationship whether it is just in Abby’s mind or something that may be down the horizon. Even if you convince Abby to accept your friendship with this other woman, she will more than likely have fears in the back of her mind. Its not fair to Abby to put her in that position.
At this point, having both women in your life is most likely not possible. As a woman, I’ve had friends that I have slept with in the past, but my boyfriend also wouldn’t feel comfortable with me being best friends with them either. Those friendships will and have taken a backseat when I am in a relationship and I am more than okay with this.
If you hadn’t ever slept with your friend, and never saw her that way then my answer may be a little different. Now with that being said, if you don’t see the value in growing this relationship with Abby, by all means… you know what to do.
But in the future, you need to disclose this relationship. There are a lot of people here who agree with you. Still there are some who don’t, and it will be in your best interest to weed them out early before things get too serious.
Apart-Scene-9059 − NTA: I’ll say it. I don’t think you love Abby. Seems like you’re together for the child. Now that she is telling you to sacrifice someone important to you, you realize she isn’t worth it.
That’s not a slight on her but she isn’t the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. If she was while the decision would be tough you wouldn’t be leaning to break up.
biteme717 − You are both. You are putting your ex (because that is what she is) above your not legal wife and lying by omission. I am very curious to know if you are the sperm donor (dad) to your ex’s kids. You are the AH for raw doggin your GF and not taking precautions to prevent this.
YTA, for bringing everyone into your relationship problem. YTA, for stringing your GF along because you don’t know if she’s the one for you. You’re not TA for having doubts. You’re NTA, for not wanting to end a friendship. YTA, if you think that you are going to take your child away from its mother to raise it with your ex and her wife.
You’re the AH because ALL of this could have been avoided, but you lied. I feel for your not legal wife you put in this situation, especially if you are the daddy to other children. Your, not legal wife should, be your best friend. You have created a mess and will probably be a part-time dad.
Own-Writing-3687 − A version of this best friend post appears once a week. . It’s boring. If you were on love, you would not be asking.
Your partner deserves someone that loves her. You deserve someone like yourself.
Gypsy-Momma1930 − NTA. Have you explained to her that it was 20 years ago? Or that the thought of being with your bestie is now gross to you? It sounds like she’s more of a sister to you now than anything else.
Interestingly I’m coming from a somewhat similar situation. I am a SAHM and I got pregnant about a month and a half after I met my fiance. Our daughter is 10 months old and we’ve been together almost 2 years. I am actually friends with my first husband (we’ve been divorced for almost 15 years).
Now, we’re not as close as it seems like you are with your best friend but we talk and we’ve seen each other a couple of times at the park but the idea of being with him now… No thanks. The biggest things we bond over now are our little girls
(his daughter with his most recent ex is a few years older so I go to him for advice sometimes) and bad dad jokes. My fiance has absolutely no problem with this because I told him up front about it and made it clear that I have absolutely no interest in my ex.
He’s an ex for a reason. Not a bad guy we just got married way too young and didn’t know what the heck we were doing and it lasted barely a year.
I absolutely love the life that I have with my fiance and I would never do anything to jeopardize that and thankfully he understands that. Despite popular beliefs, exes can be friends without it being a s**ual thing, though it is admittedly rare.
Do you think the user should prioritize his partner’s wishes for the sake of their relationship, or is maintaining a strong, family-like friendship equally important? How would you handle a similar situation where boundaries and history collide? Share your thoughts below!
For those who want to read the next part: https://aita.pics/hsRGS