WIBTA if I don’t join my husband and daughter at his parents house for Christmas?
A Redditor (mid-40s, married for 14 years) is facing a dilemma about spending Christmas at her in-laws’ house. Her father-in-law has constantly put her down, and despite her love for the rest of the family, she fears that his negative comments will ruin the holiday.
With her mother-in-law being terminally ill, she doesn’t want to cause any issues, but she also wants to spend time with her older children, whom she might not be able to see much in the future. Should she stay home to avoid the drama or join her family and risk another argument with her father-in-law? Read the full story below.
‘ WIBTA if I don’t join my husband and daughter at his parents house for Christmas?’
For context – I have been with my husband for 14 years and we have an 11yo daughter. I was previously married and have a 19 yo son and 18yo daughter from that marriage.
As I said, my husband and I have been together for 14 years. In that time I have had to put up with his AH father constantly putting me down and making it clear he thinks I’m not good enough for his son. We both dislike each other intensely but remain civil for the sake of the family. I love his mother and siblings and their families.
All of them – except him. He makes snide remarks any chance he gets and takes any opportunity to put me down or criticize anything I do. His family know what he’s like, but don’t make an issue of it so as not to upset his mum – which I understand. They’ve also put up with him and his attitude all their lives so it doesn’t really phase them anymore. I can live with that.
Here’s where it gets tricky. My MIL is terminally ill with inoperable cancer. She has been given a year. 3 at the most. This could be her last Christmas, although I really hope it’s not. As all 3 of their children are adults with their own extended families, it becomes a juggling act and we (hubby, child and myself) are usually the only ones there on Christmas day with them.
I also have my adult children who I would like to spend some of the day with. Again, trying to coordinate with them and if/when they’re with their dad and his family. Cut to May of this year. I was fired from my job for something I didn’t do. It’s now in the hands of my lawyer, but my reputation has been damaged. It has really affected me and destroyed my confidence as I had a great reputation prior.
So. I know that if I spend Christmas day at my in laws, he is going to bring up why I’m not working etc (they don’t know why). This will inevitably lead to me not wanting to discuss it, and him pushing the issue. If I tell him I don’t want to talk about it, he’ll make a big deal about it.
If I do tell him why, he’ll turn it all around on me and use it to support his view that I’m not good enough. In either case, things will be uncomfortable and may escalate further (verbally). My mental state is not great right now and I’m sick of his s**t.
I don’t want that to upset my MiL, I want her to enjoy the day. I also don’t want our daughter to witness it and get upset. He won’t care as he will put more importance on bringing me down, rather than being happy as a family.
I would obviously rather spend my time with my oldest two before they grow up and have families of their own and it becomes even more hectic. That’s not to say I wouldn’t see them, but I think you know what I mean. So, fellow Redditors, WIBTA if I stay home with my oldest kids and enjoy part of the day with them instead of going to my inlaws and risking an argument?
Take a look at the comments from fellow users:
anonoaw − NTA, but if this is your MIL’s last Christmas, will you regret not spending it with her? Personally, I would rather s**k it up and spend time with someone I love who is dying. But that’s not a morally superior choice – just something to make sure you’re fully okay with.
Beyond that, wtf is your husband doing? Why doesn’t he tell his father to cut it out? Why doesn’t he stand up for you? This should not be something you deal with alone.
hadMcDofordinner − NTA Stay home. Plan a video call to MIL to let her know that she is in your thoughts. After the holidays, try to find another time to see her, if you can. If FIL starts in on you, just tell him that you don’t care what he thinks, what he says, you only want to visit MIL as she is actually someone you DO care about. Tell him that his constant need to criticize and belittle reveals much more about him than it ever did about you. Then, ignore him.
Ok_Country8326 − NTA 100%. But you really need to take ownership of your time and energy and be resolute in your position. This is the year it really matters. If you fall short, you will likely have regrets that will follow you.
To navigate this situation while including your MIL and excluding your FIL, here’s a strategy that allows you to maintain respect for your MIL while setting a firm boundary with your FIL…
Focus on the Real Priority—Your MIL: Your MIL is terminally ill, and this may be one of the last Christmases you spend together. Put the focus on her and make it clear to your husband that you want to be there for her, not for any drama. Position it as a matter of honoring your MIL and making the most of this time with her, rather than engaging in the ongoing toxic dynamics.
Example: “I really want to be there for your mom, especially with everything going on. I don’t want her to be caught in the middle of any tension, and I want to make this Christmas peaceful for her.”
Have a Calm Discussion with Your Husband: Tell your husband that you will attend the holiday with your MIL, but under one crucial condition: FIL will not be part of the equation. Be clear that you are not willing to be in a space where FIL’s toxic behavior will affect your mental health, and you’ll attend only if he can avoid creating conflict.
Example: “I’m willing to spend Christmas with your mom, but I won’t be in the same space as your dad. If he’s there and I have to deal with his behavior, I’m not coming. I need this to be about your mom, not about unnecessary tension.”
Set Boundaries with Your MIL: Approach your MIL privately and explain the situation in a calm and respectful way. Let her know that you want to be there for her, but due to the circumstances, you can’t engage with FIL. Frame it as protecting the atmosphere for her, so she can enjoy the time without unnecessary drama. Emphasize that your priority is her comfort, not getting dragged into the same old family tensions.
Example: “I want to spend time with you and make this Christmas special. But I can’t be around FIL’s behavior this year. I hope you understand, and I’ll still be there to spend time with you.” Stick to the Plan: If your husband tries to push back on this, stay firm but calm.
Let him know that you’re not asking him to choose sides, just to ensure that the family holiday isn’t ruined by FIL’s behavior. Emphasize that this is about respecting your boundaries and your need for a peaceful environment, especially given everything you’ve been through this year.
Support Your MIL: On the day of the holiday, show up with a mindset of making your MIL’s last Christmas as peaceful and joyful as possible. Take the initiative to spend time with her, help with anything she needs, and make sure she feels supported. If FIL shows up, make a quiet exit if necessary, but don’t let it disrupt the focus on your MIL.
Enjoy the Time with Your Children: You can still balance time with your older children by coordinating visits before or after your time with your MIL. Let your older kids know you’re trying to prioritize your MIL, and they’ll understand the importance of the situation. If necessary, spend a portion of Christmas with them after your time with your MIL to make sure you still have meaningful moments with your own family.
In short: This approach allows you to stay present for your MIL without dealing with the toxic influence of FIL. You’re setting a boundary that prioritizes peace for her while still maintaining your own integrity. You’re showing up for your MIL in a way that minimizes family drama, protects your mental health, and ensures you’re not the one forced into a corner by FIL’s behavior.
This way, you’re protecting both your own well-being and the person who matters mos —your MIL. PS: If you think you may have to extract yourself under duress, plan accordingly. If you can’t trust hubby to leave with you (or if you don’t want him to have to), then secure your own autonomy by whatever means necessary. Walking to a neutral neighbors house, uber to a nearby friend, whatever. But do not find yourself stuck in this firefight without an extraction team.
HyperDsloth − NTA, but do you really have a FIL problem? It sounds like you have a husband problem as well. He *should* protect you from that vile behaviour. Personally I’d go just for MIL. But also, I wouldn’t have put up with his behaviour this long. Open your mouth, protect yourself, not ‘the peace’.
Because honestly, is there really any sort of peace when you go home all cramped up because of all the tension? Maybe ask some hard questions like “why would you say that, knowing it would hurt me?”. People like that do not like to admit out loud that they intent to hurt and spite. I’m really sorry you’re in this s**tty situation and I do hope it gets better for you.
Huge_Adhesiveness510 − It’s just dawned on me that regarding me not telling him why I’m not working, I could just tell him that I’m bound by a confidentiality agreement not to discuss it. It is in the hands of my lawyer and he would most likely advise me to do that anyway.
No_Raise6934 − I just think that maybe you might regret maybe this being the last Christmas with your mil. Have you thought about not telling the truth about why you’re not working? You started a new business that can be done at home. You’d love to tell him about it at another time. You just want to enjoy the day with family.
You won the lottery or similar so you don’t need to for a bit. No loans or big gifts though, sorry. Obviously, you’d have to tell hubby. Tell him you’re pregnant or something else just to p**s him off. Make a game of it. Pretend you can’t hear him but can everyone else.
Could you talk to your mil and let her know you will be acting a part and she might enjoy it? Is it possible to have your mil come over a different day and have an intimate lunch or dinner without the arse she’s married too?? Just a different way at looking at it. Ultimately it’s up to you and what you feel is best. Hope it turns out to be a wonderful time no matter what you decide. 🤗
commentspanda − I agree in general with the people saying you should choose your MIL here as it sounds like she is a priority for you. I also agree you need to speak to your partner and get on board together both with timing for the day and how you plan to deal with FIL.
I suggest joining some JNMIL forums and reading about grey rocking. Before doing this, get hubby on board. My personal favourites are:
– okay x repeat a hundred times and don’t expand. – that’s interesting x repeat
– excuse me, X needs a hand with something
– “I’m here for MIL, not to discuss my current career choices”
– it’s Christmas, I don’t want to discuss that and walk away. If they persist, calmly state “I politely and kindly told you I don’t wish to discuss this. Please respect my request” and walk away again
The key is you stay calm no matter what. NO MATTER WHAT. Let him be an ass but you keep it cool. You also give NOTHING. That’s what grey rock is. It helps a lot to both discuss this beforehand and agree on when you will leave together.
We stay 2hrs and at the 2hr mark my husband makes his excuses for us to go, I don’t do it. If he didn’t he knows that I can just choose to leave and I won’t be polite so that’s not in anyone’s best interest. Communication with your other half is key for all of this. So is too remaining calm but setting firm boundaries.. NTA
Accurate-Nothing-354 − You need a discussion with your husband. He should be defending you and tell his old man to stfu. Have a limited time planned to be there. Take two cars so you can leave when you want to spend time with your other children.
After 14 years of marriage, tell the old coot he just has to get over it. Also carry a squirt gun. You may want to skip that part. Tell him you have a big surprise for him IF he behaves himself. Wait until after dinner and then leave. Bet he will be surprised. When he acts like his ornery b**lying self, just laugh and say “You’re so funny!” Concentrate your time with your poor MiL.
Grandmapatty64 − Drive separately so you can spend some time talking to mil. Then go home to be with your older kids. If you only have one car Uber or Lyft home. You deserve to have a peaceful holiday too.
Successful_Bath1200 − NTA. Stay home and enjoy your day.
Do you think the Redditor would be wrong to stay home with her children instead of facing her father-in-law and potentially causing tension? How would you handle this situation? Share your thoughts below!