WIBTA if I don’t join my husband and daughter at his parents house for Christmas?

Christmas is a time for family, but sometimes choosing where to spend the day can lead to painful decisions. I (39F) have been with my husband for 14 years and we share an 11‑year‑old daughter. In our family dynamic, my husband’s side is complicated: his father constantly puts me down, while his siblings and his mom are loving. Despite this, my MIL is terminally ill, and our in-laws’ Christmas gathering has become our only family tradition.

This year, I’m facing a dilemma. After recently being fired from my job for something I didn’t do, my self-confidence is shattered. I fear that if I join my husband and daughter at his parents’ house, his family will use my unemployment and our past conflicts to belittle me. I’d rather spend part of the day with my older children before they grow up. So, WIBTA if I choose to stay home with my own family instead of risking an argument at my in-laws’ for Christmas?

‘ WIBTA if I don’t join my husband and daughter at his parents house for Christmas?’

Dr. Laura Markham, a clinical psychologist specializing in family dynamics, explains, “When personal identity and self-worth are threatened by external criticism, particularly from in-laws or partners, it is natural for one to want to protect their emotional well-being. In situations like these, setting clear boundaries regarding where and with whom you spend your time is a healthy, albeit difficult, decision.”

She continues, “The decision to stay home instead of joining a potentially hostile family gathering does not mean you love your husband any less. Instead, it reflects a need to create a safe space for yourself and your children, especially after experiencing significant personal setbacks. It’s essential to balance family obligations with self-care, and sometimes, that means making choices that prioritize mental health.”

Similarly, relationship expert Dr. John Gottman adds, “Family gatherings can often be charged with unresolved tensions. When you’re in a position where past criticisms and current challenges—like unemployment—are likely to be used against you, it is completely reasonable to withdraw from an event that might trigger those issues.

The key is to communicate openly with your partner about your needs, so that both of you feel supported. It might be beneficial to seek counseling to find a middle ground that honors both family traditions and personal emotional safety.”

Dr. Gottman stresses, “Choosing to spend time with your older children isn’t an act of selfishness—it’s a way of preserving your self-esteem and protecting your daughter from witnessing further conflict. In the long term, taking care of your own mental health can contribute to a more stable family environment. It’s important to remember that setting boundaries in family situations is a sign of strength, not weakness.”

Both experts agree that your feelings are valid. While family is important, so is your emotional well-being. The decision to forgo a stressful family gathering, especially after a recent career setback, is a responsible one that prioritizes long-term healing over immediate conformity.

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

Several redditors expressed strong support for your decision. One user commented, “If attending that gathering means facing constant reminders of your job loss and past family issues, then you’re not the asshole for choosing a quieter, more nurturing environment for yourself and your kids. Self-care is important!”

Another group shared similar experiences, with one commenter stating, “I’ve been in situations where family gatherings left me feeling completely drained and criticized. It’s okay to step back and focus on what makes you feel safe and valued. Your mental health should always come first.”

Ultimately, your decision to not join your husband and daughter at his parents’ house for Christmas is not an overreaction—it’s a carefully considered stand for your emotional health. With a recent job loss affecting your confidence,

and a history of in-law conflicts that threaten to reopen old wounds, choosing to stay home with your older children is a valid way to protect yourself and create a peaceful environment for your family. This situation raises an important question: How do we balance family obligations with personal well-being, especially during emotionally charged times like the holidays?

What would you do if you were in a similar situation, where past criticisms and current struggles make family gatherings unbearable? Share your thoughts and experiences below—your insights might help others navigate the delicate balance between family duty and self-care.