WIBTA if I don’t give my mom an “allowance” now that I have a job?

A 23-year-old woman, recently earning a good salary, is grappling with whether to continue giving her mother a $1,000 monthly allowance. While she has been providing this support for six months, she knows her mother is financially secure and that the money is mostly being saved rather than spent on improving her life.

Their discussions about this have led to arguments, as her mother views the allowance as a way to showcase her daughter’s success. The daughter is considering stopping the payments due to financial concerns. Read the original story below…

‘ WIBTA if I don’t give my mom an “allowance” now that I have a job?’

I (F23) recently started a job a with decent pay (120K) in a HCOL area. I’m currently living with my mom. I would love to move out but my dad passed away several years ago and I have no other siblings so my mom is unable to let go of me as I’m all she has left (this is a separate issue).

My mom has been asking me for $1000 a month to “help out” which I’ve been giving for the past six months. The thing is, she has been very frugal all her life and I know she doesn’t need extra income from me. She has the house paid off and hundreds of thousands in the bank + retirement funds.

She wants money from me so she can brag to her friends that I have a good job and am supporting her. But that’s not even the main thing. She is still stuck in her frugal mindset so all the money I give her is just getting deposited into the bank or squirreled away in cash (she has tens of thousands of dollars in cash hidden around the house from before I was born and it has probably lost more than half its value since then) and not even used to improve the quality of her life.

Additionally, she is paranoid about online banking so she doesn’t want to open a HYSA or individual brokerage account. She tells me to consider the money I’m giving her as an “investment” as I’ll likely get it back in my future inheritance but from that perspective I feel like I’m just losing out on a lot of interest.

I tried to explain this to her and it turned into an argument with her telling me how s**fish I am after “all she’s done for me.” Part of me thinks I should ignore the deflation of money for the sake of her satisfaction but it just doesn’t sit right with me from a financial point of view. WIBTA if I stop giving her money (until she really needs it)?

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

Public_Ad_9169 −  You have the choice of moving out or paying your mom.

Inappropriate-Tone −  “All she’s done for you” was her responsibility as your parent. Kids don’t ask to be born; parents choose to bring you into the world and housing/clothing/feeding/educating you is the bare minimum required of her.

It’s your money and you’re allowed to say no or set boundaries on the amount you’ll give or even where you’re willing to deposit it. She doesn’t have to like it, but appeasing her irrational whims will just enable this unhealthy behavior. ETA (because I didn’t make it clear) I DO think OP should contribute to the house and not be a freeloader.

But not all contributions need to be monetary. I don’t know what her role is in caring for her mom, but that could be a massive contribution. If mom doesn’t need financial help but needs rides, repairs, errands, etc., THAT’S contributing. And I didn’t say there couldn’t be consequences to her not giving mom the money. Mom is welcome to kick OP out if she wants. Free will is amazing.

DangerDog619 −  Just move out. The best thing that you can do for your mom is to become a happy, independent, and financially secure adult. If she wants extra income she can rent a room to a college student.

Message_Bottle −  INFO: is the 1K n addition to rent you are already paying?

terpischore761 −  NTA. The best thing for you to do is to move out ASAP and put some distance between the two of you. Your mom has trained you all your life to acquiesce to her wants and needs. So stepping out on your own and living your own life is going to be hard. You will never get her “permission” to live your life as you please. You’ll need to figure out who you are and what you want without her input.

Straight-Two1164 −  I can promise you from experience this is not a sustainable arrangement. That’s especially so if you plan to date or at some point want to get married.

Mix under the same roof more than one adult, contrasting financial habits, different life stages, opposing view points on life and goals, nuanced personal lifestyle choices, it’s a recipe for disaster even with just a few of these ingredients. Preserve a good relationship with your mom long term by cutting the cord. 

flippflippflipp −  I mean you make valid points, especially about the money not a crying interest. BUT, if 1k is way cheaper than you’d be paying in rent if you moved out on your own so if anything, you’re actually saving money. If you can move out and pay less than 1K then definitely do that instead.

Flashbulbs −  She wants that money because it will be more difficult for you to move out. It’s about control.

High_Lizord −  There are two separate issues here. Your mom’s attachment issues and the money. I find it very fair for your mum to charge an amount whilst you live under her roof. What she does with it is up to her. Now granted a 100k is a imo about double as much as I’d ask so there is that.

Pay her whilst you look for a house. Make it clear that you see this payment at “rent” and you will be paying it untill you leave which I think it’s healthier for both of you to do sooner then later.

MmmmmmmBier −  Move out now, you’ll both be better off in the future.

Should she prioritize her financial wellbeing or her mother’s desire for support? What do you think? Share your thoughts below!