WIBTA If I Divorce My Husband After The Death Of Our Child?

Losing a child is a pain that never really fades, and when it collides with long‑standing marital struggles, the result can be a heart‑wrenching decision. Our OP, a 36‑year‑old woman, has been married to her husband Liam (39M) for 11 years (15 years together), and the tragedy of losing their 6‑year‑old daughter in a devastating car accident has left both of them reeling.

While Liam was in ICU and later retreated into a shell—removing all traces of their daughter from their home and isolating himself in silence—the OP has carried the weight of grief alone. Despite her efforts to coax him into therapy and mend their relationship, his refusal to face the pain has pushed her to a breaking point.

Now, as the days turn into months, the OP is questioning whether she should finally choose to divorce him. She feels torn: she still loves him, yet the emotional distance and his unchecked anger make her feel utterly alone. With no siblings and friends scattered across the globe, she wonders if her decision to leave would be selfish or justified, even though she’s supposed to be comforting him through this tragedy.

‘WIBTA If I Divorce My Husband After The Death Of Our Child?’

My husband, Liam (39M) and I (36F) have been married for 11 years, together for 15. A couple of years ago, our little bundle of joy, our six-year old daughter was snatched away from us in a car accident, in which Liam was driving. I was back home when I had received a call from the hospital. Liam was in ICU for a month, while I received the terrible news of the death of our daughter who died on spot. He went in shock when he heard the news.

Ever since then, Liam has completely withdrawn from me. He took off all the pictures which contained our daughter, turned her room into his study, and pretended as if our daughter never existed. I knew he was grieving, many times I had heard him silently weeping in our daughter’s room. I tried to get him into therapy, or for us to go to counselling,

but he had shut down my offer every single time, and goes in rage whenever I mention it, he yells, he breaks things, and storms off, and doesn’t come back home for a couple of days, leaving me worried sick. He barely comes home nowadays, completely avoids me, and rejects my every attempt for comfort.

Once, when I had tried to make him understand that this wasn’t what our daughter would have wanted, he completely lost it, smashed a flower pot against the wall, and told me to go f**k myself or better, die and never come back. Liam was never like this, he was a very sweet, calm and patient man, and loved our daughter to death, so much so, that her first word was ‘Dada’.

I still love him, but I miss our daughter too, I need some comfort too, neither of us have any siblings, and our close friends are in different countries. Liam is NC with his mother while his father had died shortly after the birth of our daughter. My parents tried to comfort me as much as they could, they told me to be patient with him, to help him get back on his feet, but I am tired, I tried everything.

Earlier, we used to share the household chores, but now I have completely taken them on myself so that he can grieve in peace, I cook his favorite meals, which he throws away without even taking a single bite. The last straw was a couple of months ago, when I had told him if he doesn’t get into therapy, I’d file for a divorce.

He coldly smiled at me, and thanked me for showing him my true colors, he told me to go ahead with the divorce since I seem so eager to ditch him.
I feel guilty, horrible and completely useless, but I just can’t go on like this any longer. Should I give him more time? Would things get better? WIBTA if I leave him now, when I am supposed to be comforting him?

Expert Opinion:

Navigating the turbulent waters of grief after losing a child is a challenge that can strain even the strongest of relationships. Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist renowned for her work on trauma and relationship dynamics, explains, “When a couple faces the unimaginable loss of a child, the process of healing can be vastly different for each partner.

One person may retreat and suppress their emotions, while the other may seek open communication and mutual support.” ([​kidshealth.org]) In the case of our OP, her husband’s withdrawal—characterized by removing cherished family photographs, repurposing their daughter’s room, and refusing to engage in therapy—has left her feeling isolated and unsupported in her own grief.

Dr. Durvasula further notes, “A lack of shared healing can lead to deep-seated resentment over time, even if both partners initially had the best of intentions.” For the OP, her repeated attempts to encourage therapy and emotional openness have been met with anger and silence. Meanwhile, the husband’s inability to process the tragedy collectively only exacerbates the emotional divide.

Family therapist Dr. Susan Johnson adds, “When one partner consistently rejects offers of professional help or dismisses the shared loss, it becomes difficult to rebuild trust and intimacy. This isn’t about being unloving; it’s about managing overwhelming pain in a way that can’t be sustained long-term.”

Her insights suggest that the OP’s contemplation of divorce is not a knee‑jerk reaction but rather a gradual realization that her emotional needs are being neglected. Although the thought of leaving a partner you once deeply loved is heartbreaking, maintaining a relationship where unresolved grief festers can prevent both individuals from truly healing.

The OP’s struggle is compounded by the absence of immediate familial support and the growing sense of isolation. Ultimately, if one partner’s refusal to engage in healing continues to undermine the relationship, it may indeed be necessary to consider separation—not out of selfishness, but as a means of preserving one’s own mental and emotional health.

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

Many redditors sympathize with the OP, noting that after such a profound loss, feeling alone in your grief is a valid reason to reconsider your relationship. One commenter stated, “If your partner withdraws completely and refuses to work through the pain together, it’s understandable to feel like you’re carrying the burden alone.”

Available-Studio-164 −  OP, there comes a time to take care of yourself. Grief is a monster that turns many cold, you seem like you’re ready to try to move on and gain some sense of peace. You cannot do so in this environment it sounds like. Save yourself this time, Liam will be okay. You deserve to live. I am so sorry for your loss and wish you peace.

[Reddit User] −  when I am supposed to be comforting him? You’re supposed to be comforting each other. This is all very one-sided and unfair to you. He is not the only one who lost someone one and he seems to think that his grief is all that matters.

NTA. You need to take care of yourself too. Yes, grief takes time, but there comes a point where it becomes complicated grief and it sounds like that’s what happening. He needs to get help, but it’s not your job to do that for him. I’m so sorry for all that you’ve gone through. You deserve comfort as well. Focus on yourself and do what you need to do, for you.

facinationstreet −  NTA. He doesn’t get to weaponize his grief, guilt and anger against you for years and then turn that around as YOU abandoning HIM. Sounds like he abandoned you the day of the accident.

brightstorm98 −  Firstly, I’m so sorry for your loss OP. Secondly, NTA at all. You can’t help him in this state when he won’t help himself, and he’s going to take you down with him if you don’t leave. You’ve tried and tried again. As others have said, maybe this will be the wake up call he needs. Maybe not. But you don’t deserve to drown in this sorrow with him.

Thirdly, and this is just me playing therapist here with the information provided – is it possible he resents you trying to help him through his grief and still loving him even thought he “caused” your daughter’s death? Like he expects you to hate him but you don’t and that’s the root of some of his anger alongside the obvious guilt he probably feels?

Hyacinth_Bouque −  “thanked me for showing him my true colors” Sure that’s what it is! This man you are living with is not the one you married. His grief and survivor’s guilt have completely taken over and made him into a new person that seems to be happy being cruel to you. Sadly, you have had to shelve your grief and pander to him and his tantrums.

There’s no shame in deciding enough is enough. You have tried your best, now it is time to move on and build some semblance of a life for yourself. You are only 36! NTA

[Reddit User] −  NTA- you need to take care of yourself number one. He may wake up after hitting rock bottom, he may not. You can’t help anyone without your own life mask on though. I am so sorry you have gone through this, but I hope you are going to counseling yourself.

From other’s stories this doesn’t seem like a terribly uncommon occurrence. If I were you I would go stay with family for a while, like a couple months. Be around support, which should give you clarity. For now, consider him like an addict who won’t help himself.

GI581d −  He’s denying help, you tried, it’s not your fault

Ok_Distribution_2603 −  I’m sorry for your loss. My wife and I lost a child, our daughter, at 18, to cancer. We still both struggle with it. It’s been 919 days, and we still have some terrible, sad, angry, frustrating days. The thing is, we’re doing it together. We’re not on exactly the same page, but we’re communicating and doing our best to remember we got married with the possibility of the best and worst things happening in our lives together.

It doesn’t seem like those things matter to your husband, that’s not your fault and it’s not your responsibility. If he’s not going to get help, then there’s nothing you can do to help him. As another person suggested, I really would look into whether he has an undiagnosed brain injury from the accident, you don’t have to hit your head on something to have a significant brain injury,

And these injuries often go undiagnosed at the time of accidents because there’s so much else wrong. That much time in the ICU also can’t be good for mental health. You have to decide where to draw the line though, and if he’s not willing to seek medical help on any level, it’s not your responsibility to be there forever for the sake of a marriage partnership that no longer exists. NTA, do what’s necessary for your life.

HansLandasPipe −  Once you went through all that, supported him and gave him all the chances to grieve, your ultimatum was perfectly reasonable.
Your “true colours” are not to be a hostage to permanent grief and abuse – this is also reasonable. I don’t think it’s Reddit’s place, but I think the majority would agree… if he’s not willing to help himself and he won’t let you help him, he shouldn’t destroy you in the process.. NTA

420-believe-it −  NTA he’s being awful to you

In the end, the decision to divorce a partner after the death of a child is one of the most excruciating choices a person can face. While our OP still loves her husband, his ongoing withdrawal and refusal to confront their shared loss have left her emotionally isolated and overwhelmed. Is it fair to choose to leave when you’re supposed to comfort each other, or is self‑preservation sometimes the only path to healing?

What would you do if your partner’s inability to grieve alongside you made you feel utterly alone? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below—what would you do if you found yourself in a similar situation?