WIBTA if I called out my cousin to the whole family about the name she’s chosen for her baby?
Family traditions can be sacred, especially when they involve the memory of lost loved ones. In this story, a 32‑year‑old woman from a close-knit Italian family recounts why she’s considering calling out her cousin for choosing to name her baby after their deceased mother—a name that holds deep emotional significance for her and her siblings.
Having lost both parents at a young age and grown up with an unspoken rule to avoid mentioning their names out of fear of reigniting painful memories, she sees the use of their mother’s name as a personal betrayal. Despite her sister Stacy’s gentle reminders that it would hurt everyone, her cousin Beth decided to move forward with the name, sparking a conflict that now leaves her wondering if she’s being unreasonable by planning to address the issue publicly.
‘ WIBTA if I called out my cousin to the whole family about the name she’s chosen for her baby?’
Dr. Laura Markham, a clinical psychologist specializing in family relationships, explains, “Family names often carry deep emotional resonance, particularly when they are tied to memories of lost loved ones. When one family member chooses to use such a name without considering the collective grief or shared values, it can feel like a profound betrayal.”
She continues, “In situations like this, it’s important for the affected family members to communicate their feelings openly. A public confrontation might seem harsh, but if private conversations have failed to resolve the underlying hurt, airing your feelings in a controlled setting can sometimes be a necessary step toward healing.”
Relationship expert Dr. John Gottman adds, “Family conflicts over inheritance—whether of property, memories, or even names—are rarely black and white. It is crucial to find a balance between individual choice and collective sentiment. While it is valid to set boundaries regarding what is acceptable to discuss at family gatherings, it’s also important to consider whether a public call-out might further fracture relationships that have already endured significant loss and hardship.”
Both experts agree that the issue is complex: the emotional significance of a name can vary greatly among family members, and while the narrator’s feelings are valid, the manner in which she chooses to address them must be weighed carefully to avoid long-term alienation.
Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:
Several redditors expressed support for her decision. One user commented, “If your cousin’s decision to use your mom’s name disregards the emotional impact on you and your siblings, you have every right to speak up. It’s not just about the name—it’s about honoring the memory of someone who meant everything to your family.”
Another group shared personal experiences, with one commenter stating, “I understand how painful it can be when a family member seems to trivialize a cherished memory. Your feelings are completely justified, and calling her out might be the wake-up call needed to set healthy boundaries.”
Ultimately, your desire to call out your cousin about using your deceased mother’s name stems from deep emotional wounds and a need to honor your family’s shared loss. While a public confrontation might help assert your boundaries, it also risks further dividing an already fractured family. This situation raises an important question: How do we balance individual choices with collective family sentiment, especially when it comes to something as personal as a name?
What would you do if you found yourself in a similar situation, where a family member’s decision feels like a betrayal of shared memories? Share your thoughts and experiences below—your insights might help others navigate the delicate balance between personal grief and family unity.
My first cousin and I have the same first name. We are six months apart. Her Mom and my Dad were twins. We both think it is awesome we have the same name!
Being from an Italian background, a lot of names are doubled up. My son’s in laws, have Anthony for a lot of the boys, but use nicknames to identify each one. My daughter in law has the female version of it, Antoninetta & my g’daughter is Antonia so maybe some comprise can be sourced to end the conflict. Colletta would be nice as well.
Is there any variation of the name, similar enough for the parents to agree on that doesn’t cause pain to the OP & their siblings that could be used? Nicolletta instead of Collette or some similar transliteration from Italian to English or French? Parents could nickname her to their preference – but call her the (they can hope) less hurtful version formally at family gatherings. Or they can use the OP’s mother’s name as a middle name and call her by another name, given as her first name? Most kids don’t have just ONE name, it’s common to have a first name, middle name, and surname/family name in many cultures.
I went by my own legal first name (Elizabeth) – mostly due to my mother being Betty (turns out my mother-in-law was also Betty). But after a while, that turned out to be too long for writing on all school papers & went to first a nickname (Lisa) which turned out to have been so popular in my generation that it wasn’t unusual for there to be four to six or more other girls answering to the same name. I moved to my middle name when we moved to another town & school district (there were several other girls named Lisa in my class…and an Elizabeth or three…I’d have to check my high school annual to see how many). I was the ONLY one using my middle name, though.