WIBTA if I bought a car my wife couldn’t drive?
When it comes to car preferences, personal passions can sometimes clash with practical family needs. In this story, a 39-year-old man faces a dilemma: he’s determined to buy a manual transmission car—his one non-negotiable desire—despite his wife’s objections. Having grown up loving manual driving, he misses the thrill and control it offers, especially since all his previous cars were inherited.
This will be the first car he’s purchasing for himself, and he’s ready to invest in a sporty, fun ride that suits his daily commuter needs. Meanwhile, his wife, seven months pregnant, recently bought herself a new mid-size SUV with her own money. To her, a vehicle is simply a means of reliable transportation for family duties—not an object of passion.
She worries that a small, manual car might not meet their family’s practical needs, especially for emergencies, and she’s anxious about not being able to drive it. Despite attempts to teach her manual and discussing alternatives—like using her SUV for family outings—her repeated objections have led to heated arguments. Now, as the car-buying process advances, he wonders: Am I the asshole for planning to purchase the car I want, even if it means ignoring my wife’s concerns?
‘ WIBTA if I bought a car my wife couldn’t drive?’
Dr. Laura Markham, a clinical psychologist specializing in family dynamics, explains, “In any relationship, balancing personal passions with family obligations is essential. When one partner has a deeply rooted personal interest—like a love for manual transmissions—it’s important to honor that individuality. However, it must be balanced with practical considerations, especially when children and emergencies are involved.”
She continues, “Clear communication and compromise are key. If one partner feels that their input isn’t valued, it can lead to resentment. In this case, the ideal solution would be for both partners to discuss their needs and come to an agreement that respects personal preferences while ensuring family safety.”
Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, adds, “Couples often navigate disagreements about lifestyle choices, and financial independence in such decisions is healthy. However, it’s crucial that both parties feel heard.
The fact that the wife is anxious about her ability to drive a manual in emergencies suggests that her concerns are rooted in genuine care for the family’s well-being. A compromise—such as scheduling a driver training session for her—could mitigate those fears and foster mutual satisfaction.”
Both experts agree that while the husband’s passion for manual cars is legitimate, addressing his wife’s concerns through empathetic dialogue and perhaps a formal learning session might help bridge the gap. If a mutually satisfying solution cannot be reached, then proceeding with the purchase might be justified, provided that both partners have fully communicated their expectations and compromises have been attempted.
Here’s what Redditors had to say:
Several redditors expressed support for his decision. One user commented, “If you’ve done your research and you truly love driving manuals, then you shouldn’t have to give up your passion just to appease someone else’s fear. Your wife might eventually come around once she sees how your car fits your lifestyle.”
Another group shared personal experiences, with one commenter stating, “I’ve been in situations where my partner’s preferences clashed with mine. Sometimes, you have to stick to what makes you happy and then work on compromises later. It’s not selfish to pursue your passion!”
Ultimately, your desire to buy the manual car you’ve always dreamed of isn’t unreasonable—it’s a reflection of your personal identity and passion for driving. However, it’s equally important to address your wife’s concerns about safety and practicality, especially with a baby on the way. This situation raises an important question: How do we balance individual passions with shared family responsibilities, and can compromise truly satisfy both partners?
What would you do if you found yourself torn between pursuing a personal dream and ensuring that all family needs are met? Have you ever navigated a similar dilemma in your relationship? Share your thoughts and experiences below—your insights might help others find the perfect balance between personal fulfillment and family harmony.
Well, we clearly seem to be in the minority but both my husband and I agree that you are NTA. In fact, we think your wife if being a bit of TA by refusing to look at the research you have done to assure her that the car you want to purchase will satisfy the needs of the family. Additionally, we can’t understand the resistance to her learning to drive a manual car. It isn’t rocket science, and we happen to think it is a useful skill that all drivers would benefit from. It also seems as if she is using her pregnancy as an excuse to get what she wants. I had two children Was I busy? Sure, but they certainly didn’t take up every minute of everyday as some responders seem to imply. And, you are a two parent household. There were plenty of days, especially when they were very young, where I happily grabbed the keys and set out for a needed break while my husband watched our kids. If she learned how to drive a stick, there would be time to practice on her own. If she is REALLY worried about being able to drive another vehicle in an emergency (how often does that realistically happen with a two car household, anyway?) then being able to drive any car is a good thing! I remember an occasion where my car was in the shop and one of the kids had to be picked up from school due to illness. I had to borrow my neighbor’s car, and it was manual. Thankfully, I know how to drive stick shift. I think she is being selfish, and he ought to be able to buy the car he wants. Your individual dreams don’t end just because you have children. It is the first car you are purchasing on your own, you have done your homework, you have offered to teach her how to drive it, I say go for it! You have been reasonable, she has not.
I can understand the wife’s position, and also can understand the hubby’s as well. I know that my past little car would hold 2 car seats ( backward facing) and it was not a 4 door. It was also a standard as I refuse, if possible, to drive and Automatic.
Maybe it’s time to go back to the old way of licensing for a drivers testing. Yes, I’m that old…”if you take the road test on an Auto, then you can only drive that transmission. If you took it on a standard: then you could drive both trans.”
Although I do admit that with children and especially a new born: shifting gears and also paying some attention to the kids; can be very distracting. Plus, everything else that is happening around you on the road at the same time.
I find this some what saddening: that they can not meet a compromise with the newer transmissions that have the paddle shift ( not the same as regular shifter) and Auto combined. A sort of win for both of the people.