WIBTA if I announced my pregnancy at my Christmas/birthday party even though my sensitive ex would be there?

A woman, excited about her second pregnancy, is considering announcing it at her annual Christmas and birthday gathering, which she hosts every year. The twist? Her ex, who still harbors bitterness over their breakup and the engagement to her current fiancé, will likely attend.

The ex had previously accused them of cheating, causing significant fallout in their social circle. Although the user feels it’s the perfect time to share her joy with friends, she’s aware that it might upset her ex, who still acts awkwardly around them.

While her fiancé believes they should cut ties with him and those defending him, she’s trying to maintain peace within their friend group. Since her pregnancy will be a surprise, she’s wondering if announcing it at this event, which is technically also her birthday celebration, would be inappropriate given the ex’s presence. read the original story below…

‘ WIBTA if I announced my pregnancy at my Christmas/birthday party even though my sensitive ex would be there? ‘

I (F30) and my fiancé (M31) recently found out that we’re expecting! We’re super excited, but as private people, no one outside of our immediate families will know this is actually my second pregnancy—my first ended in miscarriage.

Out of a mix of anxiety and caution, we’ve decided to wait until after my anatomy scan (which is the week before Christmas) to announce it publicly. Every year, I host a big gathering for Christmas and my birthday, since they’re a day apart. Friends fly in, and it’s the one time my divorced parents can stand being in the same room together.

Since my scan is right before the party, and I should be starting to show, I’m thinking about using the “birthday” part of the evening to announce the pregnancy. Here’s where the maybe a**hole comes in—my ex (M32) will likely be there. We’re still “friends” because he’s close with a lot of my social circle, and we try to be civil.

My fiancé and ex were friends for over a decade before things went south.. The TLDR of that was:

– My ex and I dated on and off for a year. It wasn’t great—he was controlling and obsessed with the idea that I’d “cuck” him if I did anything without him.
-Several months after our final breakup, my fiancé and I started dating.

– My ex demanded my fiancé choose between their friendship and me. My fiancé chose me.
-My ex then spread rumors that we cheated. We lost a lot of friends, and the ones who stayed neutral are why he’s still at gatherings—if they’re invited, excluding him feels awkward.

Even though my fiancé and I have been together for over a year now, my ex seems to have some lingering feelings or bitterness. He refuses to acknowledge our engagement and the energy is always off when I see him. Some friends think he’s still “grieving,” but my fiancé thinks we should cut him and those who defend him off.

As for me, I’m just trying to maintain peace with the friends who stuck around after the pandemic. None of our friends know we even want kids. I was the oldest sibling of many and used to joke that I’d “done my time” raising kids. I had an IUD and was actually scheduled for a tubal ligation, but I got pregnant against all odds.

That first pregnancy and the subsequent miscarriage changed my heart about having kids. Since our friends don’t know about that, this announcement will come as a surprise—especially to my ex. And yes, it’s half a Christmas party (so i can give my friends and family their gifts), but everyone’s really there for my birthday.

So… WIBTA if I announced my pregnancy after the Christmas part of the evening, during my birthday portion?

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

carmabound −  NTA – Your ex should not be there.

trolleydip −  Your fiance is 100% correct. You should cut him. Your fiance has a lot of patience to put up with you trying to keep the peace. You can maintain peace by not demanding your friends cut him off, but create distance. This is someone that doesn’t respect your relationship. He can grieve elsewhere.

You and your fiance are announcing, not just you. Ask him who he wants to be there… **YTA** for putting your fiance to keep being around a guy who accused him of cheating on you.

hopefullyhelpfulyaps −  NTA. You have to stop letting him dictate your life though. Your ex does NOT sound like a pleasant person, and I’m honestly surprised you’re nice enough to keep him around even after he blatantly lied about you.

And about your friends, I would rethink your relationship with them too–how were they neutral about your ex making *you* look and feel like s**t? Why are they defending his s**tty attitude? You even noted that he brings down the mood–I bet he doesn’t even want to attend the event other than to purposefully make you feel uncomfortable and guilt you.

‘m on team fiancé here, please do it for yourself and drop the ex and those that may be on his side. He’s making you suffer even after all this time, and making you walk around eggshells. Stop catering to him, and enjoy Christmas without a party-pooper this year. Congrats on your pregnancy OP 🙂

Lullayable −  YTA that you keep inviting him to humour your friends.. It’s ridiculous. Your fiancé chose you over his friendship, you’re not doing the same for him.

OscillatingFox −  Don’t invite your ex. If asked why not, say that you and your fiance are fed up of him being so weird about a relationship that’s been over longer than it lasted, and you’re both sick of his sulks.

If someone does bring him, and you don’t feel able to say “Why are you here, I didn’t invite you”, at least tell them that you didn’t invite him for a reason and if he starts being weird, you’d like them to take responsibility.

Announce your pregnancy. If his reaction is anything other than congratulations, say loud and clear that this is exactly the kind of behaviour you’re sick of, and ask him to leave. If anyone tries to tell you that you’re in the wrong, ask them “Are you saying I’m wrong to announce MY pregnancy in MY house because of a guest I DIDN’T EVEN INVITE?

Will you want me to hide the baby in the attic because of his feelings?” And then stop pandering to people who think Can’t Get Over It Carl gets to have a say in your life ever again.

No-Concentrate-7560 −  You are about to be a parent so it’s time to stop acting like you are still in High School. Don’t invite this guy and let your “friends” know they need to drop the crap or they don’t need to come either. Personally it sounds like your “friends” are not true ones if they can’t see how weird it is.

WantToBelieveInMagic −  INFO. My ex then spread rumors that we cheated. We lost a lot of friends. Why in the world is your ex still welcome in your home and life?

frozenbroccolis −  YTA for letting others dictate your friend list. If they can’t understand why you don’t want your controlling ex-boyfriend there then they’re not friends.
Make your announcement at your party. It’s ridiculous that you’re considering not doing it because of an ex who you don’t even want there.

Watertribe_Girl −  Yta for inviting your ex. NTA for announcing in front of him

JezabelSchmezabel −  You all sound a bit childish.