WIBTA if I (41F) refuse to quit because of my husband’s (49M) job

A Reddit user (41F) is faced with a dilemma after her husband (49M) receives a promotion at the university where they both work. The promotion would require her to quit her long-held job in the department he would oversee, as university rules prevent them from working in the same chain of command.

Despite her husband offering financial stability and suggesting she find a new job elsewhere, she doesn’t want to give up the career she’s built. Read the full story below to see how this career-versus-promotion debate unfolded.

‘ WIBTA if I (41F) refuse to quit because of my husband’s (49M) job’

 

I am 41F, my husband is 49M, we have been married for 15 years. We both work at the same place, which is a large university. He applied for a promotion, and received it. The problem is that if he takes this job, he would be responsible for overseeing the department where I work.

He wouldn’t be my direct supervisor, but a couple levels up. I wouldn’t be working with him directly. When he applied, he told me that this wouldn’t be a problem. Apparently, he was told that I could keep my job, but just report to someone else so I’m not in his direct chain of command.

But after he got the job, we were told that this isn’t possible and he can’t take the job until I quit. Apparently it is a rule in the employee handbook (government university so there are a lot of rules) that hasn’t really been enforced that well until recently. For context, I currently make about 45k a year.

In his current position, he makes 125k, and the new position would be about 145k. He says that I don’t even have to work anymore because we don’t need that much money (we are in LCOL area, house paid off, and no kids). But to me, it’s not about the money.

I attended this university and worked in this department part time when I was a student, and then started full time as soon as I graduated. I have been working with some of my coworkers longer than I’ve known my husband. I don’t want to give it all up just so he can get a promotion, as I would probably be bored sitting at home.

He did mention that I can easily get another similar job in a different department on campus (our university is expanding and these types of jobs are a dime a dozen), but again, I don’t want to make such a big change and there’s no guarantee I would get along with my new coworkers and enjoy my work like I currently do.
WIBTA if I refuse to submit my resignation?

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

WatchingTellyNow −  Who told him initially that the situation wouldn’t be a problem? I don’t think that him turning down the promotion should affect future promotions because he was given incorrect information, and if he’d had the correct information he might not have even applied (or at very least the conversation with you could have happened earlier).

The fault for this situation lies either with the person who gave him the wrong info (if it was someone who was in the position to make that call) or for your husband for not getting the reporting chain thing properly confirmed and making his application conditional on that being the case. But you’re NTA for wanting to keep your job – it’s not about the money, the job is more than just money to you.

eowynsheiress −  Seek more information from the university. See what they can do to help you BOTH out. You guys sound like ideal employees and they should want to retain you both. How they respond may make you feel better about a lateral transfer or leaving them entirely! Best wishes and good luck. Approach this as a team!

Strict_Soup_2679 −  Info: if he doesn’t take the promotion, can your husband just keep the same job he has now?

poeadam −  NAH. I think there are reasonable arguments to be made on both sides. One of you is going to have to compromise. Personally I’d err slightly on his side given you said you can easily get a similar job in a different department. But others might disagree.

Purlz1st −  I worked at a university and saw several couples who both worked there. They all understood that in that situation there will be times when one will follow the other. The key is to make an appropriate job for the following spouse part of the deal. Universities know this and they know how to sweeten a deal with perks for the spouse.

Saying this because it’s possible for them to work with you to find a department where you are comfortable as long as you give them a chance and they want your spouse badly enough.

snarkisms −  Union rep for a post-secondary institution here: go to your union. Your husband was promised something and you deserve better than what they are throwing at you – at the bare minimum your union should be able to help you get a transfer to a different department

Little_Attempted −  NTA. It sounds like you’ve built a career and community at this university, and it’s completely understandable that you don’t want to give that up. It’s not just a job to you—it’s a part of your life that you enjoy and have been dedicated to for years.

Asking you to quit for his promotion, especially after he originally said it wouldn’t be an issue, puts you in a really tough spot. It’s great that he wants to provide for you, but that doesn’t mean your happiness or sense of purpose is less important.

You shouldn’t feel like you have to sacrifice your career just because a rule wasn’t enforced properly. Hopefully, you and your husband can talk this through and find a solution where neither of you has to give up something you care about.

Sweaty-Gopher −  YTA Specifically because of this one thing you said in a comment. I don’t really care about professional goals, this job is mostly to keep busy and give me something to do. Don’t derail your partner’s career goals because you need “something to do”

Impossible_Rain_4727 −  YTA: It would be different if you were more career-oriented. However, blocking your husband’s career advancement opportunities over “something that keeps you busy and gives you something to do” makes you an a**hole. Your social circle shouldn’t trump his career opportunities.

*Edit: Not saying you should quit, however, you can easily find another role “that keeps you busy” within the same organisation.*

JellyfishApart5518 −  NTA. I think the university should have been more transparent, but it isn’t fair that you should give up your coworkers and happiness for his career, especially as it’s “only” a 20k increase in his salary.

That is a lot of money, but you’ve been in this job longer than you’ve known your husband. You are happy where you’re at, and i don’t think you should have to give it up for his sake. Why can’t he move departments instead? Is that an option?

Would the Redditor be justified in refusing to quit her job to accommodate her husband’s promotion, or is it reasonable for him to expect her to step aside for his career advancement?

How would you handle balancing personal fulfillment and spousal support in a similar situation? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below!