WIBTA for telling my sister I won’t attend her wedding because I hate her fiancé?

A Reddit user is facing a dilemma about attending her older sister Brooke’s upcoming wedding to her long-term fiancé Mark, whom she has disliked for many years. The user feels that Mark’s presence in Brooke’s life caused significant disruption to their family dynamics during their childhood, leading to her feeling neglected and strained.

While she plans to decline the wedding invitation, she’s unsure if this decision will irreparably damage her relationship with her sister. As she contemplates her feelings, she seeks to understand more about her sister’s experiences and whether her refusal would be justified. To explore this complicated family dynamic, read the original story below.

‘ WIBTA for telling my sister I won’t attend her wedding because I hate her fiancé?’

Older Sister – “Brooke”, 32 F. Fiancé – “Mark”, 32 M. Me – no nickname necessary, 25 F. Younger Sister – “Jenny”, 22 F My sister, call her Brooke, has been together with Mark since freshman year of high school. As far as I understand it, they did not want to get married initially because Brooke is vehemently child-free, and Mark agrees with her, but they have decided to hold a wedding/commitment ceremony next spring after a lot of years of back and forth.

The problem is, I’ve known Mark since I was a kid (he started coming around to the house a lot when he and Brooke were sophomores in high school, so I was eight or so when I first met him as Brooke’s boyfriend, and I have basically hated him the whole time. I’ve tried to be polite, particularly now that we are all adults, but I just don’t want to go to the wedding of my sister and the guy she’s always put before her family.

As an example, when Brooke and Mark started dating, Brooke went from eating dinner at home with the rest of us every night to going out two or three times a week with Mark and his friends. This was against our parent’s rules, and caused a lot of arguments that negatively impacted both me and our younger sister Jenny (who was barely in kindergarten at the time and didn’t understand what was going on).

Brooke and our parents started fighting basically every night, and it was incredibly disruptive to our home life. My sister went from being my best friend to a stranger, and Mark was the one encouraging it. The stress of those years was so bad that I had to repeat fourth grade (failed math), and I was bullied really badly for that.

I stopped going to school looking nice because there was so much tension in the home that no one was paying attention to whether or not I had clean clothes. Jenny also struggled academically and socially but I was able to step in and help her more with things like getting dressed and packing her lunch, so she doesn’t remember those years as negatively as I do.

Of course, as soon as Brooke and Mark graduated he convinced her to move across the country to go to college. Our parents were really hurt by this and there were a few years where she didn’t come home over Christmas or summers. Eventually things cooled down when I was in high school and Brooke started making more contact with our family, but Mark would do things like glare at our parents over the dinner table and suddenly declare that it was time for them to go.

I don’t think I should have to go to the wedding of my sister and this guy that stole her from us, and I am planning on RSVP-ing “no” when the time comes. Our family has been minimally involved in wedding planning, and I am not in the bridal party or anything like that (they are all friends of Brooke and Mark’s from the hospital where they work).. WIBTA?

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

Puzzleheaded-SR −  I think you’re being childish and petty over stupid s**t. I think it’s insane that one of your examples is she wasn’t eating at home as often. Frankly you are blaming your sister for s**t you aren’t e**itled to. You failed math. No one else made you do that. Your parents sound just as immature.

Why aren’t you blaming them for creating a t**ic home life? Why aren’t you mad at them you had to take care of your younger sister? She’s their child! The way you talk it’s like you feel ownership over her instead of being an individual. It’s weird. It’s like grow up and get over it. Jesus. YTA.

thirdtryisthecharm −  INFO None of the problems you described were Mark’s fault. Brooke started having the usually teen feelings of wanting to be more independent and getting invested in her relationships and that conflicted with your parents’ rules. That’s not on Mark.

You have not described any single action or statement that makes it clear whether Mark is controlling or just objects to your parents trying to control their now adult daughter. So why is your issue specifically with Mark? Or is he just the easy s**pegoat for your family not being as comfortably and conflicted-free as when you were a child?

The stress of those years was so bad that I had to repeat fourth grade (failed math), and I was bullied really badly for that. I stopped going to school looking nice because there was so much tension in the home that no one was paying attention to whether or not I had clean clothes.

Jenny also struggled academically and socially but I was able to step in and help her more with things like getting dressed and packing her lunch, so she doesn’t remember those years as negatively as I do. These are all things that are your parents’ fault, not Mark’s fault. Your parents were neglectful. Mark may simply have been invested in getting Brook away from a bad family situation.

[Reddit User] −  YWBTA. Your family is weird AF. You haven’t listed one thing that Brooke and Mark did that’s not normal. So, you freaked out and failed math because your sister went out to eat? Your parents are the real AHs. They created a t**ic environment in the home

21stCenturyJanes −  Go to the wedding or don’t, but stop blaming Mark for your sister’s behavior. You seem to have a lot of family problems that have made you bitter but they aren’t all Mark’s fault, your sister and parents were in this dynamic, too. YWBTA

Rhypskallion −  INFO: Why are you blaming your sister for your parents’ behavior? Did they train you to blame her? Did they vent their frustrations upon you? Did they constantly talk about how bad she was and that bad things were happening because it was her fault? If so, that is abuse and you’ve been a victim of g**lighting at home.

VanillaSenior −  Soooo…. Your parents have basically neglected you and your little sister because they were fighting with their eldest and you blame her boyfriend? Wow. He didn’t “steal” your sister from her family. He didn’t force her to fight with your parents – they created an unhealthy environment and made her choose. YTA. But sorry for you s**tty childhood, you deserved better.

kfrostborne −  Wait, so your high school aged sister got a boyfriend, with whom she socialized, and it fucked your parents up so much that they *stopped caring for the rest of their children*? That’s abuse. Your parents abused you, according to your post. And you’re angry at your sister for escaping that situation?

I think you need to take a big step back from all of this until you can look at the situation objectively. It honestly sounds like you’re angry at your sister for acting her age, and because your parents abused you, you blame her for problems that she’s obviously not responsible for causing.

It sounds like you’ve experienced a lot of pain from all of this. I’m sorry for that. I think you should talk to someone about this. Someone who can help you break down and reorganize your thoughts. YWBTA if you hurt your sister out of spite because of your messed up childhood.

many_hobbies_gal −  YTA not for simply not attending but for you using Mark as the s**pegoat to all your life issues. You were under 10 when they got together. Time to let the tantrum go and grow up. We all need be accountable for our words and actions. Sounds like your sister was the typical teen.

AHarmlessFly −  INFO – Brooke was 16 when you were a small child. Your parents seemed to have been the ones that punished you for whatever she was doing at that time. It is weird at that younger age to have all of those feelings, and go thru all of those thoughts without your parents putting all of that stuff in your head. Have you talked to Brooke about it. It seems there is probably a lot here that you didn’t quite understand at the time, that built into anger for them. I feel like there is so much more to this story.

jennnjennjen −  You don’t have to go if you don’t want to, but YTA for blaming all your family’s problems on Mark. It sounds like there was fighting because Brooke wanted some freedom and space, and I can see why if you guys are still trying to guilt her for leaving for college and blaming any problem you have on her relationship.

Your parents’ n**lect is their own fault, not Mark’s. Mark didn’t “steal” her from you guys, she doesn’t belong to you. Brooke wanted to get some distance from her family and it sounds like it’s probably the healthiest thing for her tbh.

Do you think the user would be in the wrong for choosing not to attend her sister’s wedding due to her feelings about the fiancé, or is it understandable given their tumultuous history? How would you handle a situation where personal feelings conflict with family obligations? Share your thoughts below!