WIBTA for not playing along with my (23M) girlfriend’s (23F) parents’ (idk their ages) f**e politeness?
A 23-year-old feels frus
trated with his girlfriend’s parents’ “fake politeness” rooted in Korean cultural norms, like repeatedly declining offers before accepting them. During his first meeting with them, he forgot to decline their offer to stay the night because he was a bit drunk, which upset them despite their invitation.
Now, he tells his girlfriend he won’t play along with these customs in the future, but she calls him rude, leading him to ask if he’s in the wrong. read the original story below…
‘ WIBTA for not playing along with my (23M) girlfriend’s (23F) parents’ (idk their ages) f**e politeness?’
My girlfriend’s Korean, so I’ve learned a lot about Korean culture. The most annoying thing I’ve learned is that there’s a lot of posturing to seem polite. Stuff like arguing over who “gets” to cover the bill, etc. My girlfriend warned me about this yesterday when I was preparing to go meet them for the first time.
I should decline at least 5 times just to be safe before letting them pay the bill for the restaurant we were eating at, have to say “oh don’t worry about me, please go inside” (the best translation she could think of) if they exit their house to say goodbye when I’m leaving, have to press them to accept the gift I was bringing…
I took notes on what she was saying because this s**t sounds dumb as f**k but I was gonna try. So I studied that s**t like it was the GRE and then went. Other than feeling uncomfortable having to come up with 5 slightly different ways to say no 5 times to letting them pay the bill, dinner was great and I got invited to go back home with them to drink.
So two hours later, I was pretty drunk (edit: I graduated college last year. When I say pretty drunk, I mean my face is visibly red. That’s it. We were talking the whole two hours and having a great time so I wasn’t getting absolutely shitfaced.) and definitely in no condition to drive.
They kindly offered to let me stay over in the guest room for the night. If I was sober, I would’ve remembered that I had to say no at least 4 times. But I was not. So I graciously accepted and thanked them, telling them they were a lifesaver.
My girlfriend shot me a look, but then it was too late to take it back (and doing that seems kind of rude to me, but what do I know?) That was yesterday. Today I went to work and everything was normal except during lunch my girlfriend told me that her parents liked me but weren’t a fan that I stayed over.
Why’d they offer then for f**k’s sake???. which is also what I asked her. She got defensive and said that’s just the way it is, and I’d have to deal with it if we were going to be serious (we’re serious).
I told her that it was f**king exhausting and if I had future contact with her parents, I wouldn’t be playing along with it again, and I’d just turn down any offered favors from her parents if it was that much of an issue.. She said I was being rude. AITA?
Here’s what Redditors had to say:
No_Confidence5235 − If you wanted to make a good impression on them, I don’t understand why you got drunk. ETA: I didn’t know about the Korean custom of drinking with each other.
jkklfdasfhj − Very bold of you to drink that much the first time you met the parents 😅. INFO Do you like her enough to make it work with her family or not?
Devillitta − YTA, not for staying the night, they wouldn’t have offered if they didn’t want you there but because you called it posturing when it’s just part of Asian culture to want to pay the bill and be hospitable. You shouldn’t f**e it just to be polite.
sherlocked27 − YTA. You don’t care enough or respect your girlfriend to respect her cultural traditions as silly as they seem to you. She told you it matters to her and you literally called it s**t. Either step up and respect them or else break up.
Yoongi_SB_Shop − NTA but if you want to be with her, you’re going to have to learn how to deal with cultural differences. I’m Asian and I hate all the f**e politeness too but I can’t single-handedly change an entire culture and neither can you.
Do a cost-benefit analysis and decide if you love your girlfriend enough to play this game with her parents because it’s obviously important to her. And if you’re going to be with her, you need to respect her culture. If you can’t respect her culture, then break up and let her find someone who will.
Apart-Ad-6518 − YTA. ” this s**t sounds dumb as f**k” For saying & thinking that. If you’re serious about her (& I saw you say you are) you’re going to have to make the effort. I saw what you said about the drinking culture but maybe avoid getting s**t faced until you’re on surer ground with things.
niniane95 − YTA for your disrespect of their culture. And your insincerity. Look, your GF’s family know you are not Korean and would have understood if you made mistakes or misinterpreted certain social/cultural cues.
What was important was your *sincerity* in trying to respect and understand them (and they you, of course). But it looks like you had a bad attitude from the start.
Why did you even get into a relationship with a person from another culture if you aren’t willing to make any adjustments? Does this mean *she* is going to have to keep adjusting to *you* because you find compromises exhausting? She should see the glaring red flags and run.
Puzzleheaded_Mix4160 − I struggle with answering this, but YTA. If this is exhausting to you after a *single event*, you may just need to break up.
This is a cultural difference that will exist with your girlfriend/her family forever, it isn’t going to go away magically.
It affects your very concept of normalcy/morality/etiquette and even subconscious behavior. It’s pretty much inextricable from your life. You’ve met your girlfriend’s parents ONCE and you’re already complaining about having to follow some social rules that are unfamiliar to you, which bodes very poorly for the future.
If you love your girlfriend, you’re going to need to shove a sock in it and make a concerted effort to bridge the gap. Once you become more familiar with one another, the formality and over-politeness will settle some…
but if If you aren’t willing to make the effort to prove that their daughter is important enough for you to learn some of the cultural behaviors/practices she grew up around, then you should spare yourself and her by breaking it off.
You mention being in a serious relationship— if you were to get married, it’d really work out poorly to make her parents think you’re some rude and unyielding guy who isn’t willing to make concessions like *attempting* to fit in with their family dynamic and culture.
This is what long term relationships require, compromise and willingness to bend for your partner about things (like family and culture) that are important to them. If you can’t do that, you just aren’t aligned.
nigrivamai − YWNBTA . You’re right tbh, it is posturing. It’s insanely rude and f**e to offer things you don’t intend to provide, to constantly push back on stuff just to accept. That whole back and forth is BS. I wouldn’t deal with that at all.
You made an effort, you accidentally messed it up because you couldn’t keep the charade up after a few drinks, and now they’re upset with you. People are acting like you got s**t faced to the point where you just started spewing out BS and lost all social etiquette, but you didn’t.
What this really shows is how hard they try to put on this act of being polite and how unreasonable it is to except anyone to play along with it. Just because they claim this as part of their culture doesn’t mean that it should be followed.
They can try this all they want, and you’re perfectly reasonable for rejecting it and being upfront. Respectfully accepting and rejecting stuff instead of jumping through their hoops. And you are being respectful clearly. Just because it doesn’t follow their cultural customs doesn’t mean you’re in the wrong.
Significant-Bad-8261 − Nta I don’t know why everyone’s calling you one
Should cultural customs be respected even if they feel unnatural, or is it okay to set personal boundaries? Share your thoughts below!