WIBTA for not giving my soon to be DIL bachelorette money for something else?

A Reddit user shares a dilemma about a wedding gift arrangement with their soon-to-be daughter-in-law. The user initially offered $1,000 for a bachelorette party, but now the bride-to-be has asked if a portion of the money could instead help cover car repairs.

Conflicted about this change in purpose, the user wonders if it’s wrong to feel hesitant about giving the funds for something other than the intended party. Read the full story below to weigh in on the situation.

‘ WIBTA for not giving my soon to be DIL bachelorette money for something else?’

My soon to be DIL and my son have their wedding set for August. They are paying for the wedding themselves and recently found out since they also bought a house 2 years ago they are pretty house poor.

We paid for my son’s bachelor party which already happened but his soon to be wife was going to skip a bachelorette because it would cost too much. I told her I would give her a thousand if she wants to do a bachelorette.

She came back to me and said she talked with the bridesmaids and because it’s a bit short notice they would only be able to go for a hike and then go for mani pedis and a nice dinner together. It would run about $400 as she wants to pay for her bridesmaids.

But she asked if the rest of the money can be used if I can help her fix her air conditioner in her car. She says her coolant fan is broken and she hasn’t changed the oil to her car for nearly 2 years and if I can put the rest of the money towards that.

I’m a bit shocked because the money was suppose to go to a bachelorette but I understand she would rather use it for car maintenance. I don’t like being asked to change what the money was originally for but my husband thinks it doesn’t make a difference and we should just give her the money in cash and let her do what she wants with it.

These are the responses from Reddit users:

MaudeBaggins −  NAH – I think you’re right to feel a little taken aback if your offer someone a gift for a specific purpose, but they then wish to change it. It can appear ungrateful. Add to this that some people find talking about money quite distasteful.

However, I think DIL has her head on straight. The bachelorette seems like a nice but sensible occasion and it was very decent of you to offer to pay for it. Using the rest of the money for practical car repairs is a good move.

It seems silly to spend extra money on a fancier restaurant or more extravagant activity if they don’t want that. It is also quite respectful to ask to spend the left over money on something else, rather than just doing it. This isn’t something to get into conflict over.

jrm1102 −  NAH – you offered her $1k, so I dont think you should be splitting hairs on what its for. Its actually kind of admirable that she wants to use more than half to fix the car. If youre uncomfortable with it not being for the bachelorette, well fine but she’s not an AH here

[Reddit User] −  NAH. To be honest, I think it’s a good sign that she would rather use the windfall to fix her car. That’s more important than the bachelorette party.

Ok-Raspberry7884 −  NAH. She didn’t accept your money and use it for something you didn’t offer it for. She was honest and said that she needed less than half but if $1k was still on offer she’d like to fix her car. You don’t have to give her more than what you offered, which is a bachelorette party but she is trying to be financially responsible.

She doesn’t sound greedy, just hoping that since you offered money you wouldn’t mind that same money going to something much more needed than a party. It’s respectful to ask rather than accept the money as a gift without strings.

Popular-Way-7152 −  YTA if you don’t praise her and celebrate her for her request. What a humbling experience that must have been for her. 

You’re generous to give her a party/experience. I do honor you for that. But here you have a DIL interested in a wholesome hike and a little pampering, and she would rather put any extra money into car repair and maintenance than a bachelorette. 

Support young people who don’t blow gifts of money! Of course you don’t have to give it. But you can see it as “budgeted for her happiness” and still give it. 

BoomerDad70 −  You are very lucky your son is marrying such a practical woman. Thank whichever diety you worship and give her the $1,000!! What a great wife she is going to make!

Also, she trusts you enough to tell you the truth about what she really needs- very positive step!! Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth!! YWBTA if you declined her very reasonable request.

McflyThrowaway01 −  YTA for not just immediately saying YES to her. She needs to fix her damn car, and it’s insane that you wouldn’t want her to use some of it for a much needed and useful purpose instead of booze and strippers. Gifts with strings attached isn’t the way to welcome your future DIL into the family.

AnonICantGoOn −  I dont think youre an “a**hole”. But I don’t agree with your stance. She says her coolant fan is broken and she hasn’t changed the oil to her car for nearly 2 years.

You’re fine with giving her money for mani pedis and dinner for her and her friends but not for her to get something important done? It doesn’t really make sense. Car maintenance is a lot more important than a party. I don’t know how the weather is where you are but if here it’s been roughly 130 degrees inside of cars without air conditioning, and that’s absolutely miserable.

It’s also not good to be driving a car for too long without an oil change when needed. It seems these things could greatly benefit her more than a bachelorette party.

the money was suppose to go to a bachelorette but I understand she would rather use it for car maintenance. If you understand she’d rather use it for car maintenance then why would it be an issue? Wouldn’t you be happy that the money is going towards something necessary instead?

my husband thinks it doesn’t make a difference and we should just give her the money in cash and let her do what she wants with it.
I believe your husband is right. She asked, and didn’t demand, and it’d be going to making her overall situation better.

Obviously at the end of the day it’s your money. Do as you please. It was nice of you to offer anything at all when some don’t do anything. I just personally feel like it’s silly to be fine with giving money for a party but not wanting it to go towards something that could greatly help her instead.

Iworkinacupboard −  Sounds like you and DIL are going to have a long-term, positive, respectful relationship. It’s wonderful that you care enough about her to offer $1k for her bachelorette and it sounds like DIL appreciated it and was respectful enough to check with you that it was ok to do a more modest bachelorette plus put the remaining money towards sensible, much needed items.

This is one of those moments in life where the “good-will jar” gets topped up, thanks to both of your actions. Moments like these are what help relationships to flourish!

I adore my MIL and she treats me like her daughter….this has made both of our lives richer due to our loving bond. I’m so relieved not to have experienced one of those u**y, negative, drama-filled MIL/DIL relationships! NAH, see the bigger picture OP, it’ll pay you back ten-fold!

IAndaraB −  NAH. Sure, it might be a little surprising that she wants to use some of the money for something other than a bachelorette, but you offered her $1k. Does it really matter what she uses it on as long as it’s something reasonable?

Would it be reasonable for the user to set boundaries on the gift, or is the bride’s request for car repairs understandable given her current financial situation? How would you handle a similar request for a gift’s intended use to be changed? Share your thoughts below!