WIBTA for making my kid give a gift she really wants for her bday to the person she stole from?

A Reddit user shared a dilemma about disciplining their daughter after she stole a beloved game device from a relative with developmental delays. The parent is considering a tough but meaningful punishment—having the child give a coveted birthday gift, a Nintendo Switch, to the victim as a way to make amends.

Read the full story below to understand the situation and the parent’s reasoning.

‘ WIBTA for making my kid give a gift she really wants for her bday to the person she stole from?’

My daughter turns 11 in ~6 weeks. She has been BEGGING for a Nintendo Switch. Due to poor grades & overall bad attitude, we decided not to get a Switch. Money isn’t the issue… it’s her behavior; she acts very entitled & she’s lying left & right.

I just don’t feel now is the right time for a Switch.. The theft: On Easter, we (my husband, our kids, & myself) are at my husband’s aunt & uncle’s house. Aunt & Uncle have 2 adult children, one of whom is mentally delayed (we’ll call her Cousin); she functions @ about a 10 yr old level but is in her 40s.

She lives in an assisted living apartment & has a job where she gets paid ~$5 a week, so she doesn’t get many upscale things unless they are a gift. Well, Cousin had an old game boy that she saved up to buy & was playing while we were there.

She eventually set it down & moved on to playing a board game with us while the kids ran around playing. Well….. this is where it goes to hell in a handbag. My kid decided to be an epic turd & took the gameboy.

She snuck it out of Aunt & Uncle’s by asking if she could go to our car to look for a book she had brought, & stashed it in the glove box. She proceeded to hide the fact that she had the gameboy for several days, even after being asked where she last saw it (her opening to come clean) when Aunt & Uncle called & asked if we had seen where Cousin might have left it.

Due to Cousin’s challenges, she was utterly DISTRAUGHT over her missing gameboy. It’s one of the few forms of entertainment she has, & she worked hard to have it.

I’m disappointed about the thievery, but I’m even more upset over my kid’s attitude about being caught. I only found out about it because her sisters ratted her out. Even then she absolutely refused to tell me the truth & tried to pin it on her sisters.

It wasn’t until I sat there & thought about it that I knew she was lying to me. Once I told her I knew it had to be her because of XYZ did she finally confess. Her behavior only got worse from there.

She refused to apologize when Uncle & Cousin came by to get the gameboy, & had the balls to act like SHE was the one being wronged. I feel like I need to drop the hammer on her and send the message home that stealing IS NOT OK.

I think that purchasing the Switch (with my daughter’s help from money she would “earn” by doing extra chores) & having her give it to Cousin might be a good way to deliver that message while simultaneously giving Cousin a nice upgrade to make amends. I mentioned this to a friend & they said this would be a d**k move because… BIRTHDAY…

I don’t really think that matters, but the comment was enough to make me question myself. What do you think Reddit?
Edit: Thank you all for the replies. I just wanted to let everyone know who is suggesting therapy that we have been taking advantage of that option.

Also – I do intend on giving my kiddo the opportunity to earn a Switch down the line, just not in such close proximity to this incident. Not sure how or when, since I have a SO to consult, but the opportunity will be provided in some way.

***Edit: I’ll add more context here because some people are making assumptions and saying I’m TA for being a lazy parent. Our therapist is of the opinion that my daughter largely has these issues because of the inconsistent co-parenting relationship her bio dad has with my husband and I.

My husband and I are big on structure, boundaries, natural consequences, and following through.
Her bio dad is the exact opposite of us.

He and his family hardly ever tell her “no” to the things she wants, and give her a ridiculous amount of treats (toys, candy, etc.), and this is causing her to be confused, to struggle with our expectations, and express herself negatively.
I assure you, we have been addressing these behaviors for quite some time.

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

laughing-cow −  NTA – I personally think this could be a good learning curve plus think of how happy it would make the cousin! I actually think it’s a really good idea.

[Reddit User] −  NTA. I think this might be hard on your kid, but from what it sounds like it could be the wake up call she needs to end her s**tty behaviour. I would not gift her nothing, though, as it is still her birthday and she is still a pretty young child – on top of giving cousin the switch, give your daughter a small, but nevertheless meaningfull gift.

richielaw −  NTA but I also wonder if therapy or some type of counseling might be helpdul for your daughter. She is displaying some very worrying behaviors and it will likely only get worse from here.
This is a good lesson but it might also just make her more angry and less empathetic.

ThatBurningDog −  I’m going to go with ESH. Pretty obvious what your daughter did was wrong. Can’t argue out of that one.
I’m not so sure on the punishment though, as glorious as it initially seems.

We’re forgetting that Cousin is in the middle of all this and is essentially a pawn in Daughter’s punishment. How is this going to make Cousin feel? How is Daughter’s view on Cousin going to change?

10-year-old me would probably be quite jealous and resentful of her – Daughter already seems quite entitled judging by the response to being caught so I’d imagine this could backfire rather spectacularly.

Also, why the focus on the monetary aspect? Your Daughter *stole* from a family member, and your response is basically to give the victim an expensive piece of electronics? I’m sorry but that’s almost teaching sociopathy – that it doesn’t matter if you do wrong because forgiveness can be purchased.

Lastly, what’s to say she won’t do it again with the Switch? I’m not religious in the slightest but there a story early on in the Bible about temptation and fruit or something…
I can’t give you parenting advice but I don’t see any of this plan ending well in the long term.

**Edit:** I guess it would be more accurate to day Everyone (Would) Suck Here (If You Went Through With It). I’m not saying that you, at present, suck.

**Edit 2:** \[\*sigh\*\] On the point about “teaching sociopathy”, a few things.
One, I’m not saying that Daughter is or will become a s**iopath – it’s the concept that OP will inadvertently be instilling the idea that although Daughter did wrong, buying expensive gifts will make up for it.

Given her reaction to being caught (trying to shift blame, not apologising etc) she doesn’t understand that *what she did has hurt someone else*. Surely that is the lesson that needs to be the priority here?

I’m not a psychologist – hell, it’s taken me three attempts to even type the word correctly – so I know I’m in no position to make diagnosis. If none of that makes sense, I’ll refer to you, who has put it far more eloquently than myself.. Also, thanks for the silver!

AntiKaren412 −  NTA in theory, but the execution here is bad. Don’t make the disabled cousin the bait here for your daughter’s punishment. She’s not a party favor – she’s a human being who was wronged by your daughter.

You can teach her a lesson without involving others who may not understand what’s going on, and is just going to create more weirdness and resentment.

n_m_l −  NTA – I was 12 when I got busted shop lifting, father cottened on that I could never have afforded the beautiful crystal necklace I came home with. My attitude sucked blah blah much like ur daughter tbh.

Well he drove me back to the shop and made me hand it back to the owner (who had no idea it was missing) made me apologies and work for her for a few hours to make amends.

Humiliating enough for me to never do it again, humbling enough to realise this lady worked hard for her dollars and I had no right to take what did not belong to me.

Father talked to me in depth numerous times before during and after to make sure the lessons were learnt and I wasn’t just resenting being caught.

He also made me understand that this was a better punishment than the alternative of calling the police. Theft is theft no matter who you steel off – she needs to learn her lesson with ur guidance before it escalates

tsabracadabra −  EDIT to actually answer the question – NTA but i don’t think your proposed plan would teach her anything, but would definitely make her bitter.
I say give her chores to earn $5/week toward a switch (of her own, not for cousin) so she can understand how hard cousin worked for that gameboy. Put up a chart so she can see her progress.

wwwooowwwzzzaaa −  NTA.. But it sounds like your kid needs some sort of counselling.

santaweresmyfuknbike −  NTA. Sometimes lessons have to be taught through the toughest of love. Given the lack of remorse, simply getting busted obviously didn’t teach her what she did was wrong so a tougher lesson needs to be taught.

Yes she’s going to be upset. Yes it’s her birthday. But this a consequence she will forever remember when she thinks taking someone else’s belongings is acceptable.

BaggiraBaggy −  NTA. Your kid does not deserve an expensive gift. Your kid deserves a harsh consequence for stealing and putting that person through distress. The unapologetic behaviour afterwards really tops it off.
Good luck! I hope she learns her lesson, and turns her behaviour around quick smart.

Do you think making the child give up a prized birthday gift is an effective way to teach a lesson about stealing, or is it too harsh for an 11-year-old? How would you handle this situation? Share your opinions in the comments below!