WIBTA for going to my sisters baby shower after my wife miscarried?

A Redditor shares a heartbreaking dilemma: after he and his wife suffered a recent miscarriage, his sister’s long-awaited baby shower is coming up. While his wife needs his support, he also feels a strong desire to celebrate his sister’s joy, as she’s faced her own struggles with infertility. Both women have gone through difficult journeys, and he’s torn between supporting his wife in her grief and being there for his sister on her big day. Read the full story below.

‘ WIBTA for going to my sisters baby shower after my wife miscarried?’

I (M31) have been trying to start a family with my wife (F30) and in February she fell pregnant, but miscarried 1 week ago and we’re devastated. This is not the first time. I’ve been doing my best to support her and we both took a few days off work.

My sister (F34) is currently pregnant, after many, many years of infertility issues and going through IVF. She is really excited and equally stressed about losing the baby, but I am incredibly happy for her and everything is apparently going really well health wise.

On Sunday, my sister has her baby shower. My wife does not want to attend, and I completely understand. So does my sister, who we have told. Sister is completely sympathetic and said she doesn’t expect me to attend either, but I know she wants me too.

My wife doesn’t want me to, saying she needs my support right now. Everything in the family is all about babies right now and knowing where I am, she feels like its going to put her over the top. I feel extremely torn. I want to go to my sisters baby shower.

It’s been a long time coming and I’m really happy for her, and excited for her and to be an uncle. Obviously I am devastated about our baby loss and I feel horrible for my wife and what’s she going through again, but I still want to be there for my sister. I am her only sibling and we are really close. I don’t know what to do, and I need an outside opinion for help.. WIBTA?

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

goldenfingernails −  NAH. I am so sorry for your loss. This is such a hard time for you and your wife. Torn as you are with grief over your loss but happy that your sister is finally pregnant. I don’t see a right or wrong answer, frankly, but I would advise staying with your wife.

If you don’t, this could build resentment in the relationship. Send your sister some nice flowers or a surprise gift during her baby shower to let her know you are thinking of her. I’m glad she’s being understanding.

Adventurous_View917 −  If your wife wants you to stay and your sister says that’s fine, YWBTA for going. But very sorry for your loss 🙁

DragonMaster7433 −  This seems like a very tough call to me. Your wife says that she needs your support, but this is a very huge deal for your sister too. I think the part that really decides this though is that your wife miscarried only a week ago.

For any smaller event, you would (hopefully) stay back anyways to support your wife, so I think that would be the correct choice here too (to stay with your wife). But please, do send your sister love and support too via text and other forms of communication.

You can still easily send your sister support while staying home, but you can’t properly send your wife support when you are away at a celebration for something that she just lost. In the end, YWBTAH if you left your wife for your sister’s baby shower.

Spare-Article-396 −  YWBTA if you go. Your wife is emotionally raw. She shouldn’t be left alone while you’re at a party celebrating the coming of a baby. I totally get where you’re coming from, but this is just a party, and there will be plenty of time to show support for your sis and baby in the months/years to come.

Your sis understands. Please don’t leave your wife alone that day. She needs you more than your sis does. Btw, I’m truly sorry for your loss and will keep you in my prayers.

-Onion_Kid- −  I would say YTA if you went. Your wife needs your support now, and just because you don’t show up to the baby shower doesn’t mean you can’t support your sister during her pregnancy. Maybe send a gift from her registry if she has one and a heartfelt card in the meantime.

Solid_Bed_752 −  I had a miscarriage when I was pregnant with my 2nd child. Our whole friend group (of first kids the same age) were in various stages of pregnancy around that time. We were together for Halloween with the kids TOT-ing and I took a picture of them together all pregnant.

It was a little sad for me, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t happy for them and tried to show that. I did end up having a baby a year behind the rest of them (tho after a second miscarriage)

I guess my point is that the pain is real but I think your wife should be able to find room in her heart for joy for your sister as well. I personally think she’s being s**fish for not wanting you to go even for a little while.

Everyone processes pain differently – I’m not trying to make myself a saint and your wife the devil. I don’t think YWBTA if you went at least for a little while to the shower. That said, you also wouldn’t be if you didn’t go. It’s a tough one.

[Reddit User] −  NAH but please stay home and support your wife. I’m sure your sister would understand. You could take her to lunch another time, or arrange a present delivery for the day of the shower.

[Reddit User] −  NAH, and I disagree with all of the comments stating that you shouldn’t go. This is a very important moment for your sister and your family, but also for you. You’re excited to be an uncle and you want to support and be surrounded by people you love while you celebrate.

That is reasonable — so, so reasonable! — and I suspect that you will feel regretful and resentful about missing out on this if you stay home. While it’s possible (as others have stated) that your wife may feel resentful or lonely if you attend, I don’t think that sacrificing this moment and your own sources of comfort is the way to go.

Enlist support for her during the time you’d be out and know that the two of you may grieve differently, and that’s ok.
Sending the both of you so much kindness and comfort.

SeamStressed1 −  Don’t leave your wife home alone, thinking about you celebrating with your sister and a healthy baby.. because all she will be able to think about is how empty she feels.

That awful, h**low, empty feeling will be huge if she is alone thinking about what you are off celebrating..  send a card, and offer to take her to lunch to celebrate later..

I wish you and your wife strength, and hope. Nothing anyone can say right now will make her feel better. But you can help her not dwell on what you have lost. And I wish you all the luck in the future when or if you choose to try again. 

hadMcDofordinner −  It’s just a party, stay home. There will be time to celebrate your sister’s. child (hopefully) later, lots of time. Your sister has told you she is fine. with you not going to the party, so don’t.

Would the user be in the wrong for attending his sister’s baby shower, or is this a difficult but fair choice to support a loved one? How would you balance being there for family while honoring a partner’s grief? Share your thoughts below!