WIBTA for discouraging my boyfriends art career?

A 28-year-old woman feels frustrated with her boyfriend’s pursuit of an art career, believing his efforts are not fruitful and seeing him as idealistic and unmotivated. With his significant student debt and part-time job, she feels the burden of working full-time to support their future.

Though she loves him, she’s unsure how to express her concerns about his paintings and lack of financial stability without seeming unsupportive. Now, she’s considering whether asking him to quit art would be unfair. read the original story below…

‘ WIBTA for discouraging my boyfriends art career?’

I (28F) love my boyfriend (27M) very much, he is a very empathic and idealistic guy. He studied art history and is now trying to make a name for himself as an artist (paintings primarily). I myself am a little more pragmatic, idealistic also (I am a human rights lawyer), but I feel that his attempts at becoming an artist are very naive.

The problems started when he finished studying, I had no problem with him studying art history, though I do feel like that it’s risky with limited career options, combined with the fact he assembled over 80.000 euro’s student debt, as he didn’t work much on the side and got no support from his parents.

I myself studied law and worked on the side, and was lucky enough to have parents that supported me, so I assembled no student loan. After finishing his studies I thought he would try to get a junior job at a museum, or maybe he would end up working in a more boring government job if things didn’t work out in the art scene.

However for the last three years he has been working 2 days in a boring administrative job for minimum wage, and spent the other 3 days making paintings. I am no expert in paintings, but I really feel that he isn’t a very good artist, I never tell him so of course, but I also don’t often express enthousiasm about his work.

His attempts however to sell paintings or to be included in expositions have been very unfruitful and I have been considering how to express my concern without being a horrible girlfriend.

I can sometimes feel really angry when I get home from my hard job (I often work long hours, 5 days a week) and see him playing x-box on the couch or finishing a painting that looks bad. It makes me feel like I am working hard for our shared future (we are not sure whether we want to have kids together but we haven’t ruled out the idea), whereas he seems to be slacking.

I have gotten angry 1 or 2 times in more minor ways (I am not a fan of conflict) but we always ‘talked it out’ and I ended up apologizing. Recently, I have just felt like I can’t take the frustration anymore, what to do? WIBTA if I told him to quit making art?

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

BetweenWeebandOtaku −  This seems more a compatibility issue: if his passion makes you frustrated and fearful of the future, that’s a conversation that needs to be had.

Famous_Specialist_44 −  You can’t make him give up something he loves.  If art is his thing then he has the right to pursue it and bear in mind that most artists don’t make it, or find an associated career, for years. You may have a long slog.

However, like everyone else he has an obligation to pay his way. If he isn’t doing this but spends time unfruitfully of the Xbox then you are NTA for having a forthright conversation.

idahoirish −  NTA. You just described my ex-fiance. Our relationship ultimately ended bc he wanted to be a starving artist instead of an actual adult. I also have an arts background, but I also have a firm sense of reality.

He’s now married and a stay at home dad while his wife works full time in a demanding career. Some people would be fine with that, but his lack of drive / motivation / grasp of reality drove me demented and yeah – he just wasn’t a good enough artist to pull it off. NTA, but honestly I don’t think y’all are compatible. He most likely expects you to support him financially in the long run. 

lujza_blaha −  I also believe this needs a serious conversation and he needs a reality check (and by this, I don’t mean that you should tell him he’s a “bad artist”, art is subjective and you’re no art expert. You’re a lawyer.). But as fun as art and life is, the reality is that he has €80k hanging above his head.

It was there while studying, it’s there now and it’ll be there until all paid back. On top of that, should you guys get married, it’ll be just as much yours as it is his, and he’s done nothing to prevent that.

So, while I understand that artists might take time to excel, and no artist should be denied doing what they love (I, myself love painting and doing crafts), this is a totally different thing, you guys. This is no art. It’s eighty thousand euros student debt. It’s real money and it needs someone’s attention.

The fact that it’s caught YOUR attention before it did his…? You do whatever you like with that. NTA. Have that conversation, the sooner the better.

Far_Dependent_8975 −  I think YWBTA for making him stop painting, but he needs a reality check. Many artists have had to work a normal job while trying to launch their art career on the side, he won’t achieve anything if he can’t eat or have a roof over his head. Can he do that without your income while taking care of his loan ?

If he refuses to improve his situation, I’m afraid you will have to seriously rethink the future of your relationship, you are building up resentments and it will eventually explode leaving you both miserables.

FitMom2024 −  As someone who is with an artist you may need to leave him. My husband is a comic book artist so different thing but he loves to draw and is quite good and makes some money doing it not enough to make a living but some.

My husband does have a full time gig though. Being with an artist is hard because they love what they do and do devote a lot of time to their craft and with artist most don’t make a lot of money upfront. He should have a job helping to contribute though so for that no you are NTA.

I will say that if this is a deal breaker you may need to leave if he doesn’t get a side gig until the money comes in from art.

fallingintopolkadots −  YWBTA. This is one reason I avoided dating people who’s art / craft I don’t enjoy. It’s possible you just don’t like his style, but that doesn’t necessarily make it inherently bad. That said, I do know some professional artists (who do art shows and sell work) and most all of them have some kind of job as well.

It would be cool if your bf’s job was at least a step in the direction of his field of interest, while still allowing some time to work on his art. I don’t think telling him to just… stop making art and do something real with his life would go over well, and some of us people really and truly are not meant for an office job.

He may never have the type of career you want for him, and it’s up to you if you can make peace with that or not. It is possible the two of you, and the futures you envision, are incompatible.

littlebitfunny21 −  Don’t tell him to quit art because art isn’t the problem. The problem is he needs a job and to contribute to the household and to have a plan to pay off his debt. Sitting down and asking his plan and giving a deadline after which you’ll move out and no longer help him financially unless [[progress]] makes sense to me.

SabatinoBlank −  Don’t waste your time. He will not change soon and if he changes it might be late and then you loose a time where you can have a happy family

Should she voice her frustrations or let him continue pursuing his passion? Share your thoughts below!