Why do I (35F) feel guilty about ending a 6Y relationship with my BF (33M)?

A Reddit user (35F) is struggling with guilt after ending a 6-year relationship with her boyfriend (33M), despite knowing that the relationship isn’t fulfilling her needs. Over time, trust issues, lack of intimacy, and her boyfriend’s prioritization of friends and family over their relationship led her to question whether she should stay or leave.

Although he has tried to be more affectionate and engaged at times, the user feels drained by the financial imbalance, lack of ambition, and stagnation. She’s torn about walking away, especially with their lease renewed and the emotional weight of Christmas approaching. Read the full story below to understand the user’s inner conflict and the challenges she faces…

‘ Why do I (35F) feel guilty about ending a 6Y relationship with my BF (33M)?’

I (35f) have been with my bf (33m) for 6 years. He is a good person and I love him. I used to be so pressed for him to want to propose to me, but over the last year- I know I would not say yes.

He started the relationship on a lie, which immediately caused a lot of friction and trust issues, and he frequently spent a lot of time with friends without me- strolling in at 4am.

Up until maybe a year ago- I didnt have a good relationship with his family no matter how hard I tried. He actually only met my family this year and that’s only bc I paid for the flights and hotel/rental car. He always used the cost of travel as an excuse.

I broke up with him August 2023 bc I was just tired of his friends, family coming before me/our relationship and just over all the lack of affection and constant arguments where I was always having to justify myself without any validation or acknowledgment on his end.

I got tired of lack of intimacy and/or having to constantly ask only to be turned down. A few days of awkward cohabitation while he figured things out, and he decided he wanted another chance to recommit himself to the relationship.

He started planning dates for a while and being more affectionate. It slowly dwindled again, but I realize its partly it’s bc I’m pulling back. It’s been 18 months since we’ve had any sort of intimacy, I’m bothered by having to pay the majority the bills and his lack of ambition.

We’ve never gone on a vacation bc he always cites not being financially prepared for it or he says “we’ll see”- which basically means no. I hold back and don’t go bc I feel bad. I told him I’m not sure how to motivate him without sounding like his mother or sh***** on him.

One of the last straws has been him not coming on a company retreat because he didn’t have money to pay for his flight despite me telling him almost a year in advance. He didn’t allow me to pay for it but still took those days off of work.

I feel like if I walk away, I’m giving up on him. It’s Christmas time, and we just renewed our lease (which I can pay entirely on my own once I sell my 2nd car which he drives… it’s paid off and he only has to pay the insurance). I just want a partner who I can grow with (spiritually, professionally, financially) and who matches my efforts.

I know money isn’t the most important thing, but I don’t want to hold back on things because he can’t afford it, or be held back bc I’m responsible for more things since he can’t pay. Why do I feel so guilty for wanting to leave the relationship? Is it giving up? I don’t see the relationship progressing or elevating beyond where we currently are.

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

Izzy4162305 −  WALK AWAY NOW. You will never find someone who can give you the time, affection, and attention you deserve if you stay with this l**er. This holiday season, give yourself the gift of freedom – from a relationship with someone who brings absolutely nothing to the table, and to find someone worthy of you.

WildlyUninteresting −  Maybe it isn’t guilt but regret from wasting so much time on him?

pandalicious7 −  Don’t continue to make a mistake just because you’ve spent a long time making it.

Kubuubud −  You’re not giving up on him, you’re just finally choosing yourself. You can’t keep suffering and exhausting yourself because you want to help him. He doesn’t want to help himself and there’s nothing you can do about it. Set yourself free. Maybe it’ll give him the kick he needs to finally figure himself out.

Muted-Friendship-662 −  I think the guilt is because you’ve put so much effort and love into it already. The longer the relationship, the harder it gets. It sounds like he doesn’t contribute a lot to you or the relationship.

My mom also tried breaking up with her boyfriend but it seems like (some) men will only try their best to win the woman back and once she’s her loving, serving self, he rolls back into his old habbits. I would break up and focus on yourself because it’s sounds like he’s holding you back. But ofcourse it’s a lot easier said than done. Hope you’ll be okay, whichever you end up doing. Good luck! ❤️

tropicaldiver −  Yes you are giving up. And sometimes that is, unfortunately, the right decision. It is here. While admitting defeat is something we are ingrained to never do, the reality in any relationship is you can only control you. You are simply acknowledging that he is who he is and if you want different it is best for everyone if you just move on.

HedgehogNo8361 −  Leave. He’s a freeloader and you’re wasting the prime years of your life with this l**er.

hiddenpearlinfolds −  IMO You feel guilty because you are a determined ambitious person and naturally you want to try everything, you want to understand rationale, you want to make sense of his behaviour. That is holding you back. Your heart is telling you it’s over (in reference to the lack of intimacy) Your brain is pragmatic and wants to decipher this situation.

Think of this situation as conducting an appraisal with one of your subordinates at work. His behaviour is unacceptable. If he wants a relationship then he needs to TURN up for it and do his part. He isn’t.. Time to move on.. All the best ❤️

Plus-Load279 −  If you were both honest with yourselves and thought about what you each really wanted out of a relationship, how close do you think your ideal relationship would be? Based on what you’re saying, it seems like you each want different things. I don’t think it’s giving up if you want more out of life and a relationship than he does

WhoisthatRobotCleanr −  You are wasting your life.

Do you think the user is being unfair to feel guilty for wanting to leave the relationship, or is it understandable to struggle with ending something that has been part of her life for so long? How would you navigate a relationship where your efforts aren’t being reciprocated? Share your thoughts and advice below!