When should I [23M] tell the girl I’m dating [22F] that I don’t have a p****?

ADVERTISEMENT

A man in his early twenties is grappling with how to disclose a deeply personal aspect of his life: he lost his p**** in an accident as a teenager. Despite making peace with his condition, dating has been challenging, as previous partners have distanced themselves after learning about it. Now dating someone he really likes, he’s unsure of the right time and approach to share his truth. Read the full story below.

ADVERTISEMENT

‘ When should I [23M] tell the girl I’m dating [22F] that I don’t have a p****?’

When I was in my early teens, I lost most of my p**** in an accident. There’s nothing there now. I have testicles but basically there’s no p**** attached to the top of it anymore. I know this sucks, but I’ve come to peace with my condition. People have all sort of disabilities, this is mine and it’s not the worst thing in the world.

My problem is dating. All girls that I’ve dated so far, without exception, have walked away once they know of my condition. I don’t blame them, but I’m thinking that maybe I’m not handling the situation properly. I’ve always told the truth fairly early on, thinking that I should let them know early on so that they can decide if they want to keep on dating as it’s not fair to waste their time if this indeed is a deal breaker to them, but this has never worked well for me.

ADVERTISEMENT

Now I’m dating a girl that I really like for around a month, and I still haven’t told her. Should I tell her now? Should I wait a little longer? How should I tell her? Just an honest conversation and telling them directly, which is what I’ve been doing so far? I’m a little disappointed with my past experiences. I know and have accepted what this situation means for me in terms of s**ual life, but I’m coming to the understanding that this might even mean I can’t even have relationships, which isn’t what I was expecting.

Tl;dr: I’m confused about how to communicate to potential partners about the fact that I don’t have a p****.

ADVERTISEMENT

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

exegg −  I’ve always told the truth fairly early on, thinking that I should let them know early on so that they can decide if they want to keep on dating as it’s not fair to waste their time if this indeed is a deal breaker to them, but this has never worked well for me. Even though has never worked so far, I believe is the right thing to do. Maybe is not something you tell on the first date of course, but not everyone could handle it and it’s not fair to hold the truth for too long. You can still have a healthy s** life even with your disability, don’t forget that.

tama_gotchi −  Hi OP, Other have given some good advice so I’m going to go down a different route… Have you cut s** out of your life completely? Or are you still active? I mean, you have your fingers and tongue and there are ALL kinds of toys out there. I don’t know if you’re into this at all but I know a lot of women are into pegging and might even be turned on by your situation. Check out /r/s** if you have any questions or feel like you need advice.

ADVERTISEMENT

Secondly, how you present the situation is important. If you DO wish to be s**ually active then I suggest saying something like; “There’s something I need to tell you, I was involved in an unfortunate accident when I was younger and now I don’t have a p****. This is something I have accepted and come to terms with myself and I understand you may need some time to do the same.

Before you go and have a think about how you would like to proceed, let me tell you that I am still very interested in s**ual activities, I can give oral like nobody else and I’m willing to play with dildo’s / strapons. I’d really like for us to try this out and see how it goes, if it doesn’t work out, then no hard feelings, I’ll be content that we tried. I’ll give you as much time as you need to think this over.”. I wish you the best of luck OP!

ADVERTISEMENT

Melika-TA −  It’s tough. Disabilities (of all sorts) make dating much more difficult. I have a friend who is paralyzed and he knows that he is rejected on the basis of his disability by 90% of potential partners. Your disability is more hidden and affects your day to day life less, but is perhaps even a more deal breaker when it comes to dating and relationships.

I don’t have a golden solution for you but I wish you luck and I think it’s fair in general to tell them early on, to avoid wasting their and more importantly your time and avoid emotional attachments and potential breakup problems.

ADVERTISEMENT

[Reddit User] −  As a transman I can sympathize. With your current girlfriend rather than just telling her maybe you could turn it into an open conversation right off the bat. “I really like you and I’d like to have s** with you. Unfortunately I was in an accident as a child that makes s** difficult… I can’t do [specific s** acts] but I am happy to do [other s** acts] or experiment. Would you be comfortable with trying this with me?” Worst case it’s a dealbreaker and the relationship ends, best case you give her a chance to have an honest discussion on what she wants from s** and see if it’s compatible with you. Good luck.

Not-Bad-Advice −  There is, unfortunately, no magic way of conveying this information that wont scare off a lot of women. The reason for your past experiences isnt the way you tell people, its that most people want penetrative s** as part of a relationship. This DOESNT mean you are doomed to repeating this experience over and over however – you just need to be more selective about who you date. I would highly recommend looking into support groups for Vaginissimus sufferers (for whom penatrative s** is painful) or even asexual people who are not aromantic and telling your story there.

ADVERTISEMENT

As odd as it sounds, there is a lot of sense in trying to date women who have their own disability which will make them compatible or at least understanding of yours. I do think not telling girls fairly early on (a few dates at most) is pretty unreasonable. A month is a long time! PS: Out of interest, is there a reason you dont want the fairly common and effective surgery to give you a prosthetic p**** or even a transplant?

[Reddit User] −  This isn’t very helpful to you right now but might be in the future – have you considered seeking out bi/pansexual partners? I’m pansexual, which means I’m attracted to people of all genders. This includes men without ‘traditional’ p****es (ie usually trans men but obviously there are lots of cis men without p****es too.) A woman who’s dated women and/or men without p****es before might be less likely to walk out. I know for a fact I wouldn’t walk out on you based on your genitals and I’m horrified and saddened that this has been a repeating experience for you.

ADVERTISEMENT

explodingb0y −  so i’m a guy without a p**** too, except i’m transgender so it’s not due to an accident. whenever i date people (men in my case) i have to tell them that my genitals are not what they are expecting at some point.

for me, i wait to tell people until it is clear to me that this person is interested in things becoming s**ual. this can be as early as a first date or as late as a few weeks in – it really depends on the person and how fast things move. i dont tell people before that because i dont want to waste the stress of disclosing on someone who would turn out not to be interested anyway. sometiems its been as late as right before s**, sometimes earlier, sometimes its resutled in a long conversation, sometimes it hasnt cos they dont really care at all. you have to adjust to the other person i think.

ADVERTISEMENT

i dont want people to think that i am not interested in a s**ual relationship with them if i am, so if its looking like things are heading that way and i am interested, that is when i will tell them. however, you may feel differently – you might want to tell people you want to take it slow or not. that’s up to you.

the problem is is that the longer you wait, and the longer both of have to build an emotional attachment to eachother, the higher the stakes get for telling someone. you may find this builds a bond that allows you to overcome your disability, or you may find that you end up really liking someone and more hurt if it ends badly. so thats the disadvantage.

ADVERTISEMENT

you havent really said here whether you want to have s** with people, or whether youre interested in using prosthetics etc to still have the experience of f**king someone (it’s still fun i promise, even though i know its not the same). when you tell girls, are you taking penetrative s** off the table, or are you open minded to trying stuff to make it work for both of you? as i think thats important. and i think your disclosure needs to discuss exactly what you are and aren’t ok with, so it’s not just left for them to assume how s** is going to look with you.

i think honestly the important thing is you do what makes you comfortable. you are the one who has to deal with this disability for the rest of your life – the other person can totally forget about this if they want to stop dating and move on, but it’s your life, so you have to find a way that works for you.

ADVERTISEMENT

cquo8 −  How would you imagine your s**ual life?b I think it’s fair enough to not tell girls at the very first moment. Everyone presents their best side at first when dating, and for a good reason. What people think might be deal breakers before they start dating turns out to not be that crucial after getting to know someone a bit better. That’s why people with huge lists of checkboxes for their future partner to tick don’t do so well.

Anyway, it’s a tough choice. I’d say tell her when things are leading up to s**. Give her a little time to process, but be confident with her that even without a p**** you can still make her feel amazing in bed.

ADVERTISEMENT

dunimal −  Hey, are you interested in phalloplasty? I’m a nurse, one of my friends is a urologist who can help you have a sensate p**** you can pee from and have s** with. There’s like 5 guys doing this work in the USA. HMU for referral info.

Wegwurf123 −  Something you don’t mention in this post makes me wonder if you tell this to your female partners – you say your testicles are intact, does that mean you can still have children? Because while I understand that you are young and so children aren’t necessarily on your mind, a prospective partner might plan them for the future. So if you’re not sterile – or if you are – I think it’s important that you clarify this when disclosing. You don’t want a girl to leave because she thinks she can’t have children with you when that possibility actually still exists.

ADVERTISEMENT

Disclosing sensitive personal matters in relationships can be daunting. Should he share his story sooner or wait until the relationship deepens? How can he approach this with honesty and compassion? Share your insights and advice below!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Email me new posts

Email me new comments