When I [30 F] say “our bathroom” or “our house” etc, my husband [30 M] always has to point out that it’s “his” house etc
A Redditor (30F) shares her distress over her husband’s (30M) habit of emphasizing ownership over their shared home and possessions, often correcting her when she says “our” with “my.” Despite being involved in their home purchase process and currently pregnant with their first child.
She feels undermined and hurt by his remarks, even though he claims to be joking. This behavior has left her questioning whether he resents her role as a stay-at-home mom or if deeper issues are at play. Read the original story below:
‘ When I [30 F] say “our bathroom” or “our house” etc, my husband [30 M] always has to point out that it’s “his” house etc’
He’ll stop me and say, “MY house” and when I get upset he goes “it’s my house, but since I’m yours, you get to live in it” (or something similar)
It makes me feel so s**tty when he does that. He sorta does it jokingly but it happens without fail almost every time, and I’ve tried to tell him it’s hurtful and he just laughs and says he’s kidding.
For context, we…sorry, HE…bought a house last year right before we got married. I was part of the entire process since we already lived together, but he put his savings into the down payment and it was his name on everything for obvious reasons.
I had recently spent the last of my savings to pay off student loans and was only doing freelance remote work so I wasn’t really bringing in much money and was trying to focus on my mental health. He has a really good paying job and always said he was happy to support me.
I’ve even talked about getting a job in my field again if that would make him happy and he assured me I don’t need to. Cool. But now it just feels like because his money is what buys mostly everything, that I’m some mooch just living off of him. Mind you, I’m pregnant with our first kid due very soon, this was all discussed extensively that I was to be a SAHM.
So why does he feel the need to hurt me like that? Does he secretly wish I was working and bringing home more money? Does he think I’m pathetic? It makes me feel like I’m a f**king roommate who hasn’t paid rent and he’s doing me a favor.
And another thing that confuses me is if my parents/relatives ever want to give us anything (like a wedding or baby shower gift) he gets annoyed because he wants to be the one to buy that stuff for us and doesn’t wanna rely on other people.
Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:
Unlucky_Speaker_439 − He’s doing it to remind you, that to him, it is in fact HIS house. You’ve told him it hurts you and he continues to do it.
I would never advise anyone become a SAHM without a prenup and clause that entitled you to compensation for every year you give up being in the workforce.
If he divorces you or you get sick of bare minimum behavior in the future, do NOT be surprised when he says… You haven’t contributed anything to MY household and aren’t entitled to any when you leave. Regardless if you’ve been putting in the unpaid physical and mental labor to make his life easier or enable him to have a child.
He may not value it. He is clearly telling you every time that what he has, he is so generously bestowing on you. Which means he doesn’t consider you as true partners. Stay independent. Get a part time remote job and save every penny to put away for you and your future bc he won’t be looking out for you with that mindset.
Nani65 − This is some seriously passive-aggressive s**t, followed by 5-star g**lighting. He **isn’t** joking. He does not see you as a full partner in your marriage.. You’ve married an ass, OP.
OkeyDokey654 − He’s a j**k. Ask him “If we were renting this house from a landlord, would I be allowed to say *our bathroom,* or would you insist we both call it *our landlord’s bathroom?”*
GreenOnionCrusader − Find yourself a job and quit doing anything around *HIS* house. You’re in a very precarious position right now and you have no financial fallback of your own. You need to fix that.
Librashell − He bought the house before you got married because he knows it will be a pre-marital asset in his name alone and you won’t get half if you ever divorce. That he’s resentful that he can’t isolate you from your relatives enough so that you are *entirely* dependent on him is very telling.
Abuse often starts after the kid arrives because you’re stuck. Right now, it’s emotional and perhaps financial. Regardless of your discussion to be a SAHM, you should keep some kind of job to ensure your independence because, I suspect, he’s backing you into a very dark corner.
This is all doom and gloom, but, really, you’re married. This is not how marriages should operate. You should be a team that’s building a life *together* (ours) regardless of roles.
Sheshcoco − He’s slowly eroding your value and worth. He wants to remind you that he holds all the power in this relationship. Now that you are pregnant you are more financially dependent on him and therefore are more vulnerable. My advice is to get your own money. Your husband is walking red flag
ellepre − He sounds controlling.
fifitsa8 − As an attorney, I’d not be a SAHM with the behaviour he is already displaying. Keep your financial freedom as much as possible. Ideally, speak to him, seek therapy and a post-nup if you do become financially dependant/choose to be a SAHM.
Personally, I would have respectfully not gotten pregnant (had I wanted kids) if I saw this behaviour pre-pregnancy and if it presented itself during the pregnancy, I’d have a very sit down discussion with him and if his behaviour did not change, I’d separate and focus on co-parenting.
This is not how a “team” should act and in my humble opinion, is disrespectful to your contributions as a wife and future mother of his child. This is also a bad example of co-parenting and what a marriage should like for your child.
I’m also willing to bet he doesn’t believe in sharing domestic and parental duties but wants his contributions to “count” and be seen as solely his because they’re financial. I would not move back in with him unless there was a concrete post-nup in place. Get yourself a good, creative attorney.
I don’t know where you live but check out options such a stake in the home you live in for every year of marriage or SAHM/working part time or less due to home obligations and/or a yearly pay out. Your partner has proven to be untrustworthy. You deserve better and your post shows me you know it deep down inside.
bdayqueen − First step of abuse… He’s making you feel like you don’t belong and you have no rights. I recommend going back to work after you have your baby. He doesn’t respect you. He wants to keep you dependent on him so you’ll be too scared to leave him.
VirgoLuv87 − It seems he likes to buy everything to maintain a certain amount of control. I think you two should go speak to someone so he can understand where you’re coming from and work on it.
Sometimes I’ll say “your” to my husband and he immediately goes “OUR!”. That’s how it’s supposed to be. I hope he decides to truly listen to you and everything works out. Congratulations on the baby.
Is this husband’s behavior a harmless joke, or does it reveal deeper issues about control and respect in the relationship? How should partners address feelings of inequality in a marriage, especially when one partner is financially supporting the other? Share your insights below!
For those who want to read the sequel: https://aita.pics/KfMSi