What’s the best time to end my (50M) relationship with my GF (41F) of 3 years.

A 50-year-old man (M) is struggling with the decision to end his three-year relationship with his girlfriend (41F), as he feels that his priority needs to be his 15-year-old son, who lives with his ex. While his girlfriend has been supportive, their living situation would require him to be far away from his son, which he can’t accept.

He’s torn about when and how to break up, particularly since it’s the holiday season and his girlfriend has already made plans for Christmas. Read his story below and offer your thoughts on how he should approach this difficult situation.

‘ What’s the best time to end my (50M) relationship with my GF (41F) of 3 years.’

My girlfriend and have been through it all, including multiple breakups over the years. There used to be a lot of dysfunction that we’ve worked though. I have some kids, the youngest (15M) lives in my city with his mom. We’re close, but the weekend visits are getting harder to arrange because he’s a teen. I’m trying to work at finding ways to be more present with him. I haven’t been the best dad, and I figure being able to be consistently present is my absolute number one priority.

My girlfriend agrees that I need to be more consistently available for him. Here’s the situation: my girlfriend and I both want a stable home life together. She lives a three hour drive away. If we get married, she’s been very clear that I simply won’t see him very much. This is a deal breaker. It’s been killing me to come up with some alternative, but there’s nothing. The kid is happy living with his mom and has a very positive circle of great friends.

My girlfriend expresses affection in every way, she buys me lots of things, she is a great friend and we have talked this through often. She knows I’m struggling mentally because of this tension. She has had significant mental anguish when we’ve broken up before, such that people have worried about her well being. I worry too.

But I can’t not choose my youngest. He’s the last chance I have to really show up and love him in a difficult time. I might not get to see him all the time, but I can’t have him thinking that dad left him again (I had to move for work for a few years). So I need to break up with her. But I truly adore her and she’ll have a very very hard time with this.

It’s Christmas time, she’s going to have me over for Christmas Eve with family (who are great) and probably buy me really expensive stuff. I’ve gotten her presents too, but they won’t compare. She’s much more well off than I am.
I told her not to buy me anything more for Christmas, but I don’t feel good continuing the relationship with s** and family (and her great kid) when I know I need to end it.

Do I wait until after the holidays and risk her feeling used and deceived, or should I just drive up and tell her as soon as I can. I’m kinda selfish that I don’t want to mourn her over the holidays given that she’s a lot like family. TL;DR I need to end my relationship, but want to do the least harm and cause the least pain. How and when do I do it.

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

angel_inthe_fire −  Tell her now. Don’t make new “memories” that are fake. Break ups s**k so just rip the bandaid. You are picking the right path.

rozery −  Do it now. She’ll be hurt no matter what, but this way she’ll be surrounded by her family for support and she won’t have to look at this year’s holiday photos later on and see you in them.

Sahri −  Now is the time. You want to leave. Don’t just wait and play along until you think the perfect moment has come. The moment is as soon you have decided that this is what you want.

paintedLady318 −  Why not continue doing what you are doing until the boy is older? He’s 15. In another few years, he will be off to college or whatever he has planned for his future. Then, move to where your girlfriend lives. Or, why cant she move to where you are? I could see this would not last if your son was very young, but he’s not. If the relationship is good, just hang on a little longer.

SoulfulSymmetry −  You’ve got the advice you need but I wanted to commend you for picking your son. You are making the right choice.

aresearcherino −  I think you need to be very upfront with her. You love her and wish it was different but she’s been clear she can’t move because of her kid and you are not willing to move further from your son. The long-distance is crappy, expensive and you don’t see each other enough. So while you love her and wish it would work, it just isn’t working.

helonoise −  My mom left me with my grandpa when I was a kid to go live with her boyfriend. My relationship with her never recovered. My grandpa and I were thick as thieves, and he stuck with me. He got a girlfriend when I was in my late 20s, but he refused to move away.

He always made me feel like a priority, and i can’t even begin to explain how much that meant to me. I made my own decision to move states in my late 30s for a job, and that’s when he finally agreed to move with his girlfriend. He’s about an hour flight away and insists that he and I visit each other as often as we can. We also talk on the phone a lot.

There will never be a good time to break up with your girlfriend. Her saying you won’t see your son as often is unspeakable to me. He’s a teenager, and he needs you. I absolutely applaud you for being clear on that truth. You are a hell of a good Dad.

Suzeli55 −  I don’t understand why you need to break up, especially if you’re in love. You don’t even need to get married. You can stay living close to your son and continue your relationship as it is. Your son will graduate high school in a few years and he may even go away to college.

Then you can move and get married. You can also get married but don’t move in together yet. I’m a bit concerned that your girlfriend made it clear that you won’t see your son very much if you get married. Tell her that either you stay living apart for a couple more years until your son is older, or you can break up. I’m betting she chooses the former.

raionraion −  It kinda sucks that this happened so close to Christmas but everyone here is right. It needs to be done before. Breaking up sucks and personally I think the damage will be equally painful. You’re still breaking up on Christmas season. If you do it before, her Christmas won’t be the happiest and if you do it after, she’ll find out that you wanted to break up and feel like her Christmas with you was somewhat of a lie.

WeirdAl777 −  Yesterday.. The second best time is today.