What to do about my (18) brother(23) and his toxic fiance (22)
A Reddit user (18F) expresses concern about their 23-year-old brother’s toxic relationship with his fiancé (22). Over the course of their 7-year relationship, the fiancé has isolated the brother from family and friends, manipulated situations to control him, and created a hostile atmosphere.
The latest incident involved the fiancé trying to ruin their sister’s engagement party and demanding a large sum of money for their wedding. Despite his brother’s unhappiness and attempts to address the issues, he remains in the relationship, often reconciling with his fiancé. The user is conflicted about continuing to be involved in the situation. Read the full story below.
‘ What to do about my (18) brother(23) and his toxic fiance (22)’
Hey all. So my brother and his fiance have been together for around 7 years now. To be honest we didn’t start off great to begin with, my family and I were really nice with her and tried to treat her like part of the family. But she was just weird with us, she didn’t talk to us or eat in front of us. If we went out for dinner she demanded that her and my brother have a separate table away from the rest of the family. She didn’t let him go on vacation with us.
She did a lot of different s**t over the years, if I was talking to them and she wanted to eat they would just kick me out of the room. When our parents were away she purposefully left a mess that I would have to clean up. Planned her birthday party on the day of my birthday so he couldn’t go.
Rummaging through my room while I was gone. Petty stuff like that. But what was worse was what she’s done to my brother, when he got with her he had a lot of friends, he’s always been a happy go lucky, outgoing person. But she stopped letting him see his friends and going to family get togethers. (My other brother and sister live in a different city so we don’t see them often)
About two years ago they both moved in together in a city 3 hours away for university. We see him once every one or two months now which is okay. But she doesn’t let him go out or have friends, which just seems so bizarre to me, I feel like he should be enjoying himself in university, but she just has him cleaning the apartment all the time.
The latest thing that’s happened was that my sister (27) had an engagement party. My brother’s fiance came out with this demand that either they go home with her friend before the party or that my parents drive them home (again, 6 hour drive all in all) afterwards. Oh, and she wasn’t even going to the party, just him. Basically just she wasn’t letting him go, she wanted to ruin the party for my sister.
He ended up going regardless and as punishment, she ignored him on the phone for two days, and that he was allowed to come home when she was away to work. Another thing is that she’s been trying to plan their wedding, even though he’s expressed openly that he doesn’t want to get married yet.
She texted my mum from his phone (he’s dyslexic and doesn’t type the way she did in the text) demanding that my parents would have to give them £4,000 for the wedding. Just to clarify, this isn’t some petty thing just because he’s my brother. I adore my other brother’s boyfriend and sister’s fiance, they fit so well into the family. My family have tried so hard to make my brother’s fiance fit in and feel comfortable.
I don’t know what to do now, he reconciled with her as soon as he went home. I don’t want to associate with either of them anymore, I just feel like they bring in too much stress. Is it childish for me to just stop talking to them? The thing that pisses me off most is the engagement thing, my sister has gone through a lot and is the one person who deserves to be happy, it hurts to know that my brother’s fiance wanted to ruin that for her.
TLDR: Brother’s fiance controls his every move, including which friends and family he sees. Didn’t let my brother go to sister’s engagement party. Brother is too immature and doesn’t stand up for himself. I need some advice on how to deal with them. Sorry for the super long post but I feel like you needed that context 😅 Thanks in advance!
Edit: Thank you all so much for your advice and responses. I’m sorry to hear that some of you have been through something similar. Just to explain a little more, my family didn’t just lie back and let this happen, they’ve tried so many times to help and make him see that this behaviour isn’t normal but I think he’s too far deep.
He’s told us that he isn’t happy and I can tell he hasn’t been happy for a while. He’s tried to get her to change mutliple times, even asked her to go to therapy but she always gets around him again.
Here’s the comments of Reddit users:
Jazz_the_Goose − Wow, this girl is horrible and a**sive. I can’t blame you for wanting nothing to do with her, but have you expressed these concerns to your brother?
irelandisgrand − They have been together since they were 16 and 15, so it’s important to bear in mind that this relationship has zero frame of reference for what is and isn’t healthy. (It’s not BTW).
Not putting it on your parents or anything but why were they entertaining some teenage girl telling them where their son could eat at a restaurant or go on vacation? It seems her unacceptable actions have gone unchecked by your broader family (and possibly her own), hence why she thinks she can act how she wants.
You are not obliged to have a relationship with her by any means, and frankly – why would you want to? I would suggest, advising your family 1st that this is something you are planning to do, to sense if they will support you.
Be prepared that they may not, given that they haven’t called her out over the years. Then you need to decide are you willing to stick your neck out and do what’s right for you.
Tata_zooom − Your brother is in an a**sive relationship. She sounds like a vile person who has isolated him from his friends and family, she’s invaded spaces in the family home, she’s demanding, sounds like a d**ma queen, and controls his life/the relationship. She’s planning a wedding despite him not wanting to get married. What even is that?
It is 100% ok for you to no longer want anything to do with them. If your brother comes with this vile woman, then the consequence is you don’t want to see him. I think you should talk to your parents, maybe just one of them at first, and tell them how worried you are for your brother. Imagine what kind of dynamic is happening at home between your brother and the gf.
He is being abused and controlled and I think you should get your parents and other siblings to see this too, and then stage an intervention for your brother only (he needs to get away from her, so she’s got NO part in his intervention). If you can make your brother see that he is in an a**sive relationship, then you can help him get out.
JoeGlory − She is not toxic. She is a**sive. This is what an a**sive relationship looks like (one version of it at least) .
thisisnotadrillsee − This happened in my family with my uncle. He married someone just like this, and we lost contact with him for probably 20 years because she didn’t want him to have anything to do with the rest of us.
My uncle started to visit us once again when my grandfather got really sick and we all needed more help since none of us live close to my grandparents, except for this one uncle. His wife is insane to the point where she screams at him for simply wanting to help out my grandmother and even throws things at him when he mentions visiting any one of us.
My grandfather has since passed away, and my uncle has become an a**oholic. I feel so bad for him, yet I don’t at the same time. He had so many chances to reach out to us. My advice to you is to talk to your brother. Get to him before it’s too late. He may be upset that you even bring it up, but it’s worth not losing him.
He’s going to regret missing all of the chances he had to see his family while he could. I’m sure your brother’s fiance is extremely m**ipulative and has some kind of hold on him, and he needs to step back for a moment and think of the consequences this kind of relationship can have. Best of luck, so sorry this is happening to your family.
VengeanceInMyHeart − I recommend you contact your local abuse network or abuse survivor support group – each county/municipal area has one though they are quickly losing services.
They will be able to furnish you with more information and on how to address this issue – whilst a confrontation or intervention may seem the best idea, it is not always the case for people in a**sive relationships and can serve to further isolate them from the one remaining lifeline that they have.
They will also be able to provide you with information on services he can access such as counselling or shelters, so that if you do talk to him about this, you can at least give him some options. In many a**sive relationships it can take years or even decades for the victim to reach the point at which they want to leave. Even then it can take many attempts to finally leave for good.
I counsel patience, research and understanding; despite this woman, you clearly love your brother. So let him know that you’ll always be there, ready and waiting for him when he finally has the courage to leave. Choosing not to close off communication doesn’t mean actively communicating, but it does mean allowing your brother to know you will pick up the phone for him if he needs you. Sadly, when it comes to people in a**sive relationships, all you can do is wait for them to make the choice.
TrashyFae − This is an a**sive relationship. Talk to him about it.
lumos_solem − She sounds horrible, but there is something else bothering me as well: why get engaged when you don’t want to get married?
kasey123 − This girl sounds exactly like my brothers ex. She isolated him, made up lies, faked pregnancies, threatened suicide….literally everything a**sive you can think of. We pleaded with him over and over to leave her and he kept going back.
I hate to say it but he had to make up his mind on it. We all told him she was bad, and he agreed. But he did not leave until he was ready. That’s unfortunately how it is. Just explain to your brother that you will always love him, but the way she is, is unacceptable. Leave it at that. Hopefully he will see it soon.
AllRedditIDsAreUsed − There’s a quiz on the Love Is Respect website about whether you’re in a healthy relationship. If you have a way to get it to him without her seeing, send it to him. Many in your brother’s situation find it eye-opening.
It’s up to you whether or not to keep the channels open. If you’re up to it, leave the lines open, make occasional contact, and let him know you’re always available to help him. (Susan Brewster refers to it as being an anchor.) Don’t bash her, but neutral observations about her behavior are okay. If you’re tapped out, then stop talking to them. But give yourself some time to think about it.
Family dynamics can be incredibly complex when one member is in an unhealthy relationship, especially when they feel trapped. The user’s frustration is understandable, as it’s painful to watch someone you love make decisions that harm them. What advice would you give to someone in this situation? How do you approach supporting a loved one who is in a controlling relationship while respecting their autonomy? Share your thoughts in the comments below.