What do you do when you (25F) hear a conversation you weren’t supposed to and your parents (60M, 57F) confirm one of your worst fears?

A 25-year-old woman overhears a painful conversation between her parents where they express disappointment in both her and her sister. The conversation reveals hurtful comments about their life choices and accomplishments, shattering her image of her parents as her greatest supporters. She feels sad and numb and is unsure how to move forward, whether to address it with her family, or how to process the emotional impact.

‘ What do you do when you (25F) hear a conversation you weren’t supposed to and your parents (60M, 57F) confirm one of your worst fears?’

To understand this I need to explain some background. I (25F) am the youngest of 3 and currently live at home. When I was 18 I moved out to go to college. After my first year I wanted to drop out because I felt as though I made a mistake in choosing the education path I did. After some convincing from my mother (57F) however I chose to finish my education and my final month of school fell on April of 2020. Needless to say not the best timing. After the hardest month of my life had passed I had my diploma but I was entirely wiped.

Slowly my career aspirations and most of my emotional bonds fell apart and by the end of the year I picked up a job at my mother’s workplace. I swore I’d have my life together by the end 2023 but that has come and gone and while I now have full time hours it’s not in the field I studied. My parents insisted that they were fine with this so long as I paid rent and worked on my next steps. I have held up my end of the financial side of things but I still have no clue what to do aspiration wise for my career.

Over then last year my older sister (29F) moved across the world for 10 months for a once in a lifetime career opportunity. I helped out more at home and things were peaceful, or so I thought. Once she returned home things have been more tense but I thought that would ease with time and we’d move forward as a family. After a fight the previous night between my sister and my mother I woke up this morning to hear my mother and father (60M) talking after my sister had left for work.

Initially they were speaking about something that I knew they’d be talking to me about later that day so I listened to have more information about that. Then the topic changed to my sister and I. My parents proceeded to talk extensively about how lazy my sister and I are. How pathetic it is that my sister cannot hold down a guy, move out and start a family.

How I am floundering, wasting space in their house and that my long term romantic relationship of 8 years with my partner (25NB) wouldn’t have survived if we had faced “real struggles”. The cherry on the cake being how they’d rather my eldest sister (33F) to still be living at home with them because she “actually pulled her weight and is much more pleasant than the other two”(mind you when she was living at home she was single and working part time and had more time to do things around the house and didn’t move out until after she turned 30).

I couldn’t listen to any more after that but I cannot unhear that conversation. My parents ACTUALLY think I’m a disappointment. Not just me but my sister too. They have always preached out entire lives how they don’t have a favorite child and that we are all loved unconditionally and I’ve never heard them speak like this before. After the initial shock I thought I would be angry but I just feel sad and numb.

I agree with them that I should’ve been doing more chores around the house ( I didn’t due to exhaustion from working full time, my only days off going to holiday gatherings and Christmas shopping and wrapping the past 5 weeks), however the things they said about my partner and my sister are beyond hurtful. My parents are my biggest inspirations and until this I thought they were my greatest supporters. How do I move forward from this?

I don’t think I should tell my sisters or my partner about this because I don’t want them to feel hurt but do they have a right to know? I am not currently in a financial position to move out so any advice besides that is appreciated. TLDR – I found out my parents actually think me and my sister are a disappointment and I have no idea how to move forward with this information.

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

Scrabblement −  Eavesdroppers rarely hear things they like. Your parents are humans who get tired, frustrated, and angry. They didn’t say these things to you, or to your sister; they were venting to each other. I would not take this to heart as meaning that they’re actually disappointed in you or don’t care about you. But what you probably should take away from this is that at 60 and 57, they are getting tired of having their adult kids living at home. Your parents are nearing retirement age. What is your plan over the next few years for getting into a position where you can live without their support?

cskynar −  When you get off of work after a long day do you stop at the market, buy ingredients for dinner and come home and cook for the family? Do you clean up the kitchen when not asked? To you clean the bathrooms? Wash the towels? Pay for windex and soap and shampoo? You are working and you are tired. They are still taking care of you after getting you through college. Try to have a day where you are only in service of your family and see how that feels. Adulting is hard and at 25 you need to learn to take care of yourself.

Massive_Ad_9919 −  ” I have no idea how to move forward with this information.” easy, prove them wrong.

Posterbomber −  I know you feel hurt and that’s okay, but use this as some motivation. You’re still living with these people with no end in sight as though they’re obligated to care for you. You, your partner and your sister need to go get a house together and start adulting.
Do you even own a spatula? At your age, a well stocked kitchen should feel exciting. That’s the point of what your parents are saying, that you guys aren’t experiencing the joys of being adults and their sad for it as well as sick of caring for you like you’re an aged out teenager.

RavenDorkholme −  You say they’ve confirmed your worst fear. That means that you know you’re not doing well. You have a partner and a sister who your parents also want to move. You can start making plans to move out together. Do you not want to live with your partner of 8 years?

If you can get excited about this, good things might follow. You sound like you’re experiencing at least some kind of depression, based on your lack of energy and interest in building a life of your own. Are you in treatment for that? Speak to a doctor and see if you can get some support, and then make some plans.

BraveWarrior-55 −  The biggest takeaway here for me was hearing you say you didn’t step up with chores because “I didn’t due to exhaustion from working full time.” You are 25 years old! I can’t even imagine what kind of job you have that exhausts you so on a regular basis, but it sounds like you need to see a doctor.

I have worked jobs running a chain saw all day, building trails in the mountains carrying very heavy tools along with a backpack, and some that are more emotionally taxing, but was always still able to make dinner, do laundry etc. Are you taking advantage of not having to care for your home because it is not actually yours? Your parents did not intend for you to hear them so you cannot hold anything they said against them since they were venting. That you overheard and are shocked is a critical heads up that you have to step up and grow up.

Do what you need to do to get back into your field. Go back to school if needed. Find a small apt or a room to rent that you can afford. Do something other than stagnating at home as if you were still a teenager. You can do it. Good luck. I would also rethink your 8 year relationship. Couples should help each other achieve goals and urge each other on. You have been with this person since high school and nothing has come of it (you two don’t even have a place!) Maybe you need someone to lift you up and push you, not enable you?

shurker_lurker −  No they don’t have a right to know, are you crazy? They don’t want you doing “chores”, they want you to get a life. It’s bananas to me that parents can bust their asses for 30+ years, trying to do and say everything right, and have it undone because their adult child is eavesdropping. I do have a favorite child, but I plan to take it to my grave, what would the purpose be for telling that to my children that I would die for? I suspect your parents eventually want to walk around n**ed together, not tippytoe around their own house forever.

Charloxaphian −  You say you’re not in a financial position to move out on your own – which I can understand in this economy – but also that you’re in a serious relationship of 8 years. Are you and your partner not interested in or able to move in together? If you’re both working full-time jobs that pay more than minimum wage, it’s unlikely that you wouldn’t be able to afford at least a simple 1-bedroom apartment.

revenya_1 −  ESH – OP if you are exhausted  from a standard 40 Hour week then you have bigger  problems a health issue or depression that you should address now.. Not all of us do what we studied, a lot of people and up doing jobs they don’t love; i do a job coz it pays well and the team are nice but the job itself hard no.  Stop being self indulgent get out and try some stuff go to community college do some short courses volunteer to find that spark. Or just accept what you have, try and get promoted or move to a different company and find joy in other parts of your life.

FairyCompetent −  You eavesdropped on a private conversation and got what snoops often get- more than they bargained for. Your parents do love you, or they wouldn’t still be supporting you. Them feeling disappointed in your current position isn’t a sign that they don’t love you, it’s a sign that you need to take some concrete steps to stop coasting and start living. Your parents should not have to endure arguments in their home with their adult children. They should be done raising and housing their kids and they deserve to be enjoying their later years alone together. Your parents are people, they are allowed to have desires beyond your personal comfort and happiness.