We (26F/29M) are visiting his mother for Christmas. Last time we saw her, there was a MASSIVE argument.

A Reddit user (26F) shares the emotional turmoil she’s experiencing in her relationship with her boyfriend (29M) and his mother. After a tense incident involving her prized plant during a move, the user feels disrespected and humiliated by her boyfriend’s mother, leading to a deep rift in their relationship. Despite apologizing multiple times, the user’s attempts to mend the situation are met with further berating.

Now, as they prepare to visit his mother for Christmas, the user is filled with anxiety, fearing that the ongoing tension will end her relationship and leave her feeling stranded. Read the original story below to discover the full details and how she plans to navigate the upcoming holiday visit.

‘ We (26F/29M) are visiting his mother for Christmas. Last time we saw her, there was a MASSIVE argument.’

I 26F have been dating Danny 29M for almost a year.  We moved to another city together a month ago so Danny could pursue an education to advance further in his career field.

I grew up in a big family.  Five siblings, thirteen nieces and nephews, lots and lots of cousins.  There’s bickering, lots of poking fun at each other, shouting over screaming babies to be heard.  Sometimes a totally normal conversation between a sibling and I comes off as fighting words to people who have not been around my family.

My boyfriend has remarked that a regular conversation between my mother and I was coming off as aggressive.  It cannot be a coincidence that multiple people have said so, so I realize that we must be reasonably perceived as aggressive in tone. He is an only child to a single mother (50F), twice divorced.
His mother helped us move.

It was a stressful move and we were running very behind.  We moved at the beginning of December in an extremely cold climate. I really love plants and always have.  I spend a lot of time taking care of my plant collection.  I kept a garden for many years and it was my pride and joy.  My prized possession is a giant monstera that I brought back to life after finding it wilting and pest infested some years ago.

His mom picked up my monstera and was stepping out the door with it into sub freezing temperatures.  I shouted “NO NO NO!”  and quickly ran to find some sort of plastic covering for it so it wouldn’t immediately die from the cold shock.  I covered the plants and explained that they’ll die from the cold.  We continued packing.

On the drive up there, I was reflecting back on that interaction and realized it probably came off like I was angry and I snapped at her.  I wasn’t angry at all, I just REALLY did not want my plant to die and my voice was louder than I had intended it to be.  My voice was also deeper than it normally is because I was on the first day of being sick (yay, sick while moving).

I mentioned this to my partner and made a mental note to apologize to his mother later after things had gotten settled. We drove for 12 hours.  We got to our new apartment late at night and spent a lot of time hauling boxes up the stairs.  I felt like s**t but I was trying hard to keep a good attitude despite being sick.

After the last of the boxes was brought in I started putting some things away and making the beds.  That’s when his mother confronted me. She was really angry with me.  She said I totally overreacted and it was “just a g**damn plant” and she “thought it was something important”.  She thought I wanted to fight her?

I immediately apologized, explained that I was not angry with her at all, and I was unhappy to hear that she stewed on this for 12 hours.  I hadn’t realized it was that big of a reaction and that wasn’t my intention.  She demanded to know if I would ever “throw such a tantrum” to my own mother.  I was sort of surprised by this question because, well… I interact with my mother like that all the time.

I gave an honest reply that yes, I do speak to my mother that way, but that’s normal for my family.  While I realize that’s normal for my family, I also realize it comes off as aggressive to other people and I never want to make other people uncomfortable.  I apologized again.

She was NOT having it.  She kept repeating how it’s “just a plant” and thought it was “something actually important” and she likes my relationship with Danny and it “sure would be a shame if that changed”.  It honestly felt like she was berating me?  And low-key threatening me…? I kept apologizing and it felt like it wasn’t good enough for her.  I eventually asked if she forgave me and she said she did.  That was the end of the conversation.

That night it kept bothering me.  A lot.  It felt like she was not interested in my apology.  It felt like she wanted a pound of flesh with it.  My parter asked if I was okay and I answered honestly.  No, I felt disrespected and humiliated.  I tried to get some sleep but couldn’t.

My cat was very vocal about how upset she was over the move and I finally just locked myself in the bathroom with my cat and slept on the floor with her.  She stopped meowing around 4am.  I came to the decision that I did not want to address the conversation with his mother, I just wanted to leave it alone and I can deal with my own feelings privately.  There’s no need to have my own say, no matter how much I disliked the way she handled it.

I woke up the next morning feeling sore, sick, and extremely tired.  I went out into the kitchen to start unpacking boxes.  His mother was in the kitchen.  I said good morning.  She said “Danny says you aren’t over last night.”. Great.

I carefully said that I don’t think we should talk about it right now, that I’m very tired and feeling unwell, and I didn’t want to say something I don’t mean.  She asked what that’s supposed to mean.  I reiterated that I was feeling unwell and didn’t want to talk about it.  She almost let it go. “Well Danny is really upset so I think we should talk about it.”

My first mistake was letting that slide.  My second mistake was relenting to it.  Danny then walks in. I start by saying that it wasn’t “just a plant”, it was very important to me and I felt like she wasn’t respecting my belongings.  She blew. The. F**k. Up.

She starts berating me again, caricaturing my reaction to the plant, and repeating herself over and over and over again.  I start crying.  She keeps talking over me.  Danny says absolutely nothing, won’t look at me, and keeps staring at the floor.

Important note: I do NOT cry in front of other people.  I have cried in front of Danny only one other time when my brand new car broke down and I didn’t have the money to fix it.  He knows I don’t cry in front of other people.

I excuse myself and say I need a break.  She scoffs and looks at Danny like I’m being ridiculous.  I leave the apartment and spend some time sobbing on the sidewalk.  I call my mom and she calms me down.

My mom tells me that I should not talk to Danny’s mother again, there’s nothing I can say that would make the situation better, and I should probably get some sleep to ward off the sickness and exhaustion. I find Danny and let him know I’m going to get some rest.

I slept round the clock, waking up crying intermittently and taking more cold medicine.  I don’t hear a word from Danny.  His mother leaves the next day. We spend the entire next week in a deep depression and a state of high anxiety.  The apartment feels… not good.  I feel like I can no longer trust Danny to protect me or have my back.

This is the first time I’ve moved away from home.  I don’t have a car.  I don’t have a job.  My support system is 12 hours away.  I’m extremely vulnerable and f**king terrified. Things have gotten a little better since then between Danny and I.  I am trying very hard to let my guard down and let Danny in emotionally.

I stay at home every day and unpack, clean the apartment, apply for jobs, visit the gym, and make all of Danny’s meals.  I don’t know what else I would do anyways.  We live several miles away from town.  I’m trying to not let the depression take over.

We are going back home to visit my parents and his mother for Christmas.  I am EXTREMELY NERVOUS as to how this will go.  If his mother berates me again and he says nothing, I don’t think I can continue being in this relationship.  What if I have to break the year-long lease I just signed?

How would I even get back home?  Do I just pack up a few boxes and my cat, leaving everything else I own behind?  Do I move back in with my parents?  Do I just let her chew me out again and take it? F**k.

Am I totally out of line here?  I want nothing to do with her. I have this horrible sinking feeling that spending three days with her is going to be the end of our relationship and I will have nowhere to go.  We leave tomorrow morning and I feel sick just thinking about it.  How should I handle this?

Check out how the community responded:

shadowinglemma −  I think you should not go visit his mother – let him go see her on his own. I don’t know if your relationship is salvageable or not, but you have to take care of yourself right now because you can’t trust Danny to do it.

It might be easier to figure out the logistics of what happens next once the pressure of the holiday season is past. I think some time with your family without Danny around would be helpful for you, too. 

1568314 −  If I’m understanding correctly, Danny told his mom you were still upset, but he didn’t tell her what disrespectful j**k she was being by dimiyour feelings about the plant and berating you about something you had already apologized for?

And then he stood there quietly while she continued to mock you for caring about something until you cried. And you did everything you could to make him comfortable while he…. ….. ???? Still did *nothing* to make you feel validated, secure, part of a partnership?

One of the biggest reasons why moving in with someone quickly is a bad idea is that soooo many relationships are perfectly magical when you haven’t run into any *real* conflict yet. The stress of moving, the way his mother treated you- those difficult situations are where you see who your bf really is.

Anyone can be caring and supportive when it’s only words and gestures that don’t require sacrifice. When people have to make choices- like whether to stand up to mommy or let her emotionally punch you, those choices reveal their real priorities and ideals.

Your mom is right. You should **not** put yourself in a position where you’re going to be talked down to and insulted because you misspoke and raised your voice in a moment of crisis, especially when you already recognized your mistake and apologized. I’d honestly just not go back and stay with your mom. She sounds great.

Impossible_Balance11 −  Yelling at someone to keep them from stepping in front of a bus is acceptable. Yelling, in the moment, to keep your BF’s mom from killing your beloved plant is understandable. (I’m aware plants aren’t people; don’t @ me.) You apologized repeatedly for yelling at his mom, but she isn’t having it and seems bent on breaking you two up.

The real problem is how your BF just shut down, wouldn’t handle it. If he can’t see that his mother is way overreacting, won’t have your back, then he’s not the life partner for you, whatever his other good qualities. I’m so sorry.

HatsAndTopcoats −  You’ve seen who his mother really is (a scary b**ly), and you’ve seen how Danny expects to handle it (ignore it and let you get abused). My advice is to be very clear to Danny that that’s not something you’re going to accept in your life, and if he shows you that that’s all he’s offering you, be prepared to move on from this.

morbidlonging −  WHY are you even going? Don’t go girl. Tell Danny you’re not going because you don’t feel comfortable and let him lie about it to them. Life is too short to waste holidays being so anxious you can’t sleep or eat. I used to do this for my husband’s family but no more. My holidays have vastly improved so has my mental health around this time because I have nothing to feel dread or anxiety over! 

beagoodbear −  You’re not out of line, it sounds like she’s taking what you said in bad faith. You tried to help her understand where you were coming from and apologized for your tone (something I struggle with, I feel you dude) You did the adult, mature things you needed to do in light of the misunderstanding and she chose to remain mad about it.

All of this said, I think you should sit with your feelings regarding your partner’s (lacking) defense of you. Is this the first time he’s been caught between you and his mom? *In my experience, the first “incident” like this doesn’t always get handled perfectly, but the subsequent ones will sort of show you what you can expect in the future.*

Not to cut him slack, but this may be a situation where I you have to sit him down and explain to him exactly what you’re feeling, what his mom said to you when he wasn’t around, and how his actions impacted you here. The way he receives that info and puts it into action will tell you everything you need to know.

I know confrontation is scary, especially with someone you love. But don’t stew in this alone, doing that will almost certainly cause a repeat of this messy situation. As far as Christmas goes …try to play nice, but pay attention to how your bf acts. (Personally though, I would skip it)

I think you’re better off just getting through the holidays and waiting until you’re back home to figure out what happens next. I’m sorry you have to spend your holiday with her though, she sounds awful 

IOinterests −  This might be an overreaction but in my experience, if a partner stays silent while you’re being mistreated, that’s a really hard hill to overcome later in life. It sounds like you’ve moved for Danny and are restarting in a new place, away from your own support system. This means its even more critical that he steps up.

His mother is out of line in every way and honestly, the fact that she was able to treat you so badly so many times in a row is enough for me. I wouldn’t allow that energy or mistreatment in my life any longer and frankly, this would make me really reconsider my future with my partner, too. (also as a fellow plant mom, I hope your plants are doing ok with the move <3)

FRANPW1 −  INFO: Why would you move to a place out of town, with no car, no job, no friends or family and with a man you are not married to or engaged and dating for less than a year? I ask this because when you are completely stuck with no money or protection, you are vulnerable to people treating you poorly. Plus, they realize there is nothing you can do about it.

Highly suggest that you get one of your many relatives to get out there with a moving truck and help you move back home. You need to concentrate on your career. He can go to school on his own. Let his mother take care of him.

And please don’t tell me you co-signed a lease with a man and no job…if so, beg the landlord to let you get out of it. If you stay, you will just be the doormat, abused bang-maid. Good luck to you.

snorkels00 −  You should prep Danny. Danny was raised by this n**cissist and she trained him to not stand up to her b**lying. She showed you the only opinions that matter to her are hers. You need to tell Damny if he doesn’t get a backbone he will lose you. Your intimate partner does not choose his family of origin over his chosen family…..at least not in a healthy dynamic.

Out of all your siblings and cousins you don’t have anyone with a truck. What a huge clan like that call on the clan to come move you back home if needed. You are lucky you have a clan. Use that to your advantage. Use the telephone tree and get them a up to your new place and help you pack and move back….if things come to it.

In the meantime you and Danny should talk about what he should ha6done and what he will do going forward. If he doesn’t then you knhe isn’t for you. He doesn’t have the courage to stand up to his mom.

His mom absolutely bullied you and was overly aggressive herself. You come from a different family culture where loud (Itlalians, Russian, etc.) is the norm, other cultures like the WASP culture believe raising your voice is the greatest sin ever.

You and Danny need to talk about what a healthy normal relationship would look like for you both. Being loud is not necessarily a problem unless someone said please lower your voice it’s hurting my ears. You have a combination of things going on. It’ll take time to unpack it all but the forefront and immediate issue is if his mom b**ly’s you again. Feel free to leave. Take the car and leave him at his mom’s house especially if he doesn’t stop her abuse.

daric −  I just wanted to reflect that the conflict is about something that you think is a big deal (your monstera) and your reaction that you didn’t mean as a big deal, and the mother is ridiculing you for the plant not being a big deal, while making a big deal out of essentially nothing.

This is more than just a plant, or even your reactions, it is about trying to dominate your entire reality, to impose the things that are and aren’t important to her over the things that are and aren’t important to you. Is this how you want to exist?

I know it’s so hard but the way out seems healthier than staying in. It’s a lot of logistics and also emotional work, but thinking in the long run, it is better than saving a little energy by staying while devastating your long term mental and emotional health.

Do you think the Reddit user’s concerns about her boyfriend’s lack of support are valid, or is she overreacting to the situation with his mother? How would you handle such a delicate situation where both family dynamics and personal boundaries are at stake? Share your thoughts in the comments below!