Was I really out of line asking this?

A Reddit user shares a deeply personal account of conflict with their long-term partner after suggesting inviting her ex, the father of her daughters, to Christmas dinner. Her intentions were to bring her family together, but her boyfriend’s extreme reaction has left her questioning if her request was out of line. Read the full story below.

‘ Was I really out of line asking this? ‘

My boyfriend [M44] and | [F45] have been together for 11 years and have a 8yr old son. I have 3 older daughters (26,21,19) from a previous relationship with my ex. My boytriend doesn’t like my daughter’s father but is tolerant and cordial when there is events that we all have to attend for the girls. Every holiday my kids are divided on where to go.

My D21 hasn’t spent a Christmas Day with us in 6 years because she doesn’t want I leave her dad alone. Recently my D21 has been going through a breakup and hard time she expressed to me that she really wants to be with everyone on the holiday but doesn’t want to leave her dad alone so how would we feel about inviting him over for Christmas Dinner.

I told her I’d think about how I feel about it and talk to my BF and let her know. I asked my BF how he would feel setting how we both feel about the guy aside for one day so the kids and all be together and I can spend a Christmas with all my kids.

He immediately flew off the handle saying “how dare you ask me that” ,”you have your nerve asking to bring another man in the house around our son”,”your just trying to take my manhood away”, “you think I have no balls”, “maybe you should just go be with him”,

“maybe my son and I should leave on Christmas and you guys can all spend it together”,  “| don’t want some fat ass over here eating our food”, “you guys have no respect for me asking me this”. Just for perspective we have other family members over on Christmas so it’s not just us.

The conversation / one sided yelling match didn’t go so well and now he’s sending me text messages he’s going to be moving out so I need to come up with a custody agreement for our son and get the car out his name asap. It’s exhausting being with someone so immature and insecure. I feel like everything always has to be so complicated.

There is always divide for my kids and that’s how it’s been the last 11 years. I didn’t think asking if we could set things aside and spend 1 dinner together to make the kids happy and myself so I could spend the first Christmas in 6 years with all my daughters was so much to as for too much was it?.

See what others had to share with OP:

angel_inthe_fire −  Your “man” doesn’t understand how co-parenting works after all these years? He wants to be a man, but he screams insecure. Protect your kids, not your relationship.

swarleyknope −  Come on. You know the answer to this. Your boyfriend’s reaction is completely unhinged. There was nothing wrong with you *asking*. And even if his answer was “no”, there’s a way more appropriate way for him to express that.

All of the things he’s said are reflections on how he feels about it but he’s projecting them onto you and accusing you of having that mindset. If he hasn’t shown this side of him in other aspects of your life before, I’d wonder if there is another reason he is unhappy in the relationship and if he’s just looking for an out.

I also would have **strong** reservations about having a man with that mindset influencing my son’s beliefs about ways partners show respect to each other & what masculinity means in general.

His lack of empathy towards both your daughter & your ex is really shameful too. It’s one thing if he’s too insecure to feel comfortable having your ex as a guest (which is still cringey & small); but to act offended by you trying to make the holiday easier on your daughter is messed up.

calliopesgarden −  No, you were not out of line and I can only imagine how else his crappy, toxic views about “manhood” affect your relationship. It’s pathetic that he wouldn’t even consider having their dad over so you can be with all of your children on Christmas.

wemblewobble −  When drawing up the custody agreement, do year on and year off for Xmas and new years. So this year you keep son for Xmas, dad gets him for new years. Switch the next year. You should also start talking about child  support and special expenses.

fiery_valkyrie −  This is a massive overreaction to the question. Is he normally like this? Edit: looked at your post history. Yeah, he’s an a**hole. I also don’t believe his threat to move out for one second, considering how much he financially abuses you. Don’t forget, custody agreement also means child support payments.

herdcatsforaliving −  He sounds like a complete and total piece of s**t. Why do you even want to stay with him!??!?

OkSecretary1231 −  I couldn’t be with a “MAH MANHOOOOD” guy who thinks everything he doesn’t like is disrespect to his holy penis.

Suzeli55 −  He’s going to be moving out. Excellent. He’s sparing you from having to tell him. Plan a custody agreement asap.

Opening_Track_1227 −  I would contact a lawyer to help with the custody agreement, I would call whomever financed your car to get the car out of his name and then I would tell him that he needs to call Tyrone to help him come get his stuff. It’s been time to end this, OP. You deserve better.

thiscouldbemassive −  Well I can see why you never married him. What an a**hole. For a guy to be this insecure, I’d wonder if he’s been cheating on you.

If he moves out to some other woman’s apartment, you’ll have your answer. Let him move out. Have a nice Christmas with your entire family. The lawyers can bash out a custody agreement and child support in the new year.

Was this Redditor’s suggestion of prioritizing her daughters’ happiness over lingering animosity unreasonable? Or was her boyfriend’s reaction disproportionate? How would you navigate such a delicate family dynamic? Share your insights below!