[Update]Friend [37/F] is about to be turned-down for a promotion she has dreamed of for years. I [36/F] know it’s coming and don’t know how to support her or what to do.
A Reddit user updates the community on her friend, Tina, who is struggling after being passed over for a promotion she had dreamed of for years. The position was given to another candidate with impressive credentials, and Tina’s resentment has grown as the new hire has quickly gained favor with the team.
While Tina’s grudge against the new guy worsens, it’s starting to affect her relationships with coworkers, and her behavior is causing concern that she may be fired. The user is unsure how to support Tina without enabling her destructive attitude. Read the full story below.
‘ [Update]Friend [37/F] is about to be turned-down for a promotion she has dreamed of for years. I [36/F] know it’s coming and don’t know how to support her or what to do.’
Lordy. Where do I begin. I need more help. The guy they wanted took the job – way more than they initially wanted to spend. My friend was devastated. I followed the advice here and told her she did a great job and how proud I was of her, but the other guy did an amazing job and I didn’t know what would happen.
She was confident that she was going to win – she had more experience with the company vs. his experience & education. At 4:55 she got a call thanking her but that they went in a different direction. HR offered to meet to discuss how she could improve and to stabilize working relations with the new guy.
Shortly there after it was announced company-wide he had agreed to take the job and they were thrilled. She took the following couple of days off and didn’t respond to text or email. She just completely took some time away (fair enough). She returned mid-next week and found-out that he wasn’t going to start until a couple of weeks later and that she had time.
Then a company-wide email went out announcing that not only had he finished the final requirements for his MBA and took first place in his final case competition beating every other school in the country but that he was starting sooner than anticipated. A lot of emphasis was placed on his Ivy League education, which really irked Tina..
He would come in occasionally (before his start date) to meet with senior executives and his team members and pushed them to get unvarnished thoughts – a lot of them really complained about working conditions on the team and major obstacles they faced. A few really told him the unvarnished truth..
His start date rolled around there after, and the hype was real. He hit the ground running and his first week was incredibly busy. On day one he held an open meeting where he came in and immediately banned weekend emails (some teams were expected to check/respond to emails 7 days a week), gave staff commensurate working hours to the rest of the company (we never got summer hours or flex time, which he immediately changed) and followed-up on promises made by previous staff.
He rolled out new processes, budget models and is a far more effective at advocate for the team – so much so that all the old time staff have become his “followers”. A lot of people were worried about being fired (performance had been way down) but we’re already seeing a glimmer of hope – the cuts he made preserved his staff, meaning they have a little less cash to spend but a lot more bodies doing the work.
All told, they’re better off now ( three weeks in) than we were this time last year. The staff love him, he’s very approachable, informal and because of his connections to senior leaders in other departments, that team gets a lot more attention than we used to. Our old boss was sweet and kind, but she was incredibly ineffective. I’m considering transferring back into that unit because the working environment is better than where we are..
The problem has become Tina. She’s tried to question his leadership, she’s openly annoyed with colleagues and feels like she’s the only person who doesn’t “see” the truth. The value in the new guy is his ability to change – our teams work in close collaboration and their team is a lot more productive now than before and are getting better quality work done – they’ve started conversations with old clients and the business funnel has grown.
VPs openly comment that he’ll be moved up in short order. Yet, Tina holds are horrible grudge. It’s obvious with how she interacts with staff and colleagues; she complains when he’s not in the office and complains when he is in the office. I know of a least a few people who are growing weary of this and two have asked me to say something to Tina (since we’re friends). Another threatened to go to HR.
For all his connections and Ivy League education, the guy is also a really strong performer. He has an activity board up showing process and change and people feel less dour, except Tina. She’s complaining non-stop. It’s impacted our relationship to the point where I’ve been avoiding her.
It’s been two months since she found out and three weeks since he started, and I feel like “enough is enough” that said, she’s a single mom and I don’t want to see her fired for being silly. I’m really not good with confronting people, I don’t know what I should say.
tl;dr the new guy started and the hype was real. he’s been great but Tina took r**ection so badly that I’m worried she’s going to be fired. I’m not sure how to handle this. She’s going to get fired if she doesn’t stop complaining and people want me to speak with her.
Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:
birdmommy − Tina’s only hurting herself in the long run. When this guy moves up in the organization, Tina’s the next logical candidate for his current role – as long as she quits acting so unprofessionally. I’m not saying she has to become the guy’s biggest fan; just quit moaning and whining.
The way Tina behaves now is what upper management will think of when they’re looking at her for other roles. If she can show that she can be professional with someone she doesn’t like, she’s laying the groundwork to show she can be a good team leader in the future.
Celera314 − I have seen plenty of people react poorly to a disappointment in their career, and this bad behavior put them permanently out of the running for future opportunities.
As a friend, you could say to Tina, preferably with respect to a specific behavior, “I understand your are disappointed, but complaints like this are going to give people a negative impression of you.” You can also try to set limits on how much complaining you’re willing to listen to during your non-work time, but the more urgent problem, it seems to me, is to keep her from losing her job over this.
Really, her supervisor or manager should be the one talking to her about this. If they are thinking of firing her then they should be talking to her about the problem and giving her a chance to get it together.
EvyEarthling − Dang, yo. He banned weekend emails AND found a way to prevent layoffs? I like this guy. I’m sorry I don’t have much more advice to offer. Regardless of Tina leaving or staying, at least you have a good boss in the mix.
SquirrelweatherO_o − Tina needs to get on board or she needs to be let go. The only thing she is doing is setting herself up to never be promoted or fired.
archandrea − This guy sounds like a human rocket – we had one of those become director of our department once. He was fantastic – and he bounced out of the position less than two years later to become a VP elsewhere. Happily he had laid down a lot of great groundwork; years later we’re still better off than we were before he came around. If “Tina” gets on board maybe she could be the one to take over when he moves on (as others here are also saying).
What she does with this moving forward is everything. The hire was a professional choice, not a personal one. When someone feels like they did their best and it wasn’t enough, the sting IS brutal, but if they can try to see it as a chance to learn and improve and kill it (or something else) next time around.. it may help. Maybe.. It’s hard fitting into the world sometimes. I really hope Tina is able to find a way to work with this setback instead of against it.
LaserPunchMonkey − Honestly, it isn’t your responsibility. Either speaking to her *or* protecting her from the consequences of her actions. I know you’re worried about the whole “single mom” thing, but in the end it has nothing to do with you— and it’s not like Tina is unemployable otherwise, she’ll find other work.
The reality is, she probably is going to be fired. And going by how she’s acted up until this point, it’s probably going to be a messy and dramatic affair. Why take on that extra stress into yourself?
[Reddit User] − Frankly, I’m not really sure why I get all the hate on this guy from Tina’s end. Yes, he’s benefitted from a ton of privilege that Tina hasn’t–but he’s also the best choice for the job. Why don’t you go to Tina and say “hi there Tina, I’m really sorry to see that things didn’t work out. I know you hate hearing about his Princeton MBA.
But listen, other people can tell you’re clearly annoyed at him, and it’s hurting your standing at the firm. This really sucks, but do you think you could try to cool it and cultivate a better working relationship with him?”
I get that this sucks for Tina, but it almost sounds like the firing will be well deserved: part of professionalism is dealing with crap like this without throwing a fit and holding grudges. If Tina is really upset, she should get a job somewhere else and quit.
birdsandbones − OP, I remember your previous post and hoo boy, do I feel for both you and Tina. It’s really hard in this situation. I understand her feelings completely, especially if some of the reasons she wasn’t picked for the job had to do with lack of training in ways and opportunities she didn’t have, like schooling.
That being said. Companies and jobs are there to profit, and this guy sounds like a scoop for your company. It also sounds like they offered to support Tina by providing her feedback on ways to improve. As other posters have said, Tina was considered for the promotion and could at some point move up when this guy does. But not if she stays bitter and at odds with the team.
Could you take her out for a happy hour drink? Let her rant for a bit and then give her some tough love. “Tina, you’re an incredible woman who has been through so much and you have so many valuable skills. But you’re really hurting your prospects at the company by badmouthing A.
He’s been great for the team. Him getting the job over you wasn’t personal for him, and blaming him isn’t going to get you anywhere. I suggest at the least, keeping your frustration to yourself or at best, working through it, and demonstrating maturity and cooperation by learning from his techniques.”
[Reddit User] − Everyone pay attention…….Don’t be a Tina, Tina will be fired because she didn’t get her way. Obviously, HR saw something in this guy that they liked and went after. Promotions based on education alone make very poor leaders statistically. I am an HR Manager, and when I hire people, a hire a personality, not a diploma. I look for so many different qualities.
Many Tina’s in the world today. Maybe she should self reflect and evaluate herself. Work with HR, see where she could improve. It seems to me though, she has already made a scene. She should probably look for another job. I will fire someone extremely quick for toxic behavior.
kolpihta − I remember your post. I actually really feel for Tina although she is kinda a**hole. I applied for this job, didn’t got it but now I’m going to work for the summer in the same place lol. I have to admit, after reading this post I’m scared I won’t be able to act naturally around the person who was chosen.
But yeah, I can see why Tina is bitter. But for her own sake, she should get over it. There’s not much you can do. You can always have a conservation with her how she’s hurting herself and her career with her behaviour, but it’s up to her to change her it.
It’s tough when a friend’s struggles at work start affecting your own relationships, especially when you feel caught between loyalty and realism. Have you ever had to confront a friend about their negative behavior at work? How did you approach the situation, and how did they respond? Share your advice in the comments.