Update: WIBTAH if I left my fiancee destitute?

A Reddit user returns to update readers on his difficult decision after overhearing his fiancée admit she was “settling” for him. Following their emotional conversation, he decided to end the engagement. He reflects on their differing views of love and relationships and shares his thoughts on the concept of “settling” and prenups. Read the full update below.

‘ Update: WIBTAH if I left my fiancee destitute?’

Hi, everyone. Thank you to everyone for your advise and kind words. Here is the update. I talked to J. I told her how I overheard her talking. How she is settling for me. I told her how that felt and what kind of mood I was in after. She had tears rolling down her face as I was telling her how I felt. She didn’t say anything for a bit. Then she just said, I’m sorry.

It was true when we started dating. She just heard from \[mutual friend\] that I was great and she thought she’d give me a chance. She said, in the beginning it was about feeling safe, and feeling like she could be supported and loved. In the beginning, it was just being with someone who had their s**t together and would be good for her. Eventually, she fell in love. She loved me dearly.

This didn’t make me feel better. I then told her about the text messages. This is when she got angry. I was an a**hole for going though her messages. Violation of privacy. Betrayal of trust. How dare I? I didn’t set out to get her password. She’s just extremely careless with it. She hits ‘remember password’ on everything. When she types it out, she hits ‘show password first.’

If you happened to be glancing at the screen you’d know what it was. That’s how I found out. I’ve never thought to use it until that day. Eventually, after going on about reading her messages she stopped and was sobbing for a minute. Finally she just goes, what do you want me to say? “I can’t help how I feel.” I wasn’t the type she’d go for before.

She’s still attracted to those types of guys. She’s just older now, and knows better. That’s why she’s settled with me. She loves me and wants to spend the rest of her life with me. That doesn’t work for me. I told her, we had different ideas about what a relationship, especially marriage were. The trust is broken for both of us.

I went though her messages, she settled for me even though I’m not her type. This is where we go our separate ways. We agreed eventually that she stay with one of her friends. I’ll move all her stuff to the spare bedroom. When she finds a place, I’ll help her move. She can keep the car. I was just being an a**hole about leaving her destitute.

She was crying from the moment we started talking to the moment we went into separate rooms. It wasn’t easy seeing her like that. I wanted to go to her and hold her, but it had to be done. When I closed the door to my room, that’s when all the emotions washed over me.

I was bawling the whole time. The sheets still smelled like her and I either couldn’t or didn’t want to change them just then. I feel s**tty and I won’t be ok for a while. But I am pretty certain I did the right thing. I read a lot of comments on the old post, and it shocked me, truly I was a little taken a back with how many comments I saw from women that they did the same thing.

They settled for their current SO after going though a bunch of guys that was more their type. To me that’s…super fucked? Like if your partner knows and you’re both cool with it, fine I guess, live your life. But to me that’s gross. If you settle with your SO for safety, comfort, financial calculus that’s what an arranged marriage is?

You want the benefits of an arranged marriage without any of the obligations of one. If you can pull it off more power to you, but that’s not something that interests me at all. I also read a whole bunch of get an ironclad prenup. I understand the thinking, but I don’t want to do that.

Maybe I’m to quixotic and old-fashioned, but starting a life long commitment with a plan on how to end it doesn’t seem right. I guess it’s something I’ll have to pay attention to more going forward. Thank you again everyone. If there are any updates to be had, I’ll post again. But that’s it.

See what others had to share with OP:

False_Risk296 −  You co-signed for the car so your name is still on it. If you let her keep the car and she causes a really bad accident that is over insurance limits, you might get sued. That will put your home and businesses at risk.

Regular-Switch454 −  Can she afford to keep the car?

HygorBohmHubner −  You do realize that if SHE keeps the car, YOU will still be paying for it, right? Unless you sign it over to her, which I think she won’t accept… Dude, keep your s**t and grow a backbone. Stop making her life easier and yours harder.

rosetravel −  I think it might be worth mentioning that I think often “settling” and “deprogramming” get conflated in these situations. Look, I get that everyone thinks taste is some kind of fingerprint deeply unique to the individual, but it’s simply not true. Taste is influenced by society, friends and family.

Sure, you can grow up not like I certain foods your family does like. But largely, your food interests are influenced by what you are even exposed to. Same with things like music. Society and what’s cool often plays a factor. Or how you want to relate to society and what is cool is a factor.

Just look at all these guys on tiktok finally discovering they like Taylor swift after their buddy shows them their music. Think of all the times they probably heard that from women in their life before that. If taste wasn’t influenced by society and the people around us, why would it matter who told them to listen to Taylor’s music?

This is really all to say that I think a lot of women grow up programmed to have a certain “taste” in men from society and the people around them. That they need someone volatile, hot, or dangerous to validate their worth. But as women grow up, they realize it’s not true. That they want something different. They want to be loved and respected.

They want to feel calm and safe more often they chaotic and stressed. They want to care for someone who makes them feel cared for. They have all this love to invest in someone, they want someone worthy to them, not based on stupid s**t they learned on teen soap opera’s growing up lol.

And so women will say things like, “you weren’t my usual type” but really they mean, “Oh hadn’t questioned yet what I actually wanted and needed, I was being fed this from society and the people around me.” Idk, in your situation it does sound like you were providing for her quite a bit and so it really is YOU who would would know if it’s what I mentioned above or more like she’s using you. But thought I’d offer this as an alternative.. Edit:some grammar

Edit (putting this here because it’s come up in various ways in the replies but just wanted to respond to all here): many people in the replies discussing the usage of the word “settling” and others bringing up the difference between “settling” and “settling down.”

I find this super interesting because on the nose, I agree with the premise, that, one has a worse connotation than the other. But the more I thought about it, the more that I do think that it’s true, they have different connotations, they **actually** mean similar things. Deciding as you mature you want to seek out and prioritize different things in a partner.

However “settling down” is more often ascribed to men as a positive quality while settling is more often directed at women and is inherently seen as negative. And yet, they are foundationally the same premise. Idk, I haven’t thought this one all the way through but it is making the wheels turn lol.

Because while I say all this, if someone said they were settling for me as opposed to really mean “settling down” with me, my feelings would be hurt! Lol, so I feel the difference in meaning but I do think it’s worth questioning!

I would also like to add that I feel like many people in the comments jump from “he has a good job” to gold digger and I don’t think that’s fair. As I’ve stated (and other people in the replies) context matters and often having a job isn’t about money is about reliability and a proven ability to improve at things over time. It really would depend exactly what the fiancé said and how she said it, I really think it’s that nuanced.

TrafficSharp3425 −  Why is she destitute, though? She’s been perfectly capable of working and saving, but she chose not to. Because she had you. Because she was using you. You are not responsible for her situation. She is. She took advantage of you. You were not her partner, you were her patron.

Straysmom −  Don’t let her have the car. She doesn’t deserve that very expensive car after the way she used you. Buy her a beater if you don’t want to leave her without a car. But do not give her the good car. Sell it or keep it for yourself.

[Reddit User] −  I’ll help her move. She can keep the car. Dude, for the love of god, stop simping for this parasite. What’s next? Paying her security deposit, paying her rent? She’s crying because she lost her meal ticket, that’s all. She doesn’t love you, never did, never will. She *deserves* to be destitute.

dustywoods −  Do you think the next woman you date is going to respect you if you are continuing to pay for your ex girlfriend’s car after you tell her what she was like?

DakTillImUnbanned −  Best of luck to you, truly. I read your original post on a different account and left some shortwinded comment telling you to leave her. I don’t think she’s mad you went through her messages, I think she’s just mad you found her out. Kind of like how a criminal starts immediately apologizing to the police when they get apprehended.

Anyway, you can do better than someone who doesn’t love you. It could be the most beautiful woman in the world or it could be no one at all, but you’re worth more than being used for your bank account. Edit: the other guy is right, keep your s**t, didn’t even think to mention that.

momlin −  I have a friend who married a guy because her mom really pushed her into it. She came from a home where they always struggled financially, dad was a drinker so her mom just wanted her to settle down with someone who was financially stable. She has been married 40+ years in a joyless marriage. No great love story. It’s sad. Don’t settle, you did the right thing. You deserve to have the love of your life and eventually I’m sure you’ll find them. Hang in there. You did the right thing, best of luck.

Do you think he made the right choice in ending the engagement, or could they have worked things out? How would you handle discovering your partner had “settled” for you? Share your thoughts below!