UPDATE: WIBTA if I picked my best friend over my wife?

A Reddit user shared an emotional update on their struggles with an unbalanced relationship dynamic. After receiving support from friends and family, they realized the extent of their partner’s lack of involvement in parenting and household responsibilities.

This revelation led them to make a difficult decision about their future for the well-being of their child. Read the full story below to see how they reached this point.

For those who want to read the previous part: https://aita.pics/hPtYs

‘ UPDATE: WIBTA if I picked my best friend over my wife?’

The morning after I made my post, after Abby had gone to work, Sara came over to help with some chores. It was all normal until my baby took a nap. I was getting ready to make some phone calls while Sara watched the baby but today she said she had to talk to me about something serious.

Emily had told her the whole situation with Abby’s ultimatum. This is essentially what she said to me, paraphrased. Sara thinks Abby is low-key abusing me. I was shocked to hear this because it had never even crossed my mind. Her points in no particular order were:

1. Abby does not do any nightly feedings, therefore I have not gotten more than ~5 consecutive hours of sleep since the baby was born while Abby gets 7-8 hours every night. Me being so sleep deprived is dangerous for the baby as well as myself.

2. Abby only does, as I said in the last post, roughly ~12 hours of childcare a week. Literally everything else is on me, plus cooking dinner and cleaning. When Abby makes herself breakfast/lunch, she doesn’t bother making portions for me. She spends time out of the house with her friends and coworkers.

3. Abby does not show any interest in taking more of the load off of me. She doesn’t seem to care how burned out I am and is fine with my sacrificing my well-being for her career (which, Sara added, is not one that makes the world a better place or helps in society’s functioning).
4. I am now financially dependent on Abby because I was the one who quit my job.

5. Sara and Emily are essentially subsidizing Abby’s lack of interest in childcare. They arguably do more hours of work a week to help me than she does. Sara said she doesn’t at all mind helping me out but she does feel animosity towards Abby for putting us all in this position, and she feels that Abby needs to step up and be more of a parent.

6. Even with the issue of Emily, Sara feels it is wrong for Abby to demand that I cut off my sources of support at such a difficult time, and that at the very least Abby should offer to use some of her money to hire a part time nanny or something, otherwise I would literally be doing childcare 24/7.

7. Sara thinks I should get checked out for PPD, which I had no idea men could get, but apparently she and Emily have been worried about me, and in turn, the baby, because of this.

Sara pointed out that this is an unfortunately common problem some SAHMs face, where their husbands are fine to go golfing on weekends or whatever while the wife does not end up getting any leisure or even self-care time because childcare is “her job,” even though it’s not a job that’s capped at 40 hours a week.

I knew about this problem but I had never connected it to what I’m experiencing, maybe because I’m not a woman. I don’t know if I agree that Abby is “a**sive” per se but when Sara laid it all out like that I could see that there really is a serious problem here, even setting aside the issue with Emily. The bottom line is that Abby is not pulling her weight.

Tonight, after we put the baby to bed, I got into bed with Abby, and she jokingly told me I stank. At first I brushed it off, because yeah, I hadn’t had a chance to shower in a couple days, but then I realized… why do I stink from a lack of showering when Abby gets to go out with her friends every week? I realized I had to talk to her before I lost my nerve.

I didn’t accuse her of abusing me, but I told her I was at a breaking point and laid out our daily schedules to show that I am doing an insane amount of childcare and that it isn’t fair that she gets to shower every day and go drinking with friends while I’m lucky if I get two showers in a week and I haven’t seen some of my other friends in months.

Abby told me that this is what we agreed to because the only way she felt she could have a baby is if she could maintain her career as well. I told her she could keep her career, but maybe until the baby is older she would have to cut down on going out with friends and going to the gym every day.

This made her angry, and she said because her job is so stressful, she needs those activities to decompress. I asked her, what about me? What about my stress levels? She said that it’s easier for me because I’m not the one who gave birth and I’m at home all day and I get to hang out with my friends.

I reminded her that she had requested to me to cut off both of those friends. We got into a big argument. I asked her why she didn’t want to spend time with her own child. Of course she replied “but I DO spend time with the baby!” which, yeah, technically she does, but she isn’t trying to find time in her schedule to increase those hours.

This is such an incredibly special time as our child smiles and laughs more every day and is learning things at an insane rate and it feels like she doesn’t want to be around for that. She just kept trying to bring it back to the issue with Emily, and I kept trying to point out that if Emily didn’t exist this problem of Abby not doing childcare would still be a problem.

We didn’t resolve anything and I just went to bed with my heart sinking. The next morning I called my parents to tell them my thoughts, and they said they can come to help with the baby if I have to leave Abby.

I now know that I do need to leave Abby, but I have no idea how she is going to handle childcare when it’s her turn to have our baby. She still keeps trying to push #2 diaper changes on me even when I’m busy washing dishes. I feel really awful that this is how things are turning out but I think baby and I are going to be okay.

Check out how the community responded:

Desert-Grimworm −  You barely knew each other and Abby got pregnant. She is now using you. Like seriously 12 hours a week? There are many different kinds of abuse. Emotional verbal financial etc. And unfortunately because you are a man most people are not going to take you seriously. It shows in a lot of replies.

Do what’s best for you and your child. You have a trusted support system of friends and family behind you. Emily and Sara included. Don’t stress over how Abby is going to handle her responsibilities when she has her parental time. That’s on her and she can figure it out. I sincerely wish you all the best.. You’re not the AH.

iknowsomethings2 −  Break up with Abby. Consult a lawyer on custody.

Throw_RA099 −  NTA. Retain an attorney regarding custody of your child and tell your girlfriend you’re moving out. It sounds like you have an outstanding support network.. Sending you strength.

SnooOpinions1612 −  I think you’re just learning how very incompatible Abby and you are. I think it is time to take a step back and reevaluate what is going on in your life. Take up your parents offer and get back to work, get your own place and go to court to legally establish yourself as a parent and get custody of your child.

Known_Two_2072 −  So a fake update on your fake story 😂😅

Many-Pirate2712 −  I bet if you leave she would give you full custody 

TaiwanBandit −  By your own words your relationship moved forward very fast. I would tell Abby you plan to go back to work, and childcare becomes 50/50.

Being a SAHD/M can be very rewarding but can also stymie your opportunity to get back into the work environment if you need/want to.
I agree Abby could be sabotaging the relationship with you because of your friends.. updateme

ClevelandWomble −  You are pseudo married and Abbie is a single mother with a live-in nanny. Mothers have time to shower, so should you. Married working mothers don’t go out clubbing every week. You are both in different relationships. Move on and get some actual support.

TowerAirGirl −  Please Lawyer Up. She might try to use the baby as a weapon in separating.

Ok-CANACHK −  Abby doesn’t want you to have any support, is what the problem with Emily sounds like, IMO. the truth of the matter is, basically Y’all hooked up, got pregnant & decided to go ahead & have a baby while you got to know each other.

Now you’ve met the real Abby. She was never mother material. You’ve heard the expression, “If he wanted to -he would”? If Abby actually gave a s**t about the baby, she would spend time with her.. NTA