[Update] When I [30 F] say “our bathroom” or “our house” etc, my husband [30 M] always has to point out that it’s *his* house etc
In an emotional update, a Redditor (30F) shared the outcome of addressing her husband’s (30M) habit of undermining their shared ownership of their home by emphasizing it as “his.” She opened up about how his comments hurt her and questioned whether he resented her role as a stay-at-home mom.
The conversation revealed deeper roots of his behavior tied to his upbringing and financial insecurities, leading to an agreement to make her feel more equal, including adding her name to the deed. Read the original update below:
For those who want to read the previous part: https://aita.pics/lEUoV
‘ [Update] When I [30 F] say “our bathroom” or “our house” etc, my husband [30 M] always has to point out that it’s *his* house etc’
I ended up talking to him a few nights ago, after I got all my thoughts down on paper and felt emotionally ready to talk about it.. I said, “When you point out that it’s *your* house or that *you* paid for this and that, it makes me feel like I’m an unwanted guest in *your* house.
I’ve told you how this makes me feel but you still do it, which makes me feel like this isn’t ‘just a joke’ like you claim. I want to feel like an equal partner in our relationship, especially since we will be bringing our child into the world so soon.
When we were engaged, we were both so excited to go house hunting together and make it our home – for us and our future kids. You told me you were more than happy to continue working so that I could stay home to take care of the house and kids and dogs, but lately it feels like you resent me for it.
Now that I’m bringing *our* child into the world, I want to make sure there’s no hostility or resentment between us. And I want to hear your side because currently, I just feel hurt and I’m worried this will keep building if I don’t address it now.
If me going back to work and contributing to the mortgage is what you want, despite what you said to me a year ago, then let’s talk about it.” So I read that to him and he immediately said that he never meant anything by it and it was stupid and immature of him and that he’d work on it. He didn’t realize it hurt me so much.
After talking it through a little, he said he thinks it might stem from growing up poor and finally building a comfortable life for himself. He agreed it probably has to also be an ego thing, and maybe stems from the fact that his dad couldn’t take care of their family and his mom had to work 2-3 jobs.
He said he wants me to feel like an equal partner and wants me to feel at home in our house. I also asked about putting my name on the deed and he said he would. I do think he means what he says,
but I also need him to prove it with his actions/words for me to truly feel comfortable. But we’re moving in the right direction and I’m glad I was able to express that to him. Thanks again for all the advice.
Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:
Rounders_in_knickers − Watch his actions, not his words. He needs to actually put you on the deed. You need to be fully a team.
WhatHappenedMonday − Well talking it out was a step in the right direction. But if his actions don’t follow up you have a bigger problem. Also, you should have set a timeline for certain actions to be done like putting you on the deed. I hope he lives up to his words OP.
EquasLocklear − On the bright side, it’s not on the guest to clean someone else’s house.
CautiousHashtag − Maybe it’s me but his response is quite dismissive. I wouldn’t be shocked if no actions or improvements come from your conversation. I truly hope that I’m wrong but it just seemed like he is trying to hush you up for the time being. You did what you could, just make sure you hold him to his commitments.
Chesterlie − Well done OP. It’s hard to lay yourself honestly out like that and show your vulnerabilities but it’s what makes strong relationships. It builds intimacy and trust and a feeling you’re on the same team.
And well done to your husband for listening and really hearing what you said and being honest in return. When he follows through on his promises you two will only be stronger for this.
LadyFoxfire − Remind your husband that being a SAHM is a vulnerable position that requires a lot of trust that your partner sees you as an equal partner in the marriage.
WeeklyConversation8 − I don’t believe he didn’t know it was hurting you. He did, he just doesn’t care. You’ve told him numerous times and he kept saying it.
DarbyGirl − My ex was like this. It was always his house, not ours. He never did treat me like an equal partner except when he was trying to keep me from leaving. His answer was dismissive, and he likely just said what you wanted to hear.
If he is showing these tendencies now, I will bet you my cat that this will get worse once baby is here. If I were you I’d get a job. You need to be able to stand on your own two feet regardless if this relationship continues or not.
Consistent_File_5832 − This is all a good start but really every time you say “our house” he should sing a verse of ”Our House” by Madness for penance.
fromtheGo − If y’all have a mortgage, please check with the lender before you add your name to the deed. Some terms of some loans prohibit this.
This thoughtful conversation highlights the importance of addressing insecurities and fostering equality in relationships. Do you think their resolution will lead to lasting changes, or will deeper issues need more attention? How would you navigate similar concerns in a partnership? Share your thoughts below!