UPDATE TO: I [21/M] have been looking for my sister [18/F] since 2014. I found a way to contact her last night, but I’m not sure how to do it.

A Redditor (23M) shared an emotional journey about reconnecting with his estranged younger sister (21F), whom he’d lost contact with after their parents’ divorce. Despite finally learning about her life, he uncovers unsettling truths about her actions and motivations, leading him to embrace his decision to remain distant. His story highlights the complexities of estrangement and family ties. Read the full story below.

‘ UPDATE TO: I [21/M] have been looking for my sister [18/F] since 2014. I found a way to contact her last night, but I’m not sure how to do it.’

This is an update to [this post I made in January last year]. Not many people saw it but I figured I’d update anyway because I got some good advice and, I don’t know, the outcome might be something good to read while having a poo or whatever. Fair warning, this is a lot longer than I expected it to be.

**tl;dr (for the original)**: Sister has been involuntarily no contact with me since my parent’s divorce. She lives with my narcissistic mother who would do anything to make sure I never see her again. I’ve found a way to contact her and I want to do it, but I don’t want to step in her life and f**k it up for her. What’s the best way to proceed?. —

**Update:** Well, I’m 23 now. Finished university, starting a real job, Dad and I no longer have depression, life is pretty good. As for my sister, a few interesting things happened to say the least. Firstly – I took the overall consensus from the original post and didn’t make any attempt to contact her.

I did drunkenly check her the page from time to time to see if anything had changed, and I found that I’d be unblocked on my main facebook account. Probably around August that same year, my sister rang my aunt and said she wanted to arrange a meeting with her and her son (our cousin, obviously).

My aunt immediately rang my Dad and I and told us the good news, we were both uncertain about how we should take it but overall we were pretty happy. They all meet up and apparently my sister has also been kicked out of our mother’s house for some reason or another and is staying with a friend, and she hasn’t spoken to my mother for over a year (at this point in November).

The story goes that my mother and her new victim managed to ostracise themselves from all their friends down there and my mother took out her aggression on my sister, so she stormed out and turned up teary-eyed at this friends house and has been living with them ever since.

She asked about me and my father, if we were doing well, and if we ‘hate her’. Obviously my aunt assured her that we definitely don’t. My sister says that she wants to get in contact with the both of us but she wants to take it slow and she didn’t know how we would react. In my view that’s completely understandable\*.

That’s interesting point #1. ^\*Just ^(as a side note, my mother once smacked my sister in the face for wasting a tampon when she was 12. I obviously am not completely familiar with that uniquely female experience but I did get the joy of hearing that moment unfold – just for an idea of the type of person my mother is and what she did to us both as kids.)

**Interesting point #2** happens when my sister goes, with her new boyfriend, up to visit our Nan\*. Another cousin of ours (big family) is also present for this meeting. My cousin tells me that my sister told our Nan that it had been ‘a few months’ since she had last spoken to our mother, which is quite a bit different to ‘over a year ago’.

Whatever, maybe my Aunt misremembered the meeting. However, my cousin did say that she got a very ‘off’ vibe from my sister, and to paraphrase her own words heavily, ‘you would think [Sister] had last seen us all last weekend – not 5 years ago. She walked in to [Nan’s] house like she owned the f**king place.

She didn’t really say why she was getting in contact with us and not [you or her father] other than she “wasn’t ready”, and she didn’t really say why she hadn’t spoken to her mother either. I don’t know, I wasn’t happy with it at all, and we were all thinking that you two [my father and I] should be in that room, not us. But maybe [your mother] has made me too paranoid.’

^\*My ^(Nan is my maternal grandparent. I phone her as often as I can which isn’t as often as I would like it to be admittedly and I know I’ll kick myself for it. I digress – every time I do phone her, she always asks about my Dad and his new partner, and sends them both Birthday cards, Christmas cards, so on.

To me it just speaks volumes about the type of person my Mother is when her mother is more concerned about the wellbeing of her ex-husband and his new partner. Just tryna get this point home to any doubters.)

**#3** occurs when I find out that my sister asked my Nan for some money to help her out with University and not living with her Mother anymore. My Nan, being the lovely little 86 year old Welsh sweetheart that she is, gave her around £2,000.

Now, I’m happy to be proven wrong here, but asking for £2,000 within a few hours of reconnecting with family that you haven’t seen or made contact with for *five years* is very strange. I find out about this, because around November my Nan called me – because she had promised me an update on the situation – to tell me that for about a week after my Sister met up with them all, they had been in regular contact via phone and Facebook.

Since that week – nothing. Unreturned voicemails, Facebook messages left on read, my sister had taken the money and fucked off. I spent the day reassuring my Nan that she hadn’t done anything wrong, and she definitely wasn’t the i**ot she thought she was for giving my sister the money.

**#4** is the least interesting, but you’ll be pleased to know that my ramblings end here at least. It should go without saying that since the first meeting in August with my aunt and her son, neither my Dad nor I have had any direct contact with my sister. On Boxing day, my sister *finally* calls my Nan and wishes her a merry Christmas.

My Nan says thanks and hangs up. In January, on my Nan’s 87th birthday, my sister calls up and wishes her a happy birthday, and also mentions that she’s having some money problems. My Nan rolls her eyes and hands the phone to my Aunt who buys my Sister’s sob story hook, line, and sinker, and rings me to tell me the, quote unquote, “good news” and that “it’s different this time, she really wants to see you”.

Around May (which is my Birthday month btw), my sisters sends a text to my Aunt to see if she has any old pictures of her. My aunt says she doesn’t, but that me and my Dad might (which we do). My sister sends a text back saying that she will get in touch with us.

I know this is gonna come as a complete shock, but it’s been radio silence since and in all honesty I’m fine with that. To me, it’s crystal clear who my sister has grown up to be like.

Toying with family members emotions, treating her own presence as a gift and using it to manipulate money out of people, inconsistent stories about her relationship with the one person she knows would be a deal-breaker if the rest of the family knew was still involved, and terrible at hiding her true intentions.

Will she ask me for the photos? Probably not. Unless she gets really desperate and exhausts all other avenues for exploiting money out of people with pity stories, but even she knows that I know exactly who that money is going to. My mother knows that she’s not in my Nan’s will at this point.

If she does want to meet up, I will bring the photos with me. Part of me wants to bring two envelopes – half of the photos in one envelope, the other half shredded up in another, and depending on how well the meeting goes depends on which envelope she gets. I won’t do that but it the thought of being that petty is very tempting.

I’m not holding my breath. She was 14 and I was 17 the last time I saw her; she’s turning 21 this year and I was 23 in May. I’ve had my years of anger and grief and done my time with depression, I’ve hurt many people and many relationships along the way.

I’m still learning what’s normal and what isn’t, but on the whole my life is split up into *before* and *after*, and for the most part my sister lives and will remain in the *before*. Somewhat because I want to maintain the memory I have of her and not taint it by knowing what she has become, somewhat because I’m not ready to go through what I overcame again.

I’ve accepted my role in the universe as the recipient of bad karma to make up for all the good karma that randomly happens to other people. I’m okay with that; for the first time in my life, I’ve been the one in control.

As for my attitude to her and my mother, the best word I could adequately use to describe it is “ambivalent”. They could win the lottery and be on the news tomorrow or they could get hit by a bus – my reaction would probably be the same.

To everyone else out there with estranged parents or other family members – the one thing I learned is that estrangement is the best thing they’ll ever do for you.

**tl;dr**: I didn’t contact her, and it turned out to be a good thing, but not for the reasons I thought.. —

See what others had to share with OP:

Thepoopsith −  It would be a good idea if your whole family committed to not giving her any more money.

coco1135 −  I didn’t read your original post at the time, but I’m going to comment anyway. I think you absolutely need to do whatever you need to for your mental health, and if that includes waiting for your sister to contact you and not making the first move then fair enough. But you’re both still SO young.

Its easy to say that she’s as bad as your awful mother, but she’s only been out from under her thumb for a short while, after a life time of being treated like crap by the woman that’s supposed to love her unconditionally. It’s going to take more than a few months for her to recover from a toxic mother-daughter relationship like that, and to realise that she shouldn’t be treating people the way your mother has.

I think you could both do with talking to a professional, to be honest. This isn’t something that’s fixed by time. I hope you keep an open heart and an open door, so she has someone to go to when (if) she has the realisation that she can be a better person than your mum is. I also hope you know that I’m not criticising either of you, and I think you’re a very strong person for overcoming everything you have so far.

jexdar −  Thanks for writing this – I personally don’t have estranged family but my husband is NC with most of his family and sometimes I wonder about getting in touch. Definitely think that being estranged is better in our case as well. Glad you have found some peace in your “after” and hope you continue to heal and grow!

asuka_is_my_co-pilot −  Did I read that you got joy from hearing your sister getting slapped?. Maybe there’s a typo there. Okay look, I have a probable half sister with mental health issues who has been in an a**sive relationship and I grew up in a stable home. My dad didn’t even know she could possibly be kin until her father passed, and my dad passed shortly after.

Before my dad passed he got her a cheap phone cause her husband wouldn’t give her one stuff like that. The point here is I had this idea “wow I have a new sister this is awesome”! ” When we met, I didn’t like her at all. She was weird abrasive and just awkward. She didn’t ask for anything of me she was just weird.

I had to realize she didn’t grow up like me, now that doesn’t mean we have to be besties and I think having her in my life would be bad for both of our mental health but im a lot more sympathetic to her because she’s the byproduct of her upbringing. I will help her leave her absuve husband whenever she asks but I don’t like her really at all.

I think you need to think of her in a similar way, maybe your sister is an a**hole, but she’s also been with your apparently s**tty mom for alot longer and without any of the support you seem to have like your cousins and Nan etc she didn’t have anyone to turn to im gonna guess but your s**tty a**sive mom.

Have you ever heard of “fleas” it’s a therapy term, for when the victim spends long enough with their abuser they pick up fleas aka they mimic and copy behavior even if they themselves hate that behavior. It’s extremely common in parent child a**sive relationships. And it can’t be unlearned in a weekend trip.

Here’s my earnest advice. Ask her if she needs help, offer to go to family counseling with her maybe you can find a low cost one in your area. I understand if you don’t want to do this but I think your sister isn’t a demon she’s an abused little kid on the inside still.

Don’t give her any money or any more monetary value things. Donate things to her maybe like clothes or old stuff she might be able to use but that it’s. Ban nan from helping. But tell her that you are here for her when she gets therapy and can move on from the abuse cycle her mom threw her in against her will as a child.

TLDR your sister like mine is a victim of emotional and physical abuse nd I think she can still be rehabilited. You don’t have any responsibility to help, but consider the resources she might not have had and how she might have learned unhealthy habits to survive.

You don’t have to help her but I think guiding her to a place that will is more love than she’s seen since she was born You’ll be surprised how a little empathy can reach a person.

LilMsFeckingSunshine −  Oh OP, I’m so sorry. On a personal level I’m angry at your sister for throwing away a relationship I would kill to have (my sister was disabled and passed away so, not a traditional sisterhood) and I’m upset on your behalf that you have mantained a level head throughout all of this and tried to give her the benefit of the doubt, only for her to spit in your face.

You’re both still very young, so maybe someday she will change, or maybe she won’t. But you know better than to wait for her. It sounds like the family you’re connected with is super kind and supportive, and I hope you all come up with an action plan for when she asks for money again.

I would make sure that the truth is not actually that she is still in contact with your incubator (sorry, that woman does NOT deserve to be called your mom) and might be funneling some of the money to her. If so, I would head to r/legal for some advice.

Again, despite the overall benefit of being distanced from people like them, it doesn’t make it hurt less, so I’m sorry. I hope for you that if your sister doesn’t change that you lead a life so rich and full that she doesn’t even cross your mind.

NoManSoul −  Sorry you had to go through this. I think your mother poisoned your sister’s mind. Until your sister breaks free the hold your mother has on her, she will not be her own person. When your mother said she wished for you to have tried harder at suicide; it tells me that your sister was her favourite child and you were her whipping post. People have described your mum as n**cissist, I’ll go further and say she may be s**iopath.

Its best if you and your family go no-contact with your sister and mother. Leave the door open for reconciliation but always keep her at arms distance. Don’t give money or anything else that you wouldn’t do for a stranger. You would have to see a great improvement in your sister over many years before you can start treating her as family.

She needs to earn your trust and love again. Take your focus away from your sister, instead focus on the family you already have; your dad, grandparents, aunts and extended family. Remember they were there for you when you needed them. They are your true family. I’m glad you and your father have made it through the darkness on to the other side. Appreciate the people you have in your life while they are still in your life. Good luck in your future endeavours.

PsychedelicLightbulb −  It might get buried in the comments, but I just wanted to say that you should write this post in the form of a short story. Not just because it’s interesting, which it is, but writing about family has helped me in healing. Write it from a third person perspective or first, your choice.

Start it with teh day you decided to get in touch with your sister and proceed with the back story. Don’t hope that it’ll be published. That’s a one in a million chance. But just write it for yourself. All the best. P.S. You made the right choice in keeping your distance with your sister.

peaceoutsis −  Really sorry she turned into someone like this. Your attitude is compassionate and wise. Good luck to you and your dad.

mockingbird82 −  I don’t blame you for staying no contact with your sister for now. That being said, she had more time under your mom’s rule and was ripped away from the better family members for longer. Two people growing up in the same environment don’t always come out the same. My siblings and I grew up in the same toxicity and went different ways. I “got out” while they didn’t. I’m always hopeful they’ll turn around.

While I’m always hopeful, I stand from a distance. If I were in your situation, I would let her make the first move. I would not give her money. I would give her pictures, though, because they’re pictures of her and don’t cost you anything. (I’d scan a few for my own memories book before handing them off.) I’d listen if she ever opened up.

If conversation ever got deep enough, I would tell her that your mother’s toxic behaviors absolutely left a mark and she has to take care not the repeat the same patterns. She needs therapy, absolutely. Again, I wouldn’t give her money, but I’d point her out to resources she could use.

I fully acknowledge that you aren’t me, though, and you might not want to try these things. It’s fine; I’m just sharing my experience and how I’d navigate in your shoes.

ETA: I read in comments and found out more about the money thing. Obviously, she’s getting help from somewhere. Is it mom or her boyfriend? Or someone else? Why isn’t she comfortable contacting you – fear of r**ection or fear she’d be found out? I absolutely wouldn’t trust her, but I would keep in mind that there are other explanations.

If she ever got in touch, I’d verify everything, of course. Even if Mom isn’t pulling strings in the background (and she probably is), your sister is still acting shady.

Evening_Caterpillar −  If she does want to meet up, I will bring the photos with me. Part of me wants to bring two envelopes – half of the photos in one envelope, the other half shredded up in another, and depending on how well the meeting goes depends on which envelope she gets. I won’t do that but it the thought of being that petty is very tempting.

Don’t do anything like this. I know that 21 and 23 sounds very grown up, but you will both be very different people when you are 81 and 83. Even if she is making a lot of mistakes right now, don’t respond in a way to widen the gulf to a point that your interactions will leave you both bitter toward each other for decades to come.

Have you ever dealt with a complicated family reunion or struggled with estrangement? How did you handle it? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments.