[Update] The guy (29m) I’m (25f) dating and his friends “gatekeeped” me about my hobbies and career, I’m feeling embarrassed.

A woman (25F) confronted the man she was dating (29M) about an uncomfortable dinner where he and his friends “gatekept” her by grilling her about her hobbies and career. Despite her efforts to explain her perspective, he dismissed her feelings and failed to take responsibility. She ultimately decided to end the relationship, leaving him upset and sending angry texts. Read the full update below.

‘ [Update] The guy (29m) I’m (25f) dating and his friends “gatekeeped” me about my hobbies and career, I’m feeling embarrassed.’

After the post I decided it would be best to end things through a phone call. I mentioned ghosting, but it’s probably best he knows how and why he fucked up. I waited until Saturday to reach out to him, told him “we need to talk.” I’m paraphrasing here, but this is basically what the convo went like:

Dan: This is about the dinner, isn’t it?. Me: Yeah it is.. Dan: and?

Me: I don’t think I’ve ever felt so unwelcome in a group before. It felt like a s**tty interview, all they did was test my knowledge. No one tried to get to know me, and when actual conversation was going on I was ignored or interrupted if I tried to talk.

Dan: I don’t feel it like it was anything like that.

Me: Ok, so how often do you guys sit around just asking questions like “quick – what is the sql query if you want to delete two rows from two different tables!?!”. Dan: I don’t know

Me: No really, do you quiz your friends randomly like that at work or out and about?. Dan: No not really

Me: And why not? why don’t you just ask lightning round quizzes like that? B/c it’s not what normal people do?

Dan: I don’t know. They were just having fun and joking around.

Me: It wasn’t fun for me. I have male and female friends in all sorts of professions, I’ve never cornered any of them to test their knowledge. I trust they know what they’re doing. I ask them about work, what they’re doing, you know normal questions.. Dan: ok

Me: I’m not going to print out a CPA exam and quiz my accountant friend, don’t you think that would be a little fucked up?. Dan: I don’t know, maybe?

We talked a little more about that night, and I gave him more specific examples of what he and his friends did and he never really had any good answered. It was a lot of “i don’t know” and single word answers. I told him I created a reddit post and I would send it to him. He was a little pissed off that I did that, felt like I had no right to so.

At the end of the conversation he asked if we were done. I told him yeah, that I can’t see a future with him, that I saw a different side of him that night and I don’t want to be someone’s prize poodle on display for the world to see. He didn’t really say anything after that and just hung up the phone. I sent him the url for my first post.

He texted me throughout the weekend, but I didn’t respond. He read the post that I sent him and wasn’t happy with it, and said he couldn’t believe so many people were on my side and were hating on him. He sent a few more angry texts after that like he couldn’t believe we were breaking up over something so stupid.

He did send a few rounds of “I’m sorrys” and “let’s try to work through this” but when I didn’t respond he just went back to angry texting me. Also, I did find his friend who buried his head in his phone that night and sent him the reddit link and asked if that sounded like what happened. Dan’s friend said he knew what his friends were doing were wrong, and felt bad for me.

He apologized for not stepping in, and assumed that Dan would eventually speak up for me on my behalf. He also apologized for joining them in the beginning, and wished me luck in my career.

tl:dr: I tried explaining how that night was weird, uncomfortable and fucked up. He didn’t see my point of view, didn’t learn any lessons from it. I broke it off, he has been sending me angry texts, I haven’t responded.

EDIT: I know my first post was gilded and some of my comments too, instead of giving money to reddit or giving me gold I can’t use on this account, please donate to this organization, winter is approaching and there are a lot of kids that don’t have coats. https://www.operationwarm.org/get-involved/give-3/

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

[Reddit User] −  You made the right decision, 100%. After your first post, I definitely thought Dan (and his friends) was a POS, but his reaction and surprise that people are on YOUR side is just the icing on the s**t cake. Best of luck to you. You are strong and deserve so much more!

GrimalKin_Seamless −  The one word answers and “i don’t know” is what a kid does when they’re in trouble and knows it was wrong to do that thing. He knows exactly why and what he was doing,hes a grown man, he just doesnt want to say because he knows it would only dig the hole deeper.

[Reddit User] −  He did send a few rounds of “I’m sorrys” and “let’s try to work through this” but when I didn’t respond he just went back to angry texting me.  Ugh. Sorry about the Nice Guy confirmation, but at least you tried to get him to think about it. And at least one member of that group is capable of introspection. Hopefully he’ll do better next time.

Dr_Mitt_ −  Good for you, this guy sounds like a man-child. “I don’t know” and “well ya, maybe” are just code for “I know you are right but if I acknowledge it then I will have to take responsibility for my own b**lshit”. Now onward to a better tomorrow. Good luck out there.

OMG_GOP_WTF −  I do hope Dan thinks hard about this and learns from it. You are now free to find the many guys out there who wouldn’t allow this to continue.

shennylenny −  If he can’t even speak up about how wrong that was, or even try to defend you or give you straight answers, you’ve made the right decision. Ignore whatever backlash you might get from this – and it’s also super sweet that you’ve chosen to include a link to a charity. You deserve much better

SunshineandStoke −  I told him I created a reddit post and I would send it to him. He was a little pissed off that I did that, felt like I had no right to so. Pretty much everything this dude and his s**tty friends did rubs me the wrong way (although, props to his buddy for owning up to what the group was doing and his roll in it),

but this stands out to me for some reason. All I can say about it is this lovely quote I like to consult whenever I write personal essays about life experiences, or seek advice on this site: “You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.”

Ebbie45 −  *snaps* For both the callouts at the beginning of this post and the way you stuck up for yourself. You’re a Queen.

theironfist29 −  message to OPs EX: You’re a p**ck. All you can say is “i dont know” instead of owning up and taking some blame like a decent person. No doubt you’ll run to your boys and make it out like you dumped her. \* que the camaraderie b**lshit from his friends about how OP is no good for him \*

MisterDave1 −  Having read this and your last post, you definitely made the right call. This may well have been then “just joking around’” but it’s no way to make someone feel welcomed. I’m glad you recognized that before things went any further.

Breaking off a relationship can be hard, but knowing your worth and standing up for yourself is always worth it. Have you ever had to deal with someone who refused to acknowledge your perspective? Share your thoughts below!