UPDATE: My Girlfriend wants to take a stressful job and I foolishly set an ultimatum against it?

The Reddit user shares an update on his relationship after initially setting an ultimatum regarding his girlfriend’s decision to take a stressful job. Through a heartfelt conversation, they worked through their issues, and the user realized his fears about the past were impacting his behavior.

His girlfriend revealed her desire to secure financial stability by buying a house, given her unstable upbringing. With a new understanding of each other’s priorities, they’ve come up with a plan to move forward together, including a potential job change and discussions about future communication improvements..

For those who want to read the previous part: https://aita.pics/czPTv

‘ UPDATE: My Girlfriend wants to take a stressful job and I foolishly set an ultimatum against it?’

I (27M) would like to thank everyone who took time to give me valuable advice, it helped me realize I was going about it the wrong way and possibly ruined a relationship of 7 years . Yesterday, we sat down and had a proper conversation. I apologized to her for lashing out with an ultimatum,

I explained how scared I was of things sliding back. She (28F) was able to understand it and she also pointed out how hurtful me setting down and ultimatum was. I talked about mapping out a plan so that we don’t slid into the mess we had created.

I think me being open to the idea of her working allowed her to be vulnerable and reveal why she wanted to chase money. She wants to put down roots in the city and buy a house here. she grow up in pretty unstable circumstance and moved around a lot.

She is adamant that we own a house before we get married/have kids and the home market here is booming. She also thought that it was a bit embarrassing to be so fixated on owning a house and wanted to take the whole burden on herself. I really love this woman.

I know that her actions in the past has not been great but even after that I trust her to be kind. I think, this perspective is not something I could have ever thought of , I come from a more privileged background and even though my parents raised us to be independent but we always knew that if things got u**y,

we had a safety net. She never had that and I understand her need to create one. After we stopped crying and talking. we went through the budget and talked about areas where we could cut expenses.

She really doesn’t want to change jobs, so we are planning on her asking for a raise and I think I will start looking for a new job. I am pretty indifferent about my workplace and I don’t mind jumping ship to increase my salary. She is happy and would have disliked to move to another company.

I have to really thank the people here for helping us talk this out. I am planning on bringing up counselling on a later date. we have a lingering issue on communication that we need to sort out.

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

currently_distracted −  So happy the two of you were able to be open and communicate with each other about this! Please make sure you continue this communication and have an action plan in case your lives take a separate turn from each other as you pursue this serious joint purchase.

redddit_rabbbit −  Good communication; nice work! Don’t buy a house together without being married.. Best of luck! Edit: if you live in the US, don’t buy a house together without being married. Cannot make legal recommendations for other countries!

cuccurucucu-paloma −  She lashed out at you for 3 years and she refuses therapy/counseling but obviously you are the one who has to apologize. Ok. Let’s hope she changes her mind this time around

ilovestoride −  Good for you guys. I’ve always said, the cornerstone to any successful and happy marriage is communication.

spoopypoopydoops −  Congratulations on y’all having a difficult conversation to mend bad feelings and begin finding solutions. I hope y’all are able to alter things in a way that gives you both what you want without sacrificing healthy behaviors and respectful communication tactics.

It sounds to me like y’all are back on track or at least getting there. It can be hard at times to swallow your pride and admit fault (ie your ultimatum as well as her lashing out at you), but these actions are great investments in your relationship. Best wishes to both of you.

I hope y’all find ways to continue to improve your communication as you each grow and change. Cheers again on this breakthrough! Edited to add: I really think it could help for her to seek professional guidance on managing stress as well as couple’s counseling,

and maybe you speaking to someone to deal with your unresolved pain of her having lashed out in the past. Y’all avoided a potential issue with her taking on a stressful job, but relationships, transition into marriage, wedding planning, purchasing a home, having children,

and many other life changes (or lack of change like stagnation, boredom, or the feeling of being unfulfilled) will eventually occur. It is normal to be stressed sometimes and have occasional anxiety, but it is not acceptable for anyone to resort to emotional and verbal abuse as a way of dealing with those emotions.

You both deserve to be respected and to be in a safe environment: emotionally, physically, and s**ually. To prevent a relapse of her behavior it is a good idea to seriously consider professional assistance in order to find the root cause of her bad coping strategies and to replace them with healthy strategies.

I have multiple anxiety disorders, and I have intermittently sought out therapy when I find I am utilizing unhealthy coping skills.

[Reddit User] −  Hey, I’m glad you guys worked things out. But…did she acknowledge the severity of the abuse she put you through during her last stint at a stressful job? You describe that time as “the worst years of your life” and say that even now, years down the line,

you feel “fear and panic” at the thought of repeating that to the extent that you felt the need to lash out the way you did. Was lashing out wrong? Yes, technically. But you didn’t do that as some m**ipulative tactic because you wanted to get your way.

You did that because you were traumatized from her behavior and it caused you to respond impulsively. She may deserve some sort of apology for that, but *you* deserve a huge apology from her for the way that she treated you when she was under stress.

Stress is not a good enough excuse to yell at someone consistently for three years. Life contains stressful events, and at some point, everyone has to learn how to deal with stress without abusing the people around us. Most people can manage that, even when they are under considerable stress.

I’m very concerned that you don’t mention your girlfriend acknowledging the pain that she caused you. I’m very concerned that you appear to be taking full blame for lashing out this one time,

when your girlfriend lashed out consistently for a very long time and gave meaningless apologies only to continue the behavior. This is all very concerning, honestly. Please take care of yourself.

seventiesporno −  Did you mention to her that you will not tolerate being her personal punching bag this time around?

ChillWisdom −  I’m glad you got this issue settled. Please go to counseling BEFORE you get married or have children. You two need to build a solid foundation of communication skills and handling lifes stresses TOGETHER.

Most people try to rebuild the relationship by going to relationship therapy after everything is falling down. Imagine how bullet proof you two will be if you build it up before all the really hard stuff hits you. Also, if you will have a pattern of working things out with your counselor,

it won’t be a big red flag if one of you says “we need a session to deal with such and such.” Use the opportunity to get deeper into next stage of life planning. I’ve seen marriages break up because of parenting styles being different, one person going back to their religious upbringing, not wanting kids after all, huge differences on spending habits…on and on.

EuCleo −  I always feel very happy when there is conflict in posts here, but things work out well after good communication.