[UPDATE] My BIL [34M] invited me [27F] and my husband [29M] to an orgy.

A Redditor shared an update about a dramatic family conflict that unfolded after her brother-in-law invited her and her husband to an inappropriate event. The fallout revealed deep-seated issues in the husband’s family dynamics, leading to a tense series of confrontations and decisions. Read the original story below to learn more about how this situation unraveled.

For those who want to read the previous part: https://aita.pics/NUQri

‘ [UPDATE] My BIL [34M] invited me [27F] and my husband [29M] to an orgy.’

I decided to give an update, since we’ve finally reached the end of the mess from the first post. I told my husband, shortly after I posted the story here because I was feeling very anxious and he was going to pick up on that anyway. I don’t think I have to say that my husband was livid, I never saw him like that before.

After a lot of talking, I ended up learning a lot about the relationship between him and BIL.. To keep things short, BIL is a huge a**hole who has ruined relationships for my husband in the past. The only reason he didn’t ruin ours was because my husband put a lot of distance between himself and his own family.

His family by the way, always chalked it all up to sibling rivalry and never did anything to help, so I don’t blame him.. ​My husband called BIL and asked him to not contact us anymore, he only wanted him to apologize to me for dragging me into this. BIL denied his request saying it was just a joke and I should be able to take one like a grown up.

He hung up on us and that was that for a few days, until we received a call from my MIL who was very angry. BIL had told her and my FIL what had happened and that he was very upset that he couldn’t even make jokes without my husband making a big deal out of it.

So MIL was calling to say that we and my BIL’s family weren’t going to be invited to family gatherings anymore until everything was solved.. ​ I told my husband about the call and he was surprisingly calm this time around, saying that it was the usual behavior and that if I wanted to he would make an effort but he didn’t care very much.

At this point I was angry myself because I never saw this behavior in his family before and it was etremely frustrating. I told him not to bother and that it would be up to him to decide. We kept mostly to ourselves since and nobody reached out to us either.

Until monday, when my FIL called us to say that BIL was invited to spend christmas with the family because his wife was pregnant. He only wanted to make sure that we knew this because he didn’t want us showing up to “ruin everyone’s good time”.. ​Me and my husband ended up laughing about it later because it was so absurd.

But I noticed that it has taken a toll on my husband’s mood and I’m debating suggesting therapy for him because I feel like there’s a lot he doesn’t feel comfortable telling me. We’re going to spend christmas with my parents and I hope my husband will be able to tune out from this entire situation and have a good time..

See what others had to share with OP:

[Reddit User] −  FIL called us to say that BIL was invited to spend christmas with the family because his wife was pregnant. He only wanted to make sure that we knew this because he didn’t want us showing up to “ruin everyone’s good time”.

Bull s**t. He called to rub it in that BIL is the golden child and your husband is the s**pegoat. Really, the only thing to do is to support your husband however he decides to deal with his family. If he wants to ghost the famdamily, so be it.

Your husband might benefit from some personal counselling as he processes getting shut out by his family. You and your husband know perfectly well that BIL was not joking. He has an unhealthy o**ession with the women your husband has been involved with.

cute_physics_guy −  Sounds like you are both best off separating yourselves from his family. WTF kind of mom enables s** jokes to her daughter in law from her other son? I am NC with my sister and VLC with my Dad over their “jokes” and other issues that could be resolved with a simple apology.

I don’t know what the right answer is for your husband, if he wants to do therapy, by all means. Me, there’s no level of therapy that will give me a decent family, so I’ve long detached myself and moved on.

DevoutandHeretical −  Sounds like your BIL is the Golden Child and your husband is the S**pegoat. Your husband is probably holding back multiple instances where their parents picked his brother over him, and this is just the final straw.

Why would you be showing up to ruin christmas? Why would they phrase it that way? Because in their heads his refusal to see that BIL is great and doesn’t do anything wrong is bad. Go enjoy Christmas with your family. Make sure your husband feels loved and supported and knows that he is in the right here. Don’t let your in laws manipulate you into sweeping this all under the rug.

SwordYieldingCypher −  I would be the a**hole to the in laws and ask them if they are sure on the paternity of the child. But thats just me.

bahhamburger −  You missed a golden opportunity to ask your MIL what makes her so sure that the baby is her son’s and not some rando from the orgy

Chasmosaur −  I am not exactly the most favored member of my family, to put it mildly. I could give a long list of instances where my siblings were preferred or promoted in front of me, but honestly, it would just take too long.

So let me assure you: distance is good. Therapy for your husband is good, because you can make all the smart decisions, but it doesn’t mean it still doesn’t hurt when your parents pick a visibly toxic sibling over you, because you chose to call them on their s**t.

He’s going to need to talk to someone about it, and just help develop some coping tools. In the meantime, enjoy a day in your jammies until you head to your parents’ place. It’s not an under-rated way to spend Christmas, I assure you.

DiTrastevere −  Wow. His family is *deeply* dysfunctional. I think you’re better off just dropping the lot of them. But I definitely agree with therapy for your husband. This will be hard for him, since I imagine he still held out a bit of hope that someday, maybe, his parents would wake up and see his brother for who he really is.

That they’d be sorry for not supporting him when his brother was deliberately ruining his life. That there might be actual consequences someday for his brother’s behavior. Letting go of that hope, however faint it was, is going to be painful. If he’s not comfortable talking to you about it, then a neutral third party is a good idea.

Make sure to shop around until he finds one he clicks with. It may take a few tries, but it’ll be worth it if he can start unpacking his feelings about his family in a safe space. It sounds like there’s a lot buried in that baggage. There’s no shame in asking for help.

Wubbalubbadubbitydo −  What an a**hole. Your in laws are pathetically manipulated. He’s behavior is so f**king predictable it’s sad. The only defense I could see if you feel like you need to stick it to his parents. Is that you don’t give a s**t if it’s a joke and you aren’t childish for being offended.

And if they wanna condone in appropriate behavior from BIL they can do it without being in contact with you guys. But honestly this sounds like the pattern of the family. Golden child and s**pegoat. The golden child can get away with almost anything.

Demon_Misstress −  Your husband might be interested in /r/raisedbynarcissists. And for you there is /r/justnomil. And yes, therapy might benefit your husband, I wish both of you the best of luck.

OgusLaplop −  Therapy might help. Hugs, kisses, affection and intimacy maybe all he really needs. The real shame is that it seems the BIL has reproduced.

Do you think the family’s response was justified, or did they unfairly side with the brother-in-law? How would you navigate such a complex family dynamic while maintaining boundaries? Share your thoughts below!