Update: My BF[21M] is not handling me [22F] going to Law School Well

A Redditor has made the tough decision to break up with her boyfriend of several years after realizing that their relationship couldn’t thrive under the pressures of law school. Despite verbal commitments from him to change, he couldn’t adapt to her new reality, leaving her with no choice but to prioritize her education and future. The emotional conversation was painful, but ultimately necessary. Read the full story below for more on her journey of self-discovery and relationship closure.

‘ Update: My BF[21M] is not handling me [22F] going to Law School Well’

Hey everyone, If I missed your comment on my last post i’m really sorry and I’ve just been super busy with law school as well as my relationship. I decided to take a week to let things settle in even further. I made it explicitly clear that his behavior wasn’t ok and we needed a change if this relationship was going to survive.

Verbally he was on board, but after 24 hours it really fell apart. Tonight, I pulled the plug. It was hard, and awful because I do love him and I will always love him but we are no longer in love.

He asked me what I wanted, and I said I wanted him to be ok with less communication and be confident in our relationship, so that I could be at school guilt free. I asked him what he wanted, and he said he wanted more of my time, communication and energy.

His wants had nothing to do with what was best for me, or would make me happiest. That was really hard to hear and we both cried for awhile when I pointed that out. He understood, he saw it coming and he didn’t beg or fight it. We just cried.

So anyway, I wanted to say thank you to EVERYONE who reached out to me. Seriously, it made me feel like I was actually in control of the situation and not crazy for walking away. Thank you for being a community that validates others feelings and is honest and truthful. Now, I’m gonna go shower and watch stupid shows on netflix.

**TL:DR Broke up with my boyfriend when he couldn’t adjust to the lack of free time I now had in law school.**

Edit 1: Wow. I never thought this post was going to explode like this – in fact, it was locked originally by a mod. With that being said, I’m going to ask the mods to lock it again. For everyone, this has been an incredible discussion and I have read all of it. For those who are supportive, thank you!

For those who are on the team that I’m a h**ocrite – sure! Fine! I’m completely ok with that. If I had the time and energy to argue how badly phrased I wrote last night, I probably wouldn’t be single right now. Any way, thank you reddit! You guys are wonderful.

Edit 2: Still waiting for the post to be locked, but trying to respond to as many comments as I can.. ​

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

OliveBranchMLP −  ~~I feel like I should point out that your wants didn’t have much to do with what was best for him or would make him happiest either.~~ ~~I’m not saying this to be combative or to shift the blame over to you or make you feel guilty or anything like that.

The point I’m trying to illustrate is that this is neither of your faults, and neither of you did anything wrong. You both just want different things in life and have conflicting expectations for your relationship that can’t be reconciled.~~

~~The fact that you still care for each other and cried for each other is proof that this is the case. You’re being pulled apart not because either of you are bad people to each other, but because your lives and your ambitions have different trajectories.~~

~~So please don’t hold his expectations for a relationship against him, in the same way that you wouldn’t want him to hold your decision to leave for law school against you. That animosity doesn’t have to exist. You can still be friends without blame.~~

**Edit:** HaHAAA, BOY did I f**k up. Several commenters have pointed out to me that he was obnoxiously c**ngy and downright codependent, with some examples cited from OP’s first post. Admittedly I neglected to read the original, and did not have a full context of the situation. That is my fault, and I apologize.

Now that I have read it, I completely agree that he was exceptionally needy and has an *enormous* amount of growing up to do. He is immature, overly-dependent, and not really making much meaningful effort to be better.

In normal circumstances, my original comment would apply, and I wholeheartedly encourage people to examine their relationships to see if it may be the case. I’ve seen best friends tragically morph into bitter enemies because they were simply looking for different things in relationships and didn’t realize it until after they had committed and let it create a rift between them and the one they once loved more than anyone else in the world.

OP’s situation is **not** one of those circumstances. Admittedly, my experiences are what made me leap to the conclusion I did. It was presumptuous of me, and I’m starting to realize that my assumption has likely led to a lot of heartache, criticism, and accusations of hypocrisy on OP’s part.

This is absolutely unacceptable. I made an awful mistake, and I take full responsibility for it. I would implore everyone reading this not to do what I did, but since it’s becoming abundantly clear that I’m not the only fool who neglected to read her original post, I’m going to highlight a few things from it that further clarifies the situation:

He can’t manage to show up in a timely fashion for anything, can’t keep a part time job and whines the moment he isn’t entertained. He is also whole heartedly way too reliant on me.

Stupid s**t like “Should I go grocery shopping right now or go to the gym?” And i’m like, “Why does my opinion matter? This isn’t something I should have an opinion in.” Because it’s really not. **What would happen whenever I refused to answer is he just wouldn’t do either option and just lay around all day.**

**In a 36 hour period, he texted me “What are you doing” 17 times. 17 bloody times**. I ended up face timing him and was like this is unreasonable, unhealthy and needs to stop immediately. He seemed to hear it but a few days later, he’s back at texting me several times a day to ask what i’m doing.

Every time i’ve talked to him in the last 10 days we’ve gotten into a fight. **Everything from a full blown fight to passive aggressive squabbles**. It’s reached the point that the moment he starts being passive aggressive, I just say I have to go and hang up.

I’m so brain dead that staring at a wall and doing nothing is actually relieving, I don’t have the energy to constantly fight with him and deal with passive aggressive comments. He’s like, “Why don’t you FaceTime me more often?” Because **every time we talk, we fight or you harass me about when is the next time we are going to see each other**.

wanted to know if he could come up and stay in my new apartment for my first week of law school. I said heck no. I genuinely am gone all day, i’m exhausted and I need to be making friends with my colleagues and adjusting to my new city and life.

This didn’t settle well and he’s asked probably every other time we’ve talked about when he can come visit. I genuinely can’t even gather the free brain cells to think about what to have for dinner, let alone when I can squeeze in time for a visitor and the amount of pre-work I would have to do.

With all of that in mind, OP absolutely did the right thing, and it couldn’t have been any more timely. The way I see it, he wasn’t getting something he wanted from her, so he was resorting to passive-aggressive behavior in an attempt to shame her into sacrificing all of her independence,

her ambition, and her attempts to make a life for herself in order to lavish him with as much attention as he wanted. No matter how you look at it, this is emotional manipulation, plain and simple.

Either he is hopelessly naive or consciously malicious, because no one in their right mind would think that forcing the one you love to return from 8 long hours of non stop studying to over a dozen texts asking where they’ve been is in any way benign, especially after it’s been warned against in the past.

Even if you take the former optimistic answer that he’s just an i**ot, it is still completely and utterly unacceptable, and he has a lot of learning to do before he’s ready for another relationship. But if you take the more cyncical latter answer, she didn’t just escape an overly-attached boyfriend; she deftly evaded a malicious attempt to drag her into an endless cycle of abuse.

Either way, OP saw it for exactly what it was and she would not have any of it. She asserted her agency, and it shouldn’t just be accepted, but celebrated. Like, g**damn. If only more women (and men!) had her willpower and foresight.

If more abusers were more conscious (or caring) of the pain they were inflicting upon the ones they supposedly loved. And if only we, us so-called “relationship experts”,

would do more to empower the victims of abuse, instead of criticizing them for not being “more understanding” or “more patient” for the benefit of their abusers. Thank you to everyone who was willing to confront me with what I was doing. And to OP, I’m so sorry. You are not a h**ocrite. You’re an inspiration.

[Reddit User] −  Sounds like the right result, law school is no joke. Especially if you’re interested in corporate/big law/ white shoe firms. The fact he didn’t fight it actually shows that maybe he wasn’t so immature, you guys just had different needs from a relationship, which is fair. I’m not a text all day person when I’m busy either, whereas some people do it to keep them sane. Incompatible, best to both move on and be happier

my-best-guess −  His wants had nothing to do with what was best for me, or would make me happiest. Isn’t the reverse also true though?

Useless_lesbian −  You said his wants have nothing to do with what is best for you, but is the opposite true? I read your original post and it sounds like you fell out of love quickly and that he is just bothering you constantly. I think it’s good you two broke up

futurephysician −  My ex was like this when I started medical school. We ended up breaking up. I should have broken up with him sooner. You made the right decision, kudos!

yuhkih −  You made the right choice. I had this same problem when I went to college and I still tried to make it work. In retrospect it was a huge waste of time and energy for me.

Dakkaboy123 −  Sometimes you just have to put your needs over the needs of others. Law is time consuming so will a job be in the legal field. You will definitely need to find a partner who can understand this and be accommodating of such things. He could clearly not accommodate such things. Besides that i wish you luck with your studies.

little_pickle7 −  Hey I read your first post and I just want to say even though it was hard you did the right thing. I also just started my first year of law school and my husband has been an angel. No sending messages or bothering me, cooking for me, encouraging me to study and driving me all over the place.

The kind of behavior your boyfriend was exhibiting was unacceptable. The right person will support you and won’t complain while doing it either! Good luck in your 1l year, we’ve got this!!!

DoLittlest −  In five to ten years, you’ll look back at this as one of the best decisions of your life.

BoldBlackManta −  Lots of people here commenting having read the update only and not the original. You did the right thing. Your ex texted you “what are you doing” *17 times in 36 hours* and *couldn’t go grocery shopping without asking you first*.

He wasn’t just asking for more communication on a reasonable level. He was asking for more than most people who *aren’t* going to law school can give.

Sometimes, putting your own happiness and goals first means making difficult decisions, especially when your partner can’t align with the changes you’re going through. Have you ever had to make a similar choice? How do you balance personal growth with a relationship’s needs? Share your experiences and thoughts in the comments.