Update: My [36M] wife [34F] keeps tying my boots after I’ve told her to keep her hands off of them. I tried to teach her a lesson and really hurt her feelings.
A Reddit user (36M) shared an update about resolving a conflict with his wife (34F) stemming from her compulsion to organize his EMT gear, particularly his boots, despite his warnings.
After a heartfelt conversation and powerful demonstrations of the stakes of his work, his wife began to understand the critical nature of his gear being untouched. They are now working on deeper issues, including her OCD tendencies and past trauma, with a commitment to improving their marriage. Read the full story below.
‘ Update: My [36M] wife [34F] keeps tying my boots after I’ve told her to keep her hands off of them. I tried to teach her a lesson and really hurt her feelings.’
I’ve gotten a few requests for update but didn’t want to post until I felt like I really had anything to say. A lot has happened in the past two weeks so I’m going to try to go over it as best I can.
My wife and I started talking again. We had a very serious conversation and I did apologize for what I did to her running shoes, and then I told her I had to speak some truth and I wanted her to promise me that she wasn’t going to roll her eyes, interrupt me, scoff, or get sarcastic with me, which she did.
I told her that I was not kidding about my boots, that while most of the time I caught geriatric transports, falls, and nausea, there were instances where response time was of the essence and I didn’t have time to play around with my boots in the middle of the night.
I told her that there have been times when my intervention has been critical in saving a life, when my training has helped me recognize an underlying emergency, or when a call I made ensured that a patient was prioritized upon arrival at the hospital.
I explained that a lot of the s**t I see, I don’t tell her about because I don’t want to give her nightmares or make her worry about me. She actually listened and didn’t dismiss what I had to say. She responded that she was trying to help by keeping things neat.
I responded, “But you’re not. Sweetie, I’m not trying to be mean, but you’re not helping. You’re hindering me. One day it may be the difference between life and d**th. I need you to not touch my gear. It’s where I know where it is, it’s where I can easily find it in a short amount of time, and if you move it, you are impeding an emergency response.
I don’t care if it looks neat. It serves a function, it doesn’t look pretty. If you want to help me, please leave my gear where I put it.” A few nights later I had my friend Officer Rich come over. Officer Rich was one of the two cops that did CPR on the victim that night. The three of us sat on our deck and had a few social distancing beers.
He talked about getting there, doing CPR, giving Narcan, waiting for the ambulance and getting her back shortly before we got there. He then pulled out a few photos of car accidents that I had worked. He showed them to my wife and pointed out, “This car went into a tree.
Your husband crawled into the wreck, put a collar on the driver, and stayed in there giving him oxygen until we could get him out.” “Your husband pulled a three year old out of this wreck.” “Your husband recognized that the driver had a stroke and took her to a stroke center, which likely saved her life.”
After that, I told her I had something I wanted to show her and I asked her for the same promise I’d asked earlier. When she agreed, I showed her a video on YouTube of a police bodycam from an overdose. This video showed how critical time is in getting someone back, and the training someone goes through in order to give the d**g, do CPR, and utilize an AED.
I told her, “I’m not trying to attack you, I don’t want to have a fight, but I want you to understand what I go through. That I hope every call I go on is transporting a boo boo, because otherwise it means that if I don’t do everything right someone could die.
If I don’t get out that door as quickly as possible, someone could suffer brain damage while they’re waiting for me to give them oxygen. If I’m upset and shaking because I had to waste time opening my boots, I might miss something critical and someone might not make it.”
She acknowledged that she understood and told me she hadn’t really thought about the danger of what I do until the other night when she saw the photos of the wrecks. I told her that I think she has OCD and needs to see a therapist because it’s hurting our marriage. I listed examples of her throwing important things out, moving things without permission, and messing with my gear. I offered to go together and said I’d be willing to work on things together.
After I pointed out the pattern, she agreed that it was time to speak to someone. She wants to think about whether she wants to go together or go by herself, but she has promised me that she’s going to try to change her patterns.
I brought up her saying she thought I was going to hit her, and she acknowledged she’d been with guys who flew off the handle with little provocation and scared her. That she’d never seen me get that angry and it triggered her because she didn’t think I was capable of blowing up like that.
She’s been very emotional lately and has been going through mood swings. She’s been worried about me going out on calls. The other day she started crying and said, “I hope you know how much I appreciate what you do.” Knock on wood, since we had the big talk, she hasn’t touched my boots.
Is everything resolved? Not by a longshot. But she seems to have a new appreciation for what I do. Thank you for all of your responses. I wound up not showing her the thread, because a lot of it was pretty harsh towards her. I recognize I cherry picked incidents that didn’t put her in the best light, and there’s a lot more to her and our marriage than that. She is the person I chose for the rest of my life, and I want us to work.
Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:
the_last_basselope − I’m glad things have worked out well so far, and I hope they continue to do so and that your wife gets the help she needs to be able to live more comfortably with her (potential) OCD (or whatever it turns out to be that drives her need for neatness).
zzzkitten − Thank you for the update. I’m so happy to read that she was understanding and that your conversation resulted in being so productive. Also, good for you for acknowledging your response and how that made her feel. Sounds wonderfully constructive for both of you. I wish you both all the best going forward!
femmemalin − I’m really glad you broached the OCD topic. With your last post and how upset she got when you pulled her laces out, you can just tell that’s on another level. I’m an INSANE neat freak, but I don’t compare to this. I’m so glad for you that she’s listening and getting therapy.
Feer_Nandah − I’m sorry it had to come down to you showing graphic/not pleasant stuff for her to understand how serious you were about the situation. But it feels like a good step has been taken, she’s acknowledging, open to getting help and that’s really good. Hopefully things improve more in the future.
sarsmiles − You gotta make sure she does therapy. That can’t be negotiable. She needs help.
June_Monroe − I really don’t understand the need to see pictures or have some else tell you so that they can understand.. I hope she gets help.
carole0708 − Yeah, I don’t know. You explained it so many times. It’s like she’s slow or just an a**hole. Hope she really goes to therapy and that things get better.
sixtonsofsheep − It’s so good to see people responding with communication and open honestly with each other. I’m so happy you two were able to start moving forward together, I wish you all the best
d0n7w0rry4b0u717 − I brought up her saying she thought I was going to hit her, and she acknowledged she’d been with guys who flew off the handle with little provocation and scared her. That she’d never seen me get that angry and it triggered her because she didn’t think I was capable of blowing up like that.
When you talked about that moment in your 1st post, I suspected this was the case. I had a similar experience with my boyfriend. I had a rough upbringing and because of that, there are certain things that’ll trigger me. Years ago there was one time where my boyfriend got incredibly angry.
I want into a panic attack and when he moved I flinched because I thought I was about to be hit. Of course I wasn’t though and I know he’d never hurt me but I still felt like I was in danger because my past messed me up. Fortunately my boyfriend realized what was happening, calmed down, and just held me trying to make me feel safe again.
zodar − What kind of person needs visual aids to be convinced that neatness is not a f**king priority when it comes to emergency response time?
How do you navigate sensitive conversations about deeply personal habits or fears in a relationship? Have you faced similar challenges with a partner and found ways to grow together? Share your thoughts and experiences below.