[Update] My (34M) wife (31F) is having a meltdown over our daughter’s personality and I don’t know what to do. What should I do?

A Redditor shared an update on the ongoing conflict between their wife and stepdaughter. After a week of tension, the Redditor had a heart-to-heart conversation with his wife, uncovering that her emotional outbursts stemmed from her deep desire to create a family, as she feels isolated and estranged from her relatives.

While she hoped her daughter would fulfill this role by marrying and having children, she admitted her pressures were misdirected. In therapy, she is learning to view her daughter as an individual rather than a means to an end. Meanwhile, the daughter remains mostly unaffected, though a little annoyed, and continues her own therapy.

The wife and daughter have begun to reconnect, and after a heartfelt apology and a shared bonding activity, they are making strides toward a healthier relationship. The Redditor remains cautious but hopeful. Read the full story below…

For those who want to read the previous part: https://aita.pics/HoqEf

‘ [Update] My (34M) wife (31F) is having a meltdown over our daughter’s personality and I don’t know what to do. What should I do?’

It’s been about a week since I last posted about how my wife was having a meltdown over how my daughter chose to dress. Two nights after I posted, I sat my wife down and very bluntly asked her what exactly the problem was.

She kept saying she just wanted a daughter who was similar to her, but after I kept asking she broke down and admitted the real reason why she was having her meltdowns. My wife feels that her daughter is the only way for her to have more family in the future.

She’s estranged from her siblings, her parents don’t speak much to her, and all of her friends from highschool stopped talking to her after her pregnancy. She wants a family back, and she’s hoping that her daughter will marry a nice boy and give her grandkids so she can have a family again.

She said she never brought up having more kids with me because she figured I’d be against the idea. I don’t know how I feel about having more kids with my wife, but it certainly won’t happen now. So my wife is in therapy to try and get her to realize that she can’t just view my daughter as a way to create a family.

She’s doing well so far, but it’s too soon to really tell. My daughter is also in therapy. She’s been in therapy since she was a kid for b**lying issues, but now her therapist is trying to focus on the meltdown situation with her.

My daughter actually seems relatively unaffected by this whole situation other than a little annoyed, so I don’t know if that’s good or not.
I took my daughter to Hot Topic for some back to school accessories and then took her out to eat, just the two of us. She’s still excited to go back to school, she misses her friends and her clubs.

My wife and daughter have started talking normally again. They had a long talk, which I was present for, where my wife apologized for being so pushy and extreme with her wishes. My daughter was well receptive to this talk and seems to be back to her normal self, I am keeping an eye on both of them to be sure.

My wife is doing her best to understand my daughter’s interests. Last I know the two were watching some slasher TV show on Hulu as a way to bond, and it appears to be working. There isn’t any bad blood between the two.

I know things are soon, and that things can change, but so far everything appears to be smoothing over pretty well. Thank you for all the advice, harsh and gentle, that I reviewed through my original post. It definitely slapped me in the face as what could happen if I didn’t get both of them help and make them talk it out.

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

EthanEpiale −  Just so your wife knows, like, plenty of goths go on to have families lol. I was the kid in high school who wore nothing but black and Tripp pants and spiked leather bracelets, and I’m happily married with a kid.

Some of the most friendly, loving parents I know have very goth-y aesthetics, and you can see examples of that decently frequently on social media if you look into it. Really I think it’s an issue of wife being immature and not processing that high school stereotypes from the 90s aren’t real.

Glamonster −  Wife’s reasoning is so weird, the daughter being goth would not stop her from settling down and having kids and her becoming “normal” would not guarantee she would even want to have kids.

lonely-unicorn77 −  A lot of people are saying “just because she’s goth doesn’t mean she won’t have a family and kids!” and while that’s true, it’s missing the forest for the trees. The mom is treating her daughter like a future incubator.

THAT is the most pressing issue and that is the one that needs to be addressed by you and by your wife’s therapist. She reacted in this insane way to your daughter being goth/alt – imagine how she will react if your daughter ends up gay, or even just childfree?

Please protect your daughter from this pressure, it is very very damaging. Your wife needs to be able to see your daughter as a fully formed human who will make her own decisions – if she can’t do that, if she can’t come to terms with her daughter being her own person, then you NEED to protect your daughter from your wife.

antediluvian_me −  I remember your post! I’m glad things are improving and that everyone in the family seems to be invested. Thanks for the update!

HortenseDaigle −  As someone who dealt with this kind of r**ection at home I would be cautious to say they are okay. Daughter may be gray-rocking or keeping a flat effect to put some kind of buffer between her and her mom.

I never trusted my mom due to her disapproval of my clothing/style choices. I wasn’t even that extreme. I just liked androgynous clothing and blue.

DrKittyLovah −  This is a great example of how emotional growth gets stunted when a young teenager becomes a mother, and how it can really negatively affect the kid who had no choice in the matter.

Instead of becoming her own person naturally your wife had to stop paying attention to herself & focus on learning to be a mom without support, and her development was severely stunted as a result. I’m so happy your daughter has you, OP. You are probably the reason your daughter is so well-adjusted despite having an unstable mom.

CheapChallenge −  she figured I’d be against the idea. I don’t know how I feel about having more kids with my wife. How the hell did you guys NOT have the conversation about how many children you two want? That is shocking to hear.

nopethisissodumb −  So…almost everyone that has known your wife has cut her out of their lives? It sounds that she also needs to be focusing on that at therapy. Because whatever is causing people to avoid a relationship with her is likely going to cause more problems between your wife and daughter in the future.

ketchikan78 −  Good job dad, I wish you the best.

reality_junkie_xo −  Thank you for really taking people’s comments to heart and advocating for your daughter. As the daughter whose dad told her to “be the bigger person” in high school,

when my mom screamed at me and told me she wished I was never born for literally no reason (other than probably undiagnosed mental health issues, but heaven forbid anything be wrong with her)… I know it takes some guts to prioritize your kid over your spouse.

It’s heartening to see families making progress after facing difficult situations. Do you think this reconciliation will last, or is there still more work to be done? What do you think of the wife’s approach to learning about her daughter’s interests? Share your thoughts below!