[UPDATE] My [32F] boyfriend [32M] doesn’t see my long commute as part of my contribution to chores and my patience is wearing thin

A Redditor provides a heartbreaking update on her relationship with her boyfriend, who, after months of tension over her long commute and shared responsibilities, dropped the bombshell during couples therapy that he thinks they should live in separate apartments. This news came during an already emotionally difficult time as she also faces concerns about her cat’s health. Read the full update below for more details.

‘ [UPDATE] My [32F] boyfriend [32M] doesn’t see my long commute as part of my contribution to chores and my patience is wearing thin’

I took your advice and told him we needed to work this out now – no more kicking the can down the road with “I’ll think about it”s. I told him this on Friday and said to take the weekend and think things over and that we could talk about it when I got home – either together on Sunday (when I got back from visiting family) or in couples counseling on Monday.

He opted to talk about it on Monday in therapy and made it seem like everything was fine in the meantime and then in therapy dropped the bomb on me that he thinks we should live in separate apartments but not break up.

So essentially – I live close to my work and he lives close to his. Note that he doesn’t have a car and the closest train station is a 30-40 minute drive away from where I’d be. He doesn’t compromise in any way and I’m supposed to believe this isn’t a prelude to a breakup.

I already feel like such a fool for having done this for almost 2 years because I thought we were building towards something together. Thank you to everyone that commented on my previous post urging me to tackle this sooner rather than later.

This monumentally sucks and I’ve been crying for hours (did I mention that my cat is going in for tests today to see if she has cancer? And this is the timing he chose to pull the rug out from under our relationship?) but at least now I know I guess.

TLDR: I have a 2-3 hour daily commute which I’ve been doing for close to 2 years while boyfriend walks to work. Tensions have been rising due to distribution of chores and free time. I asked if we could move somewhere halfway between our respective workplaces when the lease is up in May and boyfriend opted instead to tell me to move out to my own apartment if I want to continue in this relationship..

EDIT: Thank you so much to everyone that has responded to this update post. My original post got a handful of comments and this update post blew up and I’ve been so touched by the kindness I’ve seen here. Even for those that said less than kind things – thank you too.

I posted not for an echo chamber but to get all opinions and I appreciate the dissenting views as well. You have all given me a lot to think about and I’ll do my best to respond to everyone but please be patient with me as it may take me some time.. Again thank you 🙂

These are the responses from Reddit users:

BrieThirty −  “We teach people how to treat us.” – it’s super corny but also very true. This sounds like one of those relationships a person gets out of and is then able to meet someone with whom they are compatible and can be happy. You gotta start asking for more for yourself.

From yourself and from your choices \[in partners\]. This guy has shown you what effort he’s willing to put toward being your **partner** in this relationship. He’s suggesting you move out. Move out. Break up. Make yourself your first priority and stay busy.

You will meet someone else who is dying to make you happy and who appreciates all you do for them. This guy would rather ask you to move out than make adjustments to the relationship to help you be happy. Oh, and 100% take the cat with you. No discussion. It’s your cat. You take care of it.

[Reddit User] −  What a selfish c**ard.

PM_ME_UR_FINGER −  I seriously doubt he wants to stay in a relationship with you. If he says he wants to live separately but not break up, he probably wants to wait until it’s more convenient for him to end the relationship, or he is afraid and waiting for you to end it first. I speak from experience because I was once immature and selfish like your boyfriend.

google_me_now_reddit −  I remember your post. Still doesn’t look like he will change. Especially at 32 and he wont compromise with you. It’s not right. You really got to think if you want this to be another 2 years like this. If he isn’t willing to change or help you out, then you have to cut it off. Leaving in separate apartments wont change nothing.

He will keep his habits at his new place. But I think you should break it off. You are emotionally drain and just fed up. Don’t live your life like this for another 2 years. I’m also sorry about your cat.

Arya_kidding_me −  You guys aren’t compatible and may be better off separating – but that doesn’t mean you wasted 2 years. You learned a lot in those two years about what you need and want out of a partner, and you’ll use that knowledge to find someone you’re more compatible with.

Yes, you love each other- but that is the baseline for being in a relationship. Love on its own doesn’t make a relationship good- for that you need trust, respect, care, help, etc. It doesn’t sound like you guys have that stuff – neither of you feel taken care of, neither of you trust that the other has your best interests at heart, etc.

Cut the cord and take care of yourself and your cat. You can do this, and you’ll be better off from handling these challenges as well. It will be hard, but you’ll be stronger and it will help you appreciate good times and good people that much more.

Grammaronpoint −  Sounds like you both would be better off out of this relationship. He’s got no regard for you because he likely doesn’t value you as much as he should. Time to move along.

joygirl007 −  I’m sorry about your cat – fingers crossed for a good outcome. D**p this l**er. He doesn’t have your back and you don’t need his selfishness complicating your life right now.

Technomage1 −  Well, perhaps he doesn’t see this as a prelude to a break up, but you certainly have a right to. It’s clear he doesn’t value your relationship enough to compromise, and that’s fine.

Since he’s so kindly offered to take over the lease at no penalty, take him up on the offer and start looking for places now. Be sure to let property management know, especially if your name is on the lease. Once you get the paperwork settled and move, well, let the relationship end.

xtlou −  What you’ve learned is that your relationship is one of convenience for your boyfriend: everything works fine as long as it works for him. Asking him to sacrifice his comfort or time to help reduce the burdens you were facing showed you his investment into your partnership: pretty much none. You want a partner who will share worlds with you, not allow you to exist in his.

While two years isn’t an insignificant amount of time, it’s a fair amount of time to invest in a relationship to find out someone’s true nature and now you know it’s time to focus on yourself. Live where you want to live, reclaim three hours a day, spend time with your cats (and I hope things go well there) and move on.

You’re about to have an easy 15 hours a week open up in your life. It‘ll give you time to review and automate as much as possible (like subscriptions to cat food delivery, for example) and reduce the wear and tear on your car and well as upkeep demands. Getting those systems in order will help your pursuit of additional education.

latenerd −  Good for you! It took courage to tackle the problem head on and refuse to wait. A lot of us have wasted much more time than that in relationships that were headed nowhere. Hope your kitty is OK and wishing you much better days ahead.

Do you think the boyfriend’s suggestion of living separately is a clear indication of a breakup or a step toward finding balance? How would you approach a partner who isn’t willing to compromise on such a critical issue? Share your thoughts below!