UPDATE My 31m girlfriend 30f cries every time we sleep together ?

A Reddit user shared an update about their girlfriend (30F) crying every time they slept together, which led to a heartfelt conversation. The issue was rooted in her past trauma, specifically an assault that her mother blamed her for, leaving her with feelings of guilt and disgust. The user learned that their girlfriend feels pressured to please them and fears they would leave if she didn’t meet certain expectations, even though the user has expressed unconditional love.

They are now planning to attend couples counseling together to work through the issue, though the user feels hurt and conflicted about their girlfriend’s past secrecy and concerns for their relationship. To learn more about the situation and how others have responded, read the full story below.

‘ UPDATE My 31m girlfriend 30f cries every time we sleep together ?’

Hello again! I just want to take a moment and thank everyone who took the time and shared their insight. I hadn’t really considered all of the possibilities or realized that this was taking a huge toll on me as well. Anyways, onto the update, my girlfriend woke up after I posted and took a shower. I took that time to compose a list of things I wanted to say and how to say them.

When she got out I sat her down and we talked for a long time. To spare all the details I’ll keep it short and sweet. A lot of you assumed it was a trauma response due to some sort of s**ual abuse, you were half right. Others dug more into the religious side of things and you were also half right.

My girlfriend has a very strained relationship with her parents, I always assumed this was because she didn’t serve the church the way they wanted but I was so wrong. A few years before we met she was assaulted and went to her mom for help. Surprise surprise, her mom didn’t help.

In fact she made things a million times worse by blaming (let’s call her Hannah) Hannah and accusing her of being “impure” Hannah says that she’s felt guilty and “disgusting” ever since. She also said that she feels like I won’t stay if she doesn’t at least try to please me, even though I’ve made it clear that I don’t need it and love her no matter what.

About therapy, this was a little tricky but she’s willing to go as long as I come so we’re going to start couples counseling in a few days. I’m grateful that this went the way it did but I’m so incredibly angry for her. I want to be a calm and warm presence that makes her feel safe but it’s so hard now that I know all of this.

Im a little hurt that she didn’t share this with me sooner. Did she not feel safe with me? Did I do something to push her away? I love her and I’m in it for the long run but I’m not sure how to handle all of this. I’m also a little upset that she thought so little of me that I’d leave if she didn’t initiate.

I showed the original post to her and hand picked a couple of the kinder responses and she gave me permission to post an update. She also thanks all of you for putting her feeling into words. Anyways, thank you all again so much for your help!

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

DisconnectionNotice1 −  you did not do anything to cause her behavior. she already told someone once (her mum) and it was the worst possible outcome. she does not know how people will react, but she has a very bad example as a guideline. she trusted one person in her life who should love unconditionally already and it made her cautious. this has nothing to do with you.

I’m glad it worked out and you got her to go to therapy with you. good luck to you both!

FartMasterChamp −  I’m so happy that she has you. That poor girl has been through hell. Keep being a wonderful partner to her and she’ll start healing over time.. You’re a good dude, OP.

dart1126 −  Glad you talked and she opened up. Good luck to you both!

gdrom123 −  I’m happy you had a conversation with her. Please don’t blame yourself and think something is wrong with you for her not opening sooner. She went through a very traumatic experience and it’s not always easy to tell people no matter who they are or what they mean to you.

I think it’s great you’re joining her in therapy. I think you’ll discover that you’re not only a wonderful partner/person but you’ll also learn how trauma works and that you nor her are to blame for reluctance in opening up. I wish you both the best.. Edited for typos

SARASA05 −  I’m a F40+ who grew up in a very catholic household and my purity was so important to me. I’m sorry and understand why you’re taking things personally (that she didn’t share her experience with you earlier). But the shame women are made to feel from conservative religion and from our beloved and trusted families is so deeply engrained,

I think you haven’t grasped how deep and longterm that shame runs. You sound like an amazing, kind, thoughtful guy. Your gf is lucky but the religious and family change will probably take your gf a long time to grow away from but your support could really help her. Good luck to you both.

porcelain_owl −  I’m glad that you’re working through this together. “I’m a little hurt that she didn’t share this with me/upset that she thought so little of me…” While I understand this reaction, try not to take it personally. It’s not about you, it’s about her.

Being s**ually assaulted and then having the one person you should be able to trust turn it around on you like that does serious damage to your psyche, self esteem and the way you view the world. It’s not that she thinks so little of you, it’s that she *thinks so little of herself*. I’m sure she’s been torturing herself over this the entire time.

She can know logically that you’re a good man who wouldn’t leave, but logic doesn’t always matter when dealing with this kind of trauma. I think you’d probably benefit from your own individual therapy, as well. This is a lot to take in and it would help to have a neutral person to help you work through these feelings.

Wrengull −  Her not telling you doesn’t mean she doesn’t trust you. Such trauma often comes with shame, not only that when we speak about it, we have to remember it. For some that’s like reliving it. So many keep it at the back of our minds, as far as it can go and try to forget about it

wishingforarainyday −  I’m so glad you two talked about this and will start therapy together. I wish you both well.

Neacha −  Hopefully she just needs your support to help open the door for her because she really needs individual counseling.