UPDATE ‘My (28f) partner (28m) is convinced I am cheating

A Reddit user provides a devastating update on her relationship. After addressing her boyfriend’s suspicions of cheating, things initially improved. However, underlying controlling behaviors surfaced, and the situation took a horrifying turn when she discovered he had been unfaithful.

When she tried to leave, he became abusive, resulting in his arrest. The user is now staying with friends and processing the trauma. She reflects on the hidden signs of abuse that she overlooked, and how it all escalated unexpectedly. Read the full story below.

‘ UPDATE ‘My (28f) partner (28m) is convinced I am cheating’

So it got a bit of attention so I wanted to do an update. Plus s**t hit the fan over the last few days, so buckle yourselves in. After we spoke about the original issue, things did get better. Then, little fragments of other controlling behaviour started to come out.

I thought we could work through them. Until when things came to a head. I found out he had, in fact, cheated on me. When I attempted to leave him over this, he became very, very a**sive to the point where he was arrested. Three things, screamed, threatened me, trapped me in the house.

I’m crushed, but relieved I found out now. Staying with friends currently. Trying to process. So, I guess, if there’s a moral to the story – don’t ignore signs of abuse? But, I can’t help the sense that the escalation came out of nowhere, and how – before – if you’d tried to tell me this would have happened I would have laughed in your face. I guess I don’t know what I could have done to prevent this.

The original issue seemed to be able to be worked through, but was masking… this. Thank you to everyone who offered advice and support in my previous post. Apart from that one guy who thought I’d had a Freudian slip in one of my comments and became convinced I had, actually, cheated on my partner. Like I was a Scooby Doo villain. In retrospect, you can go f**k yourself.

Tl;dr boyfriend thought I was cheating, he was cheating, became a**sive, got arrested, I eacaped

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

WavesnMountains −  I’m so sorry that happened to you. Thank you for the update and reinforcing the idea that cheaters project their behavior onto innocent people

my-life-for_aiur −  Had a gf who was super jealous. I would have a 2 minute conversation with some girl and then she would say, “why don’t you just f**k her while you’re at it?”. Things like that. Turns out she was projecting and it was her that was cheating the whole time.

Damnbee −  Whenever I hear or read someone say “My partner has accused me of cheating out of nowhere” the truth is almost always that the partner is in fact the one who is cheating. Glad you figured it out and are now free of the situation. Good luck!

EverleighWay −  You couldn’t have done anything to prevent it, I don’t think. He got progressively worse, you got progressively concerned, you handled it like a rational person would. I would though, check in with a DV entity or a therapist who specializes in it, so that you can protect yourself from any further contact/abuse from this man.

Please be safe, OP. Just because he got arrested, doesn’t mean he realizes that he was wrong or that he knows you don’t owe him anything and that he should leave you alone.

elus −  Please get yourself tested for STIs if you were having unprotected intercourse with him.

[Reddit User] −  It really does sound simple, but honestly, when one person accuses you of cheating and you know there’s no rhyme or reason for them to say that, it’s 10/10 they are the cheaters.

So sorry OP. And it’s called “cycle of violence” or “cycle of abuse”. I’m so sorry you had to go through that. At least you have a strong friend network to rely on. If he’s arrested, I assume an automatic restraining order is placed on him. Make sure he (and you by not contacting him) respect that.

[Reddit User] −  I guess I don’t know what I could have done to prevent this. Nothing really. You sensed something was wrong with the accusations and asked for advice, and then when things went straight to 100 you got out. That’s about all you can do.

From your last post it sounded like insecurity, which can potentially be worked through, and by the time you realized it wasn’t he’d already dialed the crazy level up to batshit. There doesn’t always have to be a moral, sometimes people are simply insane and hide it well until they can’t anymore. Please don’t blame yourself for any of this.

KatCole7 −  The thing that highlighted what those early red flags were for me was group therapy with others who had been in a**sive relationships. You start to notice a pattern. Little things here and there. With time and reflection you will begin to realise that a lot of things you may have originally scratched your head at or thought ‘he’s just having a bad day, everyone does’ were actually red flags all along.

Something to remember going forward also, is that it’s ok to be empathetic and understanding and trying to give the benefit of the doubt. But use your own reactions to things as a guide. For example, if you were having the worst day ever maybe you would be snippy and not very nice, but it’s also likely that if it went that far you would apologise immediately.

jbug15 −  My baby daddy was this guy! So damn jealous, c**ngy and always accusing me of s**t. Turns out – he was cheating all along. Even had the balls to come back to me and try ask to start again even after impregnating the girl. I don’t know how people can be so selfish. Hope your situation gets better. Stay strong 💪

RemoteMeal −  The signs dont come out of nowhere, you just are too blind to see them. In my case I remember him getting upset over small things and one time early in our relationship he hit a wall with his hand for something not working the way he wanted and I thought “thats odd” but it was a major sign, and a bunch of other stuff that we brushed it off because why bother 🤷‍♀️. Its hard to think that way when u love someone.

It’s heartbreaking how quickly toxic behavior can escalate in relationships. Have you ever found yourself in a situation where the signs of abuse were unclear at first? How did you get out, and what helped you recognize the danger? Share your thoughts or experiences in the comments.