UPDATE : my [24f] partner [24m] doesn’t do things unless I specifically ask him to. It’s driving me insane?

A Reddit user updates their story about struggling with their partner’s lack of initiative in helping with household tasks. After discussing the issue and making a list of responsibilities, they’ve managed to create a more balanced partnership. With better communication and more shared tasks, their relationship and family life are now much happier. Read the original story below to see how open conversations led to positive change.

‘ UPDATE : my [24f] partner [24m] doesn’t do things unless I specifically ask him to. It’s driving me insane?’

Hey everyone, I wrote this post just over 2 month ago, and i got a lot of advice and help and thought I should do an update. I took a lot of your advice. I spoke to him about it again, and said we need to come up for a solution because I couldn’t go on with such little help anymore.

We wrote a list as someone had suggested . (Sorry I don’t know how to link usernames) and I wrote what I do and he wrote what he did. My list was much bigger than his and he said he didn’t realise How ‘unequal’ the lists were and he thought we were doing pretty much the same. He thanked me for everything I did, and said he’d change.

We take it in turns with the nappy changes and the story times etc and it’s working very well. Now we have certain things we both need to get done. He will bath the kids on the nights he’s home so he gets to spend more one on one time. He’ll read stories and is being much more involved.

I still do a lot which I’m fine with, (the things SAHP do) but I want to stay home with the kids and do the majority as I feel that’s what I’m happiest with doing. I’m just appreciative of the help he’s now giving me. I don’t feel alone anymore.

I think with a new baby and a toddler and working full time, it was getting a bit on top of him but we communicate better and when he’s feeling o**rwhelmed, I’ll do more and vice versa. I do think I have to ask him some things still, but I feel like that only happens when we have had a bit of a busy/hard day. but we have more of an understanding of one another now.

We also read the articles commenters recommended and that is definitely in the back of our mind. I do feel I got into the habit of doing things myself and would bathe and read, etc without really giving him that time and now I’m encouraging him even more to do things one on one with the kids.

As I was always there when he was spending time with them, I’m trying to make it where he actually gets alone time with them as well. As I think that was making him feel like a “secondary “ parent if that makes sense. He has a much better bond with the kids now, and we are all so much happier. As a family and us as a couple.

I might have missed things so if you wanna know anything else ill answer. I know this isn’t the most amazing update and it’s just a case of communicating better but you’ve all helped so much and I’m very appreciative. I love reddit! Thanks for all your comments/advice.

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

Lfalias −  I thought it was a pretty amazing update. Good for you.

EgoistHedonist −  It makes me so happy to read this kind of update. Good for you for communicating things and great that your partner listened and makes the effort so you both will be happier. This is the way to build lasting relationships <3

disifere −  A very wholesome update. Also good job for clearing it up with your partner!!

stayonthecloud −  This is wonderful. I see you’re still talking about “the help he’s now giving me.” Remember, this is not about him helping you. This is about both of you developing and maintaining an equitable partnership as parents and as a couple.

Being the SAHP does not mean all things parenting are your domain for him to help with, which I think you recognize, but it will be useful to the both of you if you watch for little ways where you may still have remnants of this mindset.

You’re moving in the right direction and kudos to both of you for working on this. It’s especially great that you’re both working to improve his bond with the kids.

piccolittle −  I missed your first post but this sounds like a wonderful update! I’m so happy you’ve been able to make some positive changes and particularly that you both used this process to self-reflect as well.

SheShrinks −  Another good thing to remember is that being in charge is also an item on the list. Partners often forget that because they don’t realise how much energy it takes to have pay attention to what needs to be done.

cocoagiant −  I’m glad things are working out for you guys.. This part stood out to me though: I’m just appreciative of the help he is now giving me. It might be useful to get out of this mindset. Yes, it is good he is stepping up, but it isn’t a favor to you, he is just finally doing his fair share.

vabirder −  This is absolutely an amazing update! It shows how communication has to be consciously and conscientiously worked at by both partners. And when it is, everyone’s happiness increases, and the hard work of raising a family becomes easier when an overall balance is achieved. You two are flexible as needed.

And you are not falling into the trap of excusing the breadwinner from all care of the children. And over time, the SAHP can take on some income producing work as well, if it is mutually agreed upon. And if you are applying the same teamwork on creating and maintaining a budget that you both agree upon, then you are exceptional.

Unfortunately, my partner and I were not great communicators, avoided resolving issues, and ended in divorce. Looking back, I can understand why we failed, since we both came from dysfunctional families. So I think you two are way ahead of the game of life, thanks to Reddit!

Narwhalofmischf −  Great update! I hate to say I’m working on not being the husband from the original post. Not saying your husband is a bad person he’s not at all! I was just ignorant to all the work my wife did. My wife has noticed improvement and I hope to keep doing better.

[Reddit User] −  How lovely that everything worked out so well. Cheers to you and your family, great job on communication.

Do you think open communication was the key to resolving this issue, or are there other ways to address inequality in shared responsibilities? How do you divide tasks in your own relationship? Share your thoughts below!