UPDATE: Me [36 M] married to my Wife [36 F] 11 years, and I can’t stop thinking about a girl I dated for 1 month 16 years ago.

After struggling with thoughts of a brief relationship from 16 years ago, a married man decided to address his feelings with his wife, framing them as part of a midlife crisis rather than dissatisfaction in their marriage. To his relief, his wife opened up about her own insecurities, leading them to reconnect and make positive changes together.

From improving their health to planning more quality time, they’ve turned a potentially troubling situation into an opportunity for growth. Read the full story below to see how they navigated this challenge.

‘ UPDATE: Me [36 M] married to my Wife [36 F] 11 years, and I can’t stop thinking about a girl I dated for 1 month 16 years ago.’

After my initial post, I felt overwhelmed by the situation I had shared. For context, I’d been struggling with persistent thoughts about a girl I briefly dated 16 years ago, despite being married to my incredible wife for 11 years. These feelings left me deeply unsettled.

I decided to open up to my wife, though I kept the details vague to avoid hurting her. I told her I was feeling stuck in a bit of a midlife crisis, reflecting too much on my past, and feeling a little down about myself. I emphasized that these thoughts weren’t about dissatisfaction with our relationship but rather my struggles with aging and longing for the person I used to be—both physically and mentally.

To my surprise (and relief), my wife shared that she had been feeling something similar. She confided that she’s been worried about her long-term health and misses the shape she was in before we had kids. It was a deeply vulnerable moment for both of us, but it sparked something positive.

We made a commitment to tackle these feelings together. We started by focusing on improving our health. We overhauled our eating habits, cutting out the junk we’d become too reliant on and focusing on healthier, more nourishing meals. We also invested in a treadmill, which has quickly become a centerpiece of our new routine.

Since then, I’ve been working out daily, and it’s made a world of difference—not just physically, but mentally. The obsessive ruminations I’d been battling have started to fade. I’m finding it easier to stay present and appreciate the life I have with my wife and kids.

We also realized that part of our malaise came from a lack of fun and connection outside of our daily routines. Life had become so focused on work, parenting, and household responsibilities that we’d stopped carving out time for enjoyment and relaxation. So, we planned a nice vacation together—something we haven’t done in a while—and scheduled a few gatherings with close friends over the next few months.

These changes have already started to rekindle the spark in our marriage and helped us reconnect. My wife and I are laughing more, supporting each other in our goals, and rediscovering some of the energy and joy we had earlier in our relationship.

While I know I still have work to do on myself, I feel more hopeful now. Sharing even a little of my struggle with my wife and turning it into a shared effort to improve our lives has been a game-changer. I’m grateful for her understanding and the way we’ve turned what could have been a crisis into an opportunity to grow closer.

For anyone else going through something similar, I can’t recommend enough the importance of honest communication and focusing on actionable steps to improve your situation. Sometimes, the answers aren’t as far away as they seem.

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

[Reddit User] −  That’s a great update. I can promise you that the one month relationship would have never worked out, because it didn’t. And how it ended suggests that it never had staying power. I hope that getting into shape helps you both.

I think the pandemic also makes relationships tough because you’re likely no longer getting out and doing the things that brought you together (or, simply having time apart and separate interests).

At least that’s been the case with my marriage! I think that would make it tempting to fantasize about some other reality that “could have” been (but really, it could have never been).

Comprehensive-Bad-29 −  Aww, that’s great! Enjoy your fitness journey together and your vacation!

MenudoMenudo −  I learned a technique for getting stuff that keeps popping into your head to go away. It worked for me, and it helped my brother with something too. Step 1. Get a minimum of 15 minutes where you won’t be interrupted, sit down and start writing your thoughts on it down.

Write it down with an actual pen and paper – not on a computer. Just write whatever comes to mind, but keep writing for 15 minutes. If you run out of things to write, just repeat yourself, it’s fine.

Step 2. Burn the paper. Literally burn it. Careful not to burn your house down.
Step 3. Do this every day or every other day until you’ve done it at least 4 times.

The psychologist that told me this technique explained that often when you have thoughts that keep coming back over and over, it’s because instead of processing them to a conclusion, you’re stuck in a mental loop that is self-reinforcing.

By writing things down in an uninterrupted fashion, and in a method where you can be completely honest with yourself because you know no one will ever see it, you help yourself develop a mental path out of those thoughts. I’ve used this twice, and it’s worked both times.

Edit: Meant to add that personally, burning the paper felt cathartic too. Not sure if that actually is part of why it worked, but it felt good.

[Reddit User] −  Midlife crisis can be debilitating. Glad you guys are coming out stronger.

ontour4eternity −  Are you still obsessing over the girl from 16 years ago?

[Reddit User] −  Outstanding proactive choices by both of you! Bravo!

scene_missing −  This was a good choice. Often fleeting past loves seem magical in hindsight because you never had to deal with the long term stuff. You remember small bits in time, but that’s not realistic over the long term.

littlebigmama810 −  THIS is how you grow together instead of apart!

Bzrs −  I love the self-awareness with which you’ve approached this, and it appears you took the advice of others to heart. Way to go refocusing on the here and now. And recommitting to yourself in this way!

beans0913 −  That was such a refreshing update. A husband and wife communicated their feelings and came together to find a solution.. Well done .