(Update)- I (37f) want to divorce my husband (40m). But everyone keeps telling me I will die alone if I do so. What is the best course of action?
A woman provides an update after her LASIK surgery, during which she had a conversation with her husband about their ongoing divorce. Despite his temporary acts of kindness, which seemed motivated by wanting to regain her favor, she remains firm in her decision to divorce due to his infidelity.
Their children are struggling with the situation, particularly her oldest son, who is emotionally withdrawn. She is seeking advice on how to help her children cope and navigate co-parenting. Read her full update below.
‘ (Update)- I (37f) want to divorce my husband (40m). But everyone keeps telling me I will die alone if I do so. What is the best course of action?’
Hello everyone, just wanted to give a quick update. Recently I had my lasik operation done on my eyes. So I wasn’t available to answer all the PMs and comments. I wasn’t allowed screentime for 48-72hrs. But thanks to all of you who opened my eyes. I was having some doubts.
In my mind I was doing the right thing. But people were telling me I should reconsider. So it created a doubt whether I’m doing the right thing or not. But the comments from people has cleared it. So where are we? That’s the discussion I had with my stbx.
My stbx came to see me during my operation. I never asked him but he still came. He took me home after my operation. Since I wasn’t allowed to do put pressure or dust in eyes it made majority of the chores very difficult to do. But he did all my chores, starting from dusting, cooking and laundry.
He was with me reminding me to take my eye drops. It felt good. For once I thought I got my husband back. But I thought about this a lot. He never did anything like this unless I ask him to. He never did my portion of the chores even when I was sick with a flu. He is only doing this to be on my good side.
I don’t want someone who only acts nice only to gain something. Plus the messages he shared with his AP stil haunts me. It’s been imprinted in my brain. I don’t thinl doing 2 days worth of chores will make me forget the humiliation me and my kids went through because of him.
So I sat him down, it easier to talk to him wearing glasses. I told him I’m still going through with the divorce. I am not going to take his kids away from him. He is still their dad. I can never live under the same roof. Even if I take his advice and go to counselling together I would still never be able to let go of the fact that he cheated.
Our kids don’t deserve parents who resent the other. It’s better we part our ways and continue as a coparent. I did suggest counselling as a family so that we can be the best coparent. But as far as being married that’s out of the question. He can resent me all he wants but he still has to be there for the kids. He agreed.
Although I can see the sadness in his eyes. He said sorry for everything that he has done. He opened up about his affair. That he just thought it would be great. Because we got so stuck in our mundane lives that the affair was an escape. But he didn’t realize what he was losing.
He blocked his affair partner and ended his relationship with her. He acknowledges that not only he destroyed his marriage, but also ruined her career. He also stooped so low in his kid’s eyes. He also said he will never date again. I told him to not make promises he knows he cannot keep.
Another problem we are facing now is our kids. My oldest son knows what’s happening. Apparently the ruomors has reached his school. The teacher taught my middle child. So she also knows. My son is not talking to his dad. He even refused to eat the meal he cooked and has been living on peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
My other kids followed his lead. He refuses to talk to my stbx and it hurts him. I even caught him crying 1-2 times. I can understand what my kids are going through. I don’t want them to hate their dad. He is a crappy husband but a great dad. I don’t know what to do with them.
If you have suggestions please let me know. Also I cannot reply to all the comments because I’m only allowed 30 mins of screentime every 2 hours. But I will read the comments once I’m fully recovered.
Tldr: had lasik surgery. Had “the talk” with my stbx. We are still getting divorce. Kids still hate him.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
allycia85 − I’d get them to see a psychologist asap. The anger and resentment are normal, and it’s up to him to do the work to get their forgiveness. But they need a safe space in the meantime where to process it all and cope with the changes that are coming;
they have been exposed to grown up issues beyond their emotional understanding and a psychologist can help them through it. Congratulations for making the right choice for you and your kids in the long term, it’s not easy but future you will be so grateful of your strength now.
Jwizz313 − Let the kids have their feelings. They’re old enough to understand that level of betrayal. He didn’t just do it to you. He did it to the kids too. I just can’t get over the teacher part and I’m a stranger! I can only imagine how your kiddos feel.
Definitely do family therapy and let the therapist help them work through their feelings, and find their way back to their dad if that’s what they choose. Good on you for looking after yourself and kids. You’re a strong woman and good mom!
Traeyze − Unfortunately he isn’t the great father you hope he is. Part of cheating, part of choosing to destroy his life in the way he did, would very inevitably result in the kids being hurt. That’s part of what cheating does, ripples outwards. Your kids are feeling the full impact of his direct choice to hurt them. That’s the reality.
And that will take time. Emotionally they have a lot to deal with and individual therapy/counselling may be worthwhile. Especially for your son who is clearly taking this very hard and is being forced to face the reality loving people doesn’t stop them hurting you.
Your ex husband chose to hurt everyone in his life for ‘excitement’ or whatever. These are the ramifications of his choices. They may choose to hate him in the end for that.
disgruntledbirdie − He might have been a good dad at one point but a great parent doesn’t prioritize their libido over the well-being of their children. When you are a parent and choose to have an affair, not only are you saying you don’t care about the harm to your spouse, you are also saying you don’t care about how it will affect your children.
Destroying the stability of your child’s home over an affair is not something that a parent prioritizing their children would do, doing so with a teacher that taught your children is even worse. Your children will probably have some resentment, that’s natural. I would second others here and suggest counseling to help the children work through their complicated feelings about this.
Dear_Parsnip_6802 − He made a decision that destroyed his family. That doesn’t make him a great dad. Your kids are not stupid. They know he put s** with their teacher before their welfare. You should not pressure them to forgive him. That is their choice and they only thing they have control over. He humiliated them too. Imagine having to go to school every day and hear the whispers that their dad screwed the teacher.
[Reddit User] − How is he a great father? By fkn one of his kid’s teacher and destroying his family? Y’all be really needing to know and understand definitions
DoNotLickTheSteak − F**king run, in 6 months you’ll wish you did it years ago.
cgtyky − He is not the great father figure you thought he is. He did not think how would his children be affected after using one of their teacher to live an exciting opportunity! A good parent always would put their children first in their every selfish desire.
itsyaboi69_420 − Good on you for sticking to it! Don’t forget, a great dad would not cheat on their children’s mother! He is reaping what he sowed. Get your kids into therapy if you think that will help. Let a professional help them work through the trauma. If your kids hate him then so be it, *he* caused this.
tmchd − It’s only been 4 days. Your kids will recover later on. Right now, they’ve heard and are embarrassed of the reality that their father cheated on their mother…and with one of their teachers too. It’s going to take time (again, the whole thing imploded the last month so it’ll still take time to recover) for things to start being okay.
After you feel better, start getting into therapy for the whole family. I have a good friend, she was a single mother of 3 at 37. If she’s around your circle of friends, they’d probably think she can’t get a good man. But nope, she’s met her husband at 39 and married him at 40. The point being, it’s always possible to meet the right partner for you later on in life, even if you still have children. So the people trying to get you to stay are false.
Divorce can be a painful process, especially when children are involved. What are some ways to help kids process a parent’s affair and navigate co-parenting during such a challenging time? Share your thoughts and advice below.