UPDATE I (29F) set a boundary about marriage, but I’m worried my boyfriend (35M) has no intention of proposing—What should I do?
A Reddit user (29F) provides an update on her relationship with her boyfriend (35M) regarding her boundary about marriage. After sitting down for a conversation, she learned that her boyfriend remains unclear about the future, expressing unhappiness but unable to pinpoint specific problems.
When asked directly about marriage, he tensed up and claimed not to recall their previous conversation on the matter. Despite trying to clarify things, the user has come to the conclusion that the relationship isn’t leading anywhere, and she is now planning to leave.
She is no longer willing to wait for a commitment that isn’t forthcoming. Read the full update below to understand the details of her decision.
‘ UPDATE I (29F) set a boundary about marriage, but I’m worried my boyfriend (35M) has no intention of proposing—What should I do?’
As many of you have suggested I sat him down and had a conversation with him. I asked him how he felt about our relationship, about the issues he had previously brought up etc. (Many of you have asked what the “issues” were and I mentioned it in a comment below.
I was 7 months in to a high risk pregnancy, tired, stressed out, and working overtime to help save for our downpayment/house hunting when this conversation happened. I was unpleasant to be around and fighting with him over little things and he felt unhappy with me.
We closed on our house, I gave birth to our daughter, and went on my maternity leave and the fighting ended naturally. It was very much temporary issues during a stressful time in my life when I had a lot of pressure as I was handling most of the preparation for our new home/family on my own as he has a high stress job.)
I was told that he couldn’t compare before and now accurately because I was always busy with our daughter and school now so he doesn’t think it’s a “fair” comparison.
I pointed out that while yes, I am busy, I don’t see why that makes a difference as I’m balancing the stress of our family and my school well and not letting it affect me or my mood negatively. In the end he said we have new problems now.
He couldn’t quite put his finger on what they were apparently but that he was unhappy and would “let me know” when I did something that bothered him. At this point I wanted to put it all out on the table because I don’t want to make any assumptions so I asked him directly if he wanted to marry me and he said it wasn’t the time to be having that discussion and ended the conversation almost immediately after.
I mentioned our previous conversation/timeline to him and the second I mentioned marriage he tensed up and told me he doesn’t recall our conversation at all. So that’s that I guess. (For those who were asking I wanted a simple courthouse wedding, nothing big or fancy. So finances were not a factor.)
Some people have suggested counseling, I don’t see the point in continuing to invest my time and money in a relationship that is leading nowhere and am not interested in convincing him to marry me.
He has had plenty of time to make this decision and he can have all the time in the world for himself but I am not waiting anymore. I am very disappointed but also glad that I have clarity on the situation as it has been extremely stressful and distracting. I am planning on leaving and need to figure out exactly what that looks like and how it will work.
Here’s the comments of Reddit users:
mjot_007 − Wow, he definitely remembers that conversation, he was just hoping (stupidly) that you either wouldn’t remember yourself or you’d buy his excuse. Leaving is the right thing. He doesn’t want to marry you, but is too complacent in the relationship to leave either. Don’t fall for his guilt trips or last second proposals. Good luck!
HiddenTurtles − That sucks but is not surprising at all. Now you know and you can move forward with that information.. Good luck to you.
ExpressingThoughts − In the end he said we have new problems now. He couldn’t quite put his finger on what they were apparently but that he was unhappy Based on this, I think you are making the right decision.
If he has been feeling unhappy for most of your relationship, it sounds like he may never be happy in it, hence not wanting to talk about commitment with the hopes that maybe things will get better. Coupled with not even knowing why, I agree it may be best for you to leave.
If he was even a bit more proactive, like going to therapy or giving you reassurances that he sees a future with you, then there might be a chance but it doesn’t sound like that is the case.
backseat_adventurer − You seem to have handled that conversation really well. I’m glad he didn’t spin you a web of lies, either. I know it hurts but at least this will be a clean break. The one thing I will strongly recommend is that you don’t forsake your equity in the house. Sell it and split the profits equitably.
Too many women give up their assets when leaving a marriage or long-term relationship. They just want it to be over or want to avoid the stress of coming to an agreement. Inevitably, it is to their detriment. You’ve stated you don’t want to leave him homeless. That’s lovely but not very practical.
He’ll see his share in the profits which is more than fair. Don’t sell your future down the river out of misguided pity. This guy has had all the chances and it was on your dime. Focus on your future. You can find a partner who is your equal and as invested in your life together.
Don’t let the past cast shadows on your future financial security. As someone who works in the area, a law degree isn’t the automatic good little earner it used to be, so keep that in mind. Now is the time to prioritize yourself. Don’t feel guilty about it because you’ve more than done your duty to your ex.
CaptainBeefy79 − I bet you the i**ot quickly decides he’s ready to settle down now that he’s realized he’s effectively torpedoed the relationship 🤦♂️
Pretend_Atmosphere41 − I just read your first post. Your situation reminded me of the story of a friend of a friend. When she was in her yearly twenties, she met this guy, and they started dating. Both were finishing college. After college, they continued dating.
She always wanted to move things to more serious steps, but he would always say vague stuff like, “Now is not the time. We need to achieve X and Y in our careers…” it seems like a lot of the things you wrote your boyfriend saying.
One time he broke up with her because he told her he saw her just as a friend, a few months later he came back and asked her to try again he told her: “my life is miserable without you, you cook for me, you care for me, you do this and this and this for me and now I see your value”.
She said yes… her dream was to get married and have kids, but he would always move the timeline. First was theirs financial security, after they achieved he said oh but now I need to grow my company… One day she was washing his clothes and she found tickets to the movies, two tickets….
he was cheating, and a few weeks later, he broke up with her, moved with women that had a kid, and started playing dad to the kid, paying for the private school..Sorry for the long post, but this story helped me understand that when someone wants to take the relationship to the next level, they do it.
Your boyfriend is not going to change… he will always give you a vague answer and will change the goal line…
EfficiencyForsaken96 − I think you are making the right decision for your future.
Sad_Grapefruit_8838 − This is just bonkers! He has sealed a life time deal with you by making another human and he does not want to talk about marriage. Oh lord make it make sense.
Create a life for you and your baby and look at this situation as a life lesson. There is no way a man who wants to marry a woman waits 4-5 years to propose. i would argue 1-2 years max for proposal.
louisiana_lagniappe − I’m very proud of you. So many women on here are so deep in denial. You listened, you heard, and you are leaving. Good job!
thiscouldbemassive − It’s really too bad you waited until you had a kid and a house before having this conversation. But it’s best to get the ball rolling. Hopefully the house is only in his name and you can just walk right out the door and not have to worry about it, but if not it’s a seller’s market right now,
and hopefully you can get back most if not all of your investment. You can set up a coparenting plan once you are gone. If your family will take you back temporarily, that would be the best while you get your ducks in a row. Don’t worry about him being homeless. He can take care of himself.
Do you think the Reddit user made the right choice in deciding to leave the relationship given the lack of commitment from her boyfriend? How would you handle a situation where your partner is unwilling to make decisions about the future? Share your thoughts and advice in the comments below!