Update – I (28F) found out my husband (29M) has been telling his coworkers that I’m his sister. What do I do?

After discovering her husband lied to his coworkers for years, claiming she was his sister to fit into a toxic work culture, the wife confronts him and receives a convoluted explanation.

Though he expresses remorse and offers to quit his job, the deception’s scale leaves her questioning trust in their marriage and contemplating forgiveness or divorce.

For those who want to read the previous part: https://aita.pics/afbRa

‘ Update – I (28F) found out my husband (29M) has been telling his coworkers that I’m his sister. What do I do?’

Hi everyone. Thank you for the overwhelming support and advice on my first post—it meant so much to me and helped me stay grounded. This is my one and only update, so I’ll try to summarize everything while keeping it clear and detailed.

On Saturday morning, while my husband was hungover and sleeping, I decided to check his phone. I found nothing alarming in usual places like Instagram or iMessages, but when I checked his MS Teams app (hidden in a folder labeled “work”), things changed.

Searching “sis” revealed a message from Jake, a coworker, saying, “Ran into your sis at [the bar] on Fri. She’s single, right?” My husband replied, “Nah, she’s married.” My stomach dropped.

I searched further and found a group chat from two years ago where my husband sent photos from our anniversary trip to Bali, captioned, “Me and sis in Nusa Dua.” I was devastated. I took screenshots of everything, airdropped them to myself, and left to stay with my friend Sophie.

When I confronted him Sunday morning, he denied everything, feigned confusion, and tried to gaslight me. Only after I showed him proof did he break down. Later, he called me to “explain,” reading from a written speech.

Here’s the gist:

• He claimed his workplace is like a frat house, and admitting he was married would alienate him.
• In a panic, he told coworkers I was his sister when they saw my picture on his phone.
• The lie spiraled out of control as they kept asking about me. He admitted to sending the Bali photos deliberately to maintain the facade but claimed he always referred to me as “married” to discourage advances.
• He said he has never cheated but acknowledged inappropriate “banter” with female coworkers.
• He apologized profusely, offered to quit his job, and said he’d confess the truth to everyone.

I don’t know if I believe him. The lie is so massive and prolonged it makes me question everything. He seemed genuine in his remorse, and I know he’s susceptible to peer pressure, but his immaturity and cowardice are glaring.

For now, I’m staying at Sophie’s. I’ve told Josh I need time to think, and he’s agreed to give me space, even if it takes a year. I’m lost and unsure if I can ever trust him again. Right now, it’s between forgiveness and divorce, but I need clarity before deciding. Thank you again for your support. It’s been a lifeline during this chaotic and painful time.

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

AnonThrowAway072023 −  No, he can’t have been wearing your wedding ring for 3 yes and no one noticed! How about company benefits, are you on his health plans as married?!?!  You’d fuckin better be his beneficiary of retirement plan & life insurance!!

Justpassingthru63 −  Call Jake and start a conversation then ask him if your “brother” is popular with the ladies.

ForbiddenFruitiness −  Do keep in mind that he absolutely did try to gaslight you until it was clear that he wouldn’t get away with it. He didn’t just tell a massive lie, he made you feel crazy, hoping to protect it.

[Reddit User] −  I suspected this update might go this way. Im so sorry, and so glad you thought to send those screenshots to yourself, because what in the holy f**k?! Imagine if you hadn’t done that and he’d been successful in convincing you it didn’t exist. Nobody here can tell you what to do.

But we can tell you what HE should be doing. Lying to your face for YEARS and then acting that way when you confronted him ain’t it. Shushing you to read off his list of excuses then telling you to “take all the time you need” like he’s doing you the favor, ain’t it.

If this man wants to save this relationship he needs to EARN your trust back, and that means not just apologizing, but doing actual work. Has he offered you ideas on how he plans to fix this, beyond just coming clean to his coworkers, but how to make it up to you? Like maybe therapy to work on his apparent peer pressure problem?

Because that fuckup is big, but how he chooses to take (or not take) responsibility and fix it is even bigger.

Chaoticgood790 −  Girl he pretended to be single or years. So he could impress some losers at work. So help him out by making his lie the truth.

Expensive-Day-3551 −  I can’t imagine how you go 3 years without ever mentioning your significant other. What a pos.

gc2bwife −  He’s spent 3 years pretending to be single. Time for him to get a taste of what that’s actually like. There is absolutely no excuse to pretend to be a single fuckboy when he’s married. None. Even if he hasn’t slept with anyone else (and that’s a big if) he was ashamed of you

Girl you don’t deserve to be anyone’s secret. You deserve to be cherished and respected. This is absolutely disgusting and his tears mean nothing. He’s not upset about what he did; he’s upset that you caught him. He clearly had no intention of ever coming clean.

NorVanGee −  If you accept what he says he is still an extremely weak-minded manboy who disowned you at the first suggestion that it was convenient to do so, as well as a serial l**r. When confronted he wasn’t relieved, as though this was a pickle he didn’t know how to get out of.

Instead he sought to reinforce the lie. What does all of that say about his character? How can you ever trust him to do the right thing again? And how will you ever respect him again? I’m so sorry OP but I think you have to walk away, for your own well-being and self-respect. You deserve so much better.

Edited to add: only a s**iopath would send out vacation pictures of you two to the group chat as a way to build on the lie. A person who bumbles their way into this lie would talk about it as little as possible. Dude is a s**age pathological l**r at best.

Anonymous0212 −  He’s a child who hasn’t been able to set healthy boundaries for himself with a bunch of frat boys, *or to stop himself from flirting with other women.* I’m usually one to suggest going to marriage counseling, but could you really ever trust him again?

And that level of immaturity, his desperation to be accepted, his poor relationship and communication skills, and his lack of commitment to you and to the marriage can’t change overnight, even with counseling.