[Update] I (28f) am tired of fixing everything for husband (32m)

A Reddit user shared an update on their relationship after recognizing they were exhausted from constantly fixing issues for their husband. Despite initial efforts to address their struggles, their husband’s behavior didn’t improve, and the situation escalated to emotional abuse.

After a breakdown at work and some support from a coworker, the user distanced themselves from their husband. Eventually, they decided to pursue divorce after their husband drunkenly admitted to infidelity. Now, the user is focusing on their own healing with the help of an abuse counselor, while grappling with feelings of guilt and self-blame.

For those who want to read the previous part: https://aita.pics/IysHd

‘ [Update] I (28f) am tired of fixing everything for husband (32m)’

It’s been a few months since I posted about being exhausted by my husband’s lack of ability (will?) to makeup after arguments and/or saying cruel and hurtful things. Despite a brief period of “improvement” he quickly went back to his habit of what I considered a**sive tendencies.

I joined a support group shortly after my original post. A few weeks after that my coworker walked into our shared office and found me crying at my desk…again. I’ve been friends with CW for a while, careful to talk as little about my home life as possible and for some reason that day I just broke.

I let out years of feelings on the poor man and he just sat and listened. Him just being a kind human made me realize how bad I had let things get. Simple kindness is strange to me. People asking how I am and actually caring is a foreign concept that I distrust. I felt (and feel) stupid and pathetic.

In the past month I felt myself very drastically distancing myself from my husband. He became suspicious, went through my phone, and read my Ejournal. He was furious when he read that I spoke to CW about my feelings, accused me of cheating, and threatened divorce. This time I just said “fine”. So we’re done.

I moved into the guest room A few of the original commenters called BS on the autism excuse he used, they were right. A few nights after I moved into the guest room he stumbled in (very drunk) and said that he had been cheating on me. I don’t even care if its true. The second I agreed to the divorce I just felt relieved.

I also feel guilty for being relieved but the second I agreed, I realized his s\*\*t isn’t my problem anymore. I’m made regular appointments with an abuse counselor at my college who’s helping me sort through the nonsense I put myself through.

I blame myself largely for enabling his behavior, maybe if I had tried harder to communicate earlier in our marriage we could have fixed it. Or if I had not been so afraid of the fighting and avoided raising issues, we could have made it. I’m not sure but it’s not really relevant anymore.

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

maedocc −  I blame myself largely for enabling his behavior, maybe if I had tried harder to communicate earlier in our marriage we could have fixed it. Or if I had not been so afraid of the fighting and avoided raising issues, we could have made it. Nope.

It’s more likely that abusers prey on people who are like you: people pleasers who want to go with the flow, who make up excuses when people treat them badly, who have porous boundaries that are consistently violated, and who are empathetic and desperately want to believe in the best of people so they give second, third, fourth chances.

Just like a lion on the plains can sense the weakest, slowest gazelle, so can a**sive people sense potential victims.

[Reddit User] −  “I blame myself largely for enabling his behavior, maybe if I had tried harder to communicate earlier in our marriage we could have fixed it. Or if I had not been so afraid of the fighting and avoided raising issues, we could have made it. I’m not sure but it’s not really relevant anymore.”. ​

Maybe if he wasn’t such an a**sive person, your marriage may have had a chance, but otherwise no, not your fault he’s a garbage human being, don’t you forget that ok? You’re worth so much more than he made you think, once things have settled you’ll have the tools you need to avoid the next guy being a dud, and when you’re cherished properly you will flourish and love life again!

IthurielSpear −  You’re going to need a lawyer. Stat. He isn’t going to actually go through with initiating a divorce, he only used that threat to manipulate you. Abusers are most dangerous when their victim tries to flee. Please go to love is respect dot org and read read read. If you really plan to leave, you will need support.

Ps. Your situation sounds exactly like mine 20 years ago. I got out and have never been happier.

Fatharriet −  Good for you OP. Follow through, and enjoy your new life, you deserve better.

[Reddit User] −  I was going to suggest you leave him. Just saying. Sounds like you’ve got a time ahead, but seriously falling in love with yourself is such a wonderful experience.

NDaveT −  Your last paragraph before the tl;dr is concerning. You still seem to be thinking that if you had done something differently, he would have treated you better. That’s not how it works.

TheSludgiestThoughts −  As a person who’s autistic and also used to have a**sive tendencies (dad was a**sive, learned it from him) He had no excuse. No autistic person I’ve been with has never been this cruel. And I’ve never been this cruel.

I have baggage, and I still get autistic meltdowns, but I’ve learned to communicate and take preventative measures because it’s MY responsibility to be a good spouse to my husband. If I treated my husband the way your husband treated you I’d honestly hope my husband would leave. I’m SO SO SO glad you left.

You deserve so much better than that. There’s a part of me that hopes you don’t get a bad impression of autism because of this, but I know that that might take a long time because you were with your husband for 9 years. After reading this it makes me so happy that you’re going to get your happiness and emotional freedom back from this butthole.

tfresca −  Move out. Even if you have to stay with someone else. Nothing good comes from living with an ex.

steveo343 −  I went through something very similar. My ex has narcissistic personality disorder and being with him was hell. If you need someone to talk to, please don’t think twice about messaging me. It gets better, hang in there <3

unhappymedium −  It might not feel like it yet, but congratulations, OP! Don’t beat yourself up too much about the past. Focus on your future and healing.