UPDATE: I (28F) am getting tired of my bf (28M) getting upset over inoffensive things that I say?

A Reddit user shares the emotional journey of ending a relationship with her boyfriend, after enduring constant emotional abuse, insecurity, and controlling behavior. Despite initial romantic gestures, the relationship deteriorated, leaving her mentally exhausted.

After the breakup, she found relief and encourages others in similar situations to trust their instincts and move on for their well-being. Read the original story below to understand her experience and how she found the strength to walk away.

‘ UPDATE: I (28F) am getting tired of my bf (28M) getting upset over inoffensive things that I say?’

Well, Reddit. We broke up. Two weeks after I posted the above, we got into a fight because I was surprised to see him in the kitchen when I had just saw him in the bedroom. I said, “Oh you’re up!” He responded by rolling his eyes, shrugging his shoulders and demanding, “Is that a problem?!”

I said “Of course not, I was just surprised!” and went on to do the laundry. He left the kitchen and went into the bedroom. He gave me one-word answers when I tried talking to him. I guessed he needed time to himself so I went into the living room to call my friend. As I was talking to her I heard him leave the apartment.

After I finished talking to her about 20 minutes later, I went out to find him playing Pokemon Go. I tried talking to him like normal and he kept giving me one word answers, not looking at me. I finally asked him what was wrong. He said nothing. I said to tell me. He said he didn’t feel welcome in my apartment because of my “tone.”

For listeners who heard the previous fights, you’ll know my “tone” and the “wordings” of my sentences were things that triggered him a lot. Even if they were innocent statements like, “I thought you were traveling on Monday?” or anything else that somehow threatened him and made him immediately defensive.

Unlike other times, where we would launch into a fight that would last hours or DAYS because he would insist I would have a tone, I would say I didn’t mean it that way, and apologize, and it wasn’t enough, this time we managed to pass through it fairly unscathed (and due mostly to my patience, if I may say).

But then later that day he told me how annoying my indecision was. That I could never relax. That night I wanted to see some friends for a few hours because I had only interacted with him for several weeks at that point and I needed some social time. He said that was fine–he’s always said that would be fine (as if I needed his permission). So I went out.

25 minutes away from home and nearly at my destination, he messages me about how he feels lonely, he’s going back to his home country soon, he wishes I hadn’t gone out, we don’t have much time left together, we were supposed to spend the whole day together (this was news to me).

It takes a lot of effort for me to keep down the anxiety and just enjoy time with my friends before going home. We argue for two hours about it, even though there are several times when I point out he’s repeating himself, that HE said he didn’t even know he would feel that way so how could I anticipate his needs?

It occurred to me that he often would do that–wait until it was too late to change something, complain about it and make it my fault. Like when he accused me of leaving him alone to fend for himself at a party for an hour (it was 15 minutes, I was watching the clock knowing he was insecure and didn’t like social gatherings),

or that I was with my friend he didn’t like the whole time (I talked to my friend for less than 5 minutes the whole night because I had one eye on the clock and the other on my boyfriend). Why didn’t he get up and talk to me during the party and tell me that? Why did he wait until the party was over and we were home and he held it over my head?

Or the time we got back from a tropical island and he says he “wishes we could have relaxed more,” when I was the one who planned the trip and was driving and why did it not occur to him to tell me at any time he just wanted to relax somewhere? I thought it was relaxing because he was just in the car talking with me and playing Pokemon Go anyway while I was doing the driving, was it really not that relaxing?

Or that time he was mad at me ALL day because he thought I was mad at him and I had made some remark that he took personally (shock), and he didn’t tell me why he was being quiet until hours later and after I pryed and begged for him to tell me. This kind of s**t. All the time, you guys, holy s**t.

The day of the reckoning. He finally leaves my country. He’s back in his home country. Messages me how he feels like he failed us and he doesn’t want to be home. I respond compassionately but say he needs to get rest because he’s been traveling so long and hasn’t eaten and I wanted to give the discussion of his feelings the time and love they needed and we couldn’t when it was 3 AM there and he had to be up for work at 7 AM..

He goes cold. He goes to bed. He wakes up. Still cold. One-word answers. I’m used to it now.. But now I’m fed up. I call him out on his behavior. I tell him I’m sick of him going hot and cold with me. He says I didn’t “comfort” him the way he wanted me to. I reiterate what I had said. He reiterates that it’s not what he wanted to hear.

We break up later that day. We’re both sad. Despite the bad times we had good times too, otherwise it would have been easier to let go. I’m disappointed in myself for saying I still didn’t recognize the emotional abuse. I said we could try again. He says we couldn’t. We both cry. We both apologize. We both thank each other for the good times.

Next morning. He wakes up. Pissed. Mad I didn’t give him a chance. Mad he has nothing to show for our relationship. Mad at all the sacrifices he made. (Sidenote: after the last fight I posted about, he had said to me: “I look at all the sacrifices I’ve made and I wonder, what have you sacrificed?

Are you worth it?” To give you an idea, that is the most hurtful thing anyone has ever said to me, and it was the beginning of the end of our relationship. I opened up my home to him, cooked him vegetarian meals, tried to introduce him to other people so he didn’t feel lonely, took him out and explored the country with him, tried to cheer him up, planned all our trips…it was NEVER enough.

What was I sacrificing? My time. My energy. My mental health. My personal freedom. My social time with my friends. Everything.) It was like he always expected the worst in me, and would only ever see what he wanted to see.

So we haven’t talked since, after he chewed me up and spit me out and accused me of never listening to his feelings and always blaming him for everything. That I should have told him how I felt sooner, that I should have heard him out on an apology (that he apparently had no intention to actually get better from, just feel bad that it happened at all and repeat the same behaviors as infinitum).

If any of this rings true to you…please get out. I started reading, “Why Does He Do That?” since I saw it recommended on this sub several times a day. It’s opening my eyes to what I put up with. The unhealthy behaviors. The emotional abuse. The mental exhaustion I have suffered.

I won’t lie. I miss who he was in the beginning. The sweet guy. The promises. The love. The care. The above-and-beyond romantic gestures. But they had vanished only months into the relationship–after we exchanged I love you’s–and then the jealousy came out. The insecurity. Nitpicking what I said and how I said it. Even how I apologized wasn’t good enough. His controlling tendencies.

He demanded I not talk to my friends about it—even after the break up he asked that I not talk to our mutual friends about our break up.. I could never make him happy. Please, please, if you read this and think it reminds you of your relationship…please know you can do better. I am single now and have been the last two weeks, but the moment we broke up I felt relief. I felt a weight being lifted off of me. I have my time again.

I can do what I want, when I want, without worrying how he will feel or how he will react or how long our fight will last or trying to manage the anxiety he made me feel.. It can get better.

Look up “signs of emotional abuse” and click the link with over 60 examples. Google “why does he do that PDF” and just read the first ten pages online. If it resonates with you, then know that you have taken a very essential first step towards a happier, healthier you.

I know I still have some ways to go. I am still trying to convince myself it was an emotionally a**sive relationship, that I was not overreacting, that I can’t go back, that I can do better, that my future self deserves better, that he was not the one.

I had been so sure he was. But I just have to keep trusting my gut. It’s hard not messaging him. I feel pathetic for even considering it. I used to be stronger. Maybe I’m still strong. I just have to get it back. Keep practicing. Keep being strong.. Anyway. Thank you for reading.

These are the responses from Reddit users:

backseat_adventurer −  I’m so glad you’re out. Just one piece of advice- do tell your mutual friends. Tell the one you’re closest to in that group of friends the full story. Then slowly clue in the others. Be kind, polite and don’t pan him. Just make it clear that you really tried and it’s really sad it didn’t work out but he never seemed to be happy with you etc.

Maybe give general indications that there is more to the story. If they ask further just say you tried hard but it just wasn’t enough for him. Say you hope he can find whatever he’s looking for. Do this because he will absolutely trash you to these people.

ainjel −  Proud of you, OP. Hang in there. ❤️

Queen_Of_Ashes_ −  u/LeBronzeFlamez, u/Will11994, u/kelsnuggets. Thank you all for your comments previously. Here’s the update if you’re interested. Best to you ❤️

gayshrug −  Hey as a person who is at this very moment leaving a relationship because my life is falling apart before my eyes and my bf can’t help but feel sorry for himself (because it is just too taxing on HIM that I was about to die, among too many other s**t stuff) I want to say..

You don’t have to be abused to leave. You are allowed to be happy in your only life. If your partner can’t give what you need, you have to leave. You can find a new way to be in a different form of relationship, where what you like in each other can stay intact (not with abusers though those have to go)

You don’t have to be beaten to rock bottom. You are allowed to be happy. You are allowed to make choices that are good for you, just because you deserve it. The only thing that is wrong in life is to hurt other people, and when we do we have to own up to our mistakes and apologies.

Live your life in love. It’s cheesy, but like. Try to be good to everyone, including yourself. ETA: this is not to argue with this post, which is great and I am so so so proud of you OP. Let’s go be happy

LaughingABitTooLoud −  He says I didn’t “comfort” him the way he wanted me to. Then tell me what comforts you. A hug followed by complete silence. Food. Movie night. Reassurance. Affirmation. Ideas to fix the thing. It’s like, f**k, dude, be an adult.

I reiterate what I had said. He reiterates that it’s not what he wanted to hear. Then tell me what you need to hear. It’s like, *f**k,* dude, **be an adult.** Good riddance to bad man-baby rubbish. I left a guy last year for a lot of reasons, but what made it hard was that he had narrowed his world to me and only me.

I couldn’t leave him alone and helpless, but that’s how he manipulated me into staying for so much longer than I wanted to. Healing is going to be quite the journey, and I’m proud of you for starting it now.

AMerrickanGirl −  Good for you! Too many people stay in terrible relationships out of the belief that they can’t do better. Wrong! Being single is better than this.

Embonious −  no advice here, but you sound like a very fun and caring person- planning the trip and doing all the driving? Pretty sweet. Taking care of those you know feel vulnerable in unknown social settings? Extremely kind.

You can’t ever win when the goalposts are constantly moving. Sounds like your ex bf needs to do a deep dive into why he’s unable to stand beside someone in a relationship as an individual who can communicate, self soothe, and have an overall self awareness about his own dysfunctional tendencies. I get a sense he is jealous of your ability to interact with the world in a more adventurous and positive way. Luckily, his bs is no longer your issue!

CaitlinisTired −  Hey, I just got out of a horribly a**sive relationship myself, both s**ual and emotional and so m**ipulative. One thing that hit me with your post; “I miss the old him” – I felt that way too,

I missed who he was at the beginning when he was affectionate with me and understanding of my mental health and just all around really sweet and loving, but then I realised that him never existed.

He was always the guy who abused me; he’d put his ex through similar s**t and they broke up a year before I met him, tried to cheat on me right before we met the first time (ldr) while texting me how much he loves me the whole time, there were a lot of red flags in the beginning of the relationship I missed too.

He was always a scummy person I was just blinded by love and wearing rose tinted glasses the whole time. The old him I fell in love with only existed as a front to lure me in and get me to be so infatuated with me he could abuse me as he wanted. The man (or boy from the sounds of it) you fell for probably never existed either, falling in love just blinds us to these things

Rizzaroni −  F**king hell, that relationship sounds just downright exhausting! Life’s too short to walk on eggshells and constantly tiptoe around trying to avoid unwarranted hurt feelings of an insecure partner.

I’m such an a**hole I’d probably have told him that “those issues all sound like” you” problems.” I have zero patience though lol. Kodos to you and having patience as long as you did.

You absolutely sacrificed your own comfort and feelings to make him feel better first and foremost though it was a losing battle. Glad to see it you recognized it was unhealthy and not the relationship for you though!

CharleyCatPotato −  I have nothing new to add. I lived this s**t for 9 years. It fucked me up to the point of psychiatric hospital for 5 weeks, d**g addiction to stop feeling so useless etc and eventually 1 year in rehab. During which I left his ass and started my life over.

After rehab I was 2,5 years single (he pulled a number on me, OP). I took my time to heal, to find self-love, self respect, self-esteem etc. His g**lighting fucked me up so bad. I always walked on eggs, I always doubted myself.

At some stage I stopped talking because I was scared that he would find offensive words in my repertoire that he could use against me. Spoiler: He always did. He challenged my words, my thinking, my tone, my intentions, everything. I was LITERALLY too afraid to talk. And I was 41 at the time, can you imagine. Never ever again. So so so happy for you and how you handled it – like a champ.

Do you think the user made the right decision to end the relationship, or was there room for reconciliation? Have you ever been in a relationship where you felt emotionally drained and unsupported? Share your thoughts and personal experiences below!