Update: I [26F] missed an important funeral and now I think my 5 year relationship with my partner [28M] might be over.

A Reddit user shared an emotional update about their decision to end a 5-year relationship after a series of painful events. Despite trying to mend the relationship through therapy and communication, the user’s partner remained distant and unsupportive, even during a major milestone in their career.

The breaking point came when he lashed out following her academic success, leading her to decide it was time to prioritize her own well-being. She’s now planning to leave the UK and return to her home country, ready to focus on rebuilding her life. Read the full update below.

‘ Update: I [26F] missed an important funeral and now I think my 5 year relationship with my partner [28M] might be over.’

I just wanted to first say thank you very much for all of your advice, it was really helpful, it made me feel like less of a terrible person and made me realise that my boyfriend is still mourning the loss of his grandmother. My SO and I had a long discussion the night I posted for advice on Reddit; and we agreed that we wanted to be together but that something needed to change in our relationship.

We set some basic ground rules; we both agreed to start seeing separate therapists, him for his grief and troubles with his Dad and me for my lack of confidence and stress management. He again asked for space, so he moved out of our bedroom and into the spare bedroom in our flat. I also booked a flight home for a few weeks to visit my own family, and I am set to leave in 4 days.

We were making some good progress this week, enjoying time with each other, going to the park, just generally trying to reconnect. After sleeping in the spare bed for 5 days, he decided to move back into our room, and I was very happy about that. Up until 2 days ago I genuinely thought that we were going to make it through this.

Things came to a head last night; I received my grades back from the school. I am very proud to say that I got an A on my research project, and one of my urban design proposals has also been nominated by my school for a Gold award from the RIBA. I am incredibly proud, this year was definitely the most difficult in my entire life and I did not expect to do as well as I actually did, I literally just wept when I get my results.

I sent my SO a long message, letting him know how I did, and about the nomination, but more importantly thanking him for being there to support me through my degree. I told him I loved him, and that I was glad we were working together on our relationship. He came home that night fuming; he was so angry. He just yelled at me for basically an hour,

about my lack of confidence in my own work, and about how I didn’t need to miss his grandmother’s funeral. He told me he hated me, and after that I sort of just numbed out. I don’t really remember much of what he said after that, I just stopped talking and listening. My final, end of year show is happening this week. It’s a huge celebration of the student’s work;

I’ve filled an entire wall to exhibit my architectural work and my research results. During the end of year show a lot of people find jobs, so it’s important for us to be there to network and talk about our projects with people in the industry; I did this for my boyfriend last year when he exhibited his own work,

I spent 6 hours at that event talking to different people about how amazing his work was. This morning he told me not to expect him to come tonight, because he needs to go to the gym. I’m flying home in 4 days, and I can tell that he just wants me to leave and never come back, which is what I am doing. I have stuck with all my promises that I made to him,

I’ve supported him as best I could and I’ve begun seeing a therapist. He hasn’t even called his GP to get a referral to a therapist yet. He doesn’t want to fix our relationship; he just wants to keep me around to pay half of our rent and to use as a punching bag. So we’re over, I just paid my final half of the rent, and I’m moving back to my home country.

I was originally only planning on returning for a few weeks, but with this ‘Brexit’ vote looking so grim I don’t really see the point in being in the UK anymore. Why return and find a job here when I will most likely be asked to leave in a year? I Like the UK, and I love my boyfriend, but it seems neither wants me so I’m going home to take care of myself.

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

[Reddit User] −  He is dealing so badly with this I am stunned… Take care OP and good luck with finding a good job wherever you live! Too bad for him…

MissTheWire −  Congratulations on all of your success. I suspect some of your boyfriend’s resentment at the parents who didn’t take care of him transferred to you. You are right that without him getting therapy for deep-seeded issues, your relationship will not survive. Good luck! This Brexit thing isn’t over till its over. Polls are often wrong.

IncredibleBulk2 −  Hate? He hates you? You really supported him to the best of your ability. I have to say he probably had expectations of the relationship that were different than yours. You saw yourselves as equals and he saw you as a supporting role in his life. Your life sounds awesome btw. I’m so sorry you endured this, but damn woman. You are so strong to keep your head up and keep kicking ass the whole way through. Do awesome things.

AnnaNass −  Just out of curiosity: Does he already know that you won’t come back? If so, what was his reaction? If no, do you plan on telling him somehow? Also, I think you made the right choise. I can certainly imagine that he will come around at one point and realise how idiotic his behaviour was, but I can totally see why you wouldn’t want to wait for this since this day could also never come.

NekoNina −  Congratulations on your graduation and success, OP! I’m sorry it’s come with such a painful personal situation. However, I think you’re doing the right thing. There are a lot of clear, obvious red flags in your descriptions of your boyfriend’s behavior. The verbal punching bag stuff in particular is horrible.

But honestly, the point I keep getting hung up on in your post is the fact that your boyfriend refused to attend your final show because he had to go to the gym.. The freaking gym. You described how important this show is to people in your field and how you spent hours the year before networking in support of your boyfriend’s work.

He drew a direct parallel between you missing his grandmother’s funeral because you were racing to finalize the culmination of your educational career (after many supportive acts following her death) and him missing this vital final show of your work because he was going to a gym for a random workout. That just blows my mind.

I cannot even express how unreasonable and disrespectful he’s being. Grieving or not, some words can’t be excused and some actions can’t be taken back. I’m glad you’re moving on and have found a great job, though I’m so sorry about the painful circumstances prompting you to do so. Good luck and be well.

OneTwoWee000 −  This guy is such a piece of s**t. He’s emotionally and verbally abuse you. Grief is not give you a pass to use someone as an emotional punching bag.
Congrats on your exams! And good luck on the networking!

barelyabrunette_ −  People so often place the dead above the living and I don’t understand. It’s necessary to grieve, but why is it necessary to grieve at the cost of your future?

Theseuseus −  So, here’s the thing. Grief is an insane, unpredictable, uncontrollable monster that often brings out the very, very worst in us. When I lost my father, I was angry, vile, and mean. I lashed out at everyone. I ruined relationships with very important people in my life and I regret it. Your boyfriend might be going through the same thing.

I’m decently sure that his behavior toward you isn’t personal, nor is it really about you. He’s in pain. Pain makes people do things they wouldn’t normally do. He’s gonna act crazy because right now, he damn well is. He doesn’t even really know what he’s doing: he’s acting on pure emotion.

The loss of a loved one is a crazy, crazy time. I can tell you this with certainty: make sure you really, *really* want to leave, because if you do now, it’s unlikely you’ll come back. You can try to stick it out and work through the grief. It’s possible. I’ve known people who have done it. Or you can leave and start over. The choice is yours.

thebearofwisdom −  Congratulations, you’ve done really well in the circumstances. I’m sorry that your relationship isnt functioning as it used to. I wanted to tell you that you werent wrong to concentrate on your school work. Yes, its your partner’s family, but we both know that would not be a valid excuse in university.

I’ve seen them ask for death certicates as proof before and thats only for immediate family. I feel for your partner, because my grandmother practically raised me and I would be so lost without her. However, that is my own feeling. I wouldnt be angry at someone if they couldnt go to a funeral with me.

Even if it was my partner, I think that if the reason is very important, which yours is, then that is okay. He’s grieving and is lashing out at you because youre the closest to him and thats what people do. It is not the correct way of dealing with it but they do. I think he does need some space.

And you should at least let him know that you are thinking of staying with your own family, and not returning. I’m sorry that this referendum is affecting your decision too, honestly, if I could up and go I would. and I’m British. I cant stand it, and we’ll be losing thousands and thousands of great people if it does happen.

Honestly I’m scared, and I would just leave if I could. I cant imagine what it feels like to be on the receiving end of all this leave rhetoric. You’ll be okay, I can tell. You’re smart and a lot stronger than you think for persevering through your degree. Best wishes to you, whatever your decision.

SpyGlassez −  Op, my boyfriend and I had only been together 6 months when my grandma died. It was during the time of his midterms. I of course went to spend her last days with her; by the time he finished and left to join me, she passed away while he was on the way.

She was a second mother to me and I had desperately wanted him to meet her. I was disappointed and a little hurt, and every once in a while I still am sad she never met him since he is now my husband, but I never took that out on him. Your partner’s grief was understandable; his treatment of you was wrong and you were right bit to stay there and be his punching bag.

Sometimes, walking away is the best choice for your own growth and happiness. Do you think the user made the right decision by choosing to leave the relationship and focus on herself? Share your thoughts and words of encouragement below!