UPDATE: I (26F) have been giving gifts to my boyfriend (29M)’s family at many celebrations, without anything in return. Do I continue?

A Reddit user updates her story about the gift-giving dilemma with her boyfriend’s (29M) family. Despite initially deciding to skip Christmas with them due to the newborn’s health concerns, she received messages from her boyfriend’s family about sending gifts.

His sister asked for a gift for her toddler, and his mother suggested an extra gift for the child to help her feel special. The user, already feeling pressured from previous gift-giving, discusses how she’s navigating this expectation and how her boyfriend plans to handle communication. Read the full story below:

For those who want to read the previous part: https://aita.pics/bSmnA

‘ UPDATE: I (26F) have been giving gifts to my boyfriend (29M)’s family at many celebrations, without anything in return. Do I continue?’

Some commenters suggested that I was not being appreciative of being invited to family events, so I thought that maybe I was being too harsh. Well, with Christmas coming up, I (26F) was invited to Christmas with my boyfriend (29M)’s family, but given his sister (28F) just had her second child with some health complications,

we had a conversation and decided it made sense for me not to join them as I’ve been flying a lot for work and don’t want to put the newborn at risk. That made the conversation about doing joint gifts super easy with my boyfriend, since I physically wouldn’t be there.

Out of the blue yesterday though, I received a text from my boyfriend’s sister “reminding” me of their house address to ship gifts to (even though I’ve driven there multiple times). Then, about an hour later, I receive a text from my boyfriend’s mother telling me about how the sister’s daughter (toddler) has been a little upset recently given the new baby,

and that it would be great to get the toddler an extra gift to make her feel “special” since the attention has been on the newborn, on top of whatever I was planning to get the newborn. She did top it off with a “you always give such nice gifts!” as a nice compliment.

For context, I grew up in a family that taught me not to buy gifts that you wouldn’t want to receive. I bought very nice things for boyfriend’s sister’s kids for her daughter’s birthday (toys + nice name brand clothing like Nike, Northface), and the latest baby shower for the newborn.

I brought this to the attention of my boyfriend, and he mentioned he’d let them know that he was bringing our gifts, but I have a feeling they’ll misinterpret to think that we’re still getting separate gifts.

We will see how it goes next week, but I’ve been super put off by the texts that I’ve gotten from his family – it seems pretty blatant that they want gifts from me and are expecting it, but I’m glad that my boyfriend is planning to take care of the communications…

Check out how the community responded:

AlannaAdvice −  Ummm, that crazy entitlement. Clearly you give great gifts and they want more. But asking for gifts like that is very off putting. I don’t blame you for feeling that way. From now on, only give joint gifts with your bf. Nip this in the bud now …

Material_Cellist4133 −  Who the hells takes gifts but doesn’t give? To the point where they call you for the gift. Also, people saying being invited is the gift, are TAKERS. They don’t give gifts. So don’t listen to their advice. What kind of cheap-ass family are you dealing with? You sure you want to be married into this type of family?

Historical-Hall-2246 −  Text back, “Oh yeah! Thanks for the reminder. Here’s mine.”

trishsf −  I’m second hand embarrassed by their behavior. Beyond tacky. I would bake something for Christmas or do the joint gifts. It’ll be interesting to see if everyone gets you a Christmas gift. If you were married, they wouldn’t expect a gift from each of you, so…literally asking you to soothe the toddler with a gift is beyond inappropriate.

It’s okay to say that to son/brother but holy expectations. If you go to a party or get an invite, of course you take or send a gift. When you both go, you buy a joint gift. The texts… too much.

PileaPrairiemioides −  I’m very troubled by how your boyfriend is just taking this in stride. The level of entitlement, to text you about sending gifts when you’re not even attending, and when they have never gotten anything for you, is shocking.

If my family did this to my partner I would be mortified and be intervening to make sure that they never did something like this again. I would have insisted on buying gifts for my family and putting both our names on it from the beginning.

Would be really concerned that his family being rude and entitled is just so normalized for him that he doesn’t even think it’s a problem, and that if you made a real thing out of it you would become the problem.

Maybe this isn’t a huge deal just yet, but I would worry about this becoming part of a pattern of his family mistreating you and him being OK with it if you plan to stay together long-term.

springflowers68 −  I would not give gifts to his family anymore, except perhaps something like books for the kids. Have any gifts come from both of you and your bf should be the one purchasing them.

If pressed remind them you have never received a gift from any of them so assumed they did not wish to exchange gifts with you. Or have your bf tell them since it is his family. You could also just bring a hostess gift. They are ridiculously entitled. Save your money.

brewcatz −  Honestly, have a serious conversation with your BF about how he’ll respond to questions about not getting the usual thoughtful, separate gifts from you as they clearly expect. It would be unfair and disrespectful for him to answer “well she didn’t feel appreciated since yall don’t gift things to her in return,”

because it puts his family on the defensive and makes you a combative that he’s siding with or managing. He needs to be prepared to tell his family, ” I saw the effort she was putting in to her gifts, and I noticed that it wasn’t being reciprocated, so I let her know that I will handle gifts for my side of the family going forward.”

Alternatively, he could say that with the holidays being expensive, the two of you decided together to handle your separate family’s gifts privately. ANYTHING to make his family understand that 1) yall are a united front on the issue,

so they can’t feel like you’re causing a problem/ turning bf against them, and 2) that they need to take up any grievances about the situation WITH HIM. You do not need to be involved in managing his family’s expectations of your gift giving!!

Abject_Director7626 −  Ufph, $800 is a lot to spend in a year on gifts for 3 people. I would definitely move this to boyfriend’s plate from here on out. My mom always said (in a relationship) not to do something once if you don’t want to be required to do it forever more. Kinda overstated.

I guess maybe moms and sisters like that they see you putting in the effort, but honestly don’t start that as the rule. That YOU will remember bdays, and anniversaries, and YOU will spend time and money in thoughtful shopping etc.

Dont do it. I did it for a decade, it’s thankless and in fact I was blamed for why they weren’t closer. So I quit, and it’s amazing. If he didn’t remember their bday a week before to shop and wish them a happy bday ir whatever, it isn’t on you. You are in charge on your family. He is in charge of his.

Dear_Parsnip_6802 −  Why has your bf never asked them why they don’t get you a gift? After this amount of time it’s just plain rude.

Haunting-Comb-9723 −  Do you want to spend the rest of your life like this? Edit to add: honestly, think into the future. I can see them getting him gifts, getting your kids gifts and you’re just sitting there. And what will you say when your kids notice and ask why Grandma and Grandpa and aunt and uncle don’t get you any Christmas presents? What will you say?

It seems that gift expectations can sometimes feel overwhelming, especially when you’re already putting thought into giving. How can this user manage these continued expectations,

especially when it feels like there’s an unspoken obligation? Is it time for a candid conversation with her boyfriend’s family, or does she continue to navigate it quietly? What do you think? Share your thoughts below!