[UPDATE] I [25f] asked my SO [25m] what I thought was a reasonable question. He thinks it was loaded and unfair.

A woman revisited her relationship struggles with her boyfriend, which stemmed from conflicting attachment styles. After trying therapy and open communication, they mutually decided to part ways, acknowledging their differences despite still caring deeply for each other. She’s navigating the heartbreak and reflecting on her journey. Read her emotional update below.

‘ [UPDATE] I [25f] asked my SO [25m] what I thought was a reasonable question. He thinks it was loaded and unfair.’

After the events of the post, I sent my boyfriend an email (after we spoke on the phone and I voiced all my concerns), essentially saying that I loved him but we had different needs. He wrote me a long email back, which was very surprising to me since he doesn’t like to show emotion in any way.

He said he feels as if he’s become a shell of a person and that he would really like to work on things. I agreed to try, vowing to myself that something major had to change. During all this, I bought ‘Attached’ by Amir Levine (after a few commenters suggested it). It completely changed my outlook.

I identified so strongly with the anxious attachment style and I really felt my boyfriend was avoidant. A lot of our problems made sense. I started to work on sorting through those issues individually in therapy.

I tried to put a stop to my protest behaviours completely (threatening to leave during fights, ignoring messages in hopes that he’ll ‘miss me’, asking for reassurance often). I even recommended that he read the book. He read the first chapter and immediately agreed that we were anxious/avoidant.

Over a month later, I’ve felt a growing distance. The future is looming and decisions need to be made. I started doing more without him. Looking at flats alone for once. Yesterday, after weeks of not discussing ‘the relationship’, I asked him if he felt a disconnect too and he said he did and was glad I said it. We then agreed that it wasn’t working and likely never would due to our differences.

I’m pretty devastated. We ended on incredibly good terms and I still think the world of him. It’s hard for me to know if I’m doing the right thing or if I expect too much. He’s such a stable, solid, kind presence in my life and I feel thoroughly alone.

I do realise that I went through this for a reason, it’s just hard to remember that right now. It’s just very raw at the moment. I’m hoping time heals all wounds and this isn’t something I grow to regret.

Thank you to everyone for your support on the last post. It’s really helped me get through all this so far. I go back and read the comments every time I wonder why I went through with this.

See what others had to share with OP:

lucuma −  It is so easy when someone cheats or betrays you, but the relationship where two people are good people but not compatible is sometimes the hardest to end.

feministlunchbox −  It sounds like you made the right decision. Be kind to yourself during this time 🙂

mrbuddhawannabe −  Wow. Thanks for the update. I am amazed how the two of you worked things out in such a mature and aware manner. Good for you.

beattiebeats −  I am also an anxious attachment style, and read that book. It was a light bulb moment – why some relationships I was so overly invested, yet so insecure, with my then-avoidant partners, and why I rejected all secure attachment partners.

I want to offer you reassurance, an anxious attachment style can be made more secure by an understanding secure partner. I really thought I was so broken, but when my met my now-husband he was so patient with me, he knew when to reassure me and when to (gently) challenge me to trust more. You can get there, just be careful and steer clear of future avoidant types, which will only reinforce an anxious attachment.

[Reddit User] −  Wow… I read both posts. That’s an amazing tale of life. I think you did the right thing, for both of you, for whatever the opinion of a stranger is worth. I don’t know what I would do without my boyfriend – hopefully I could handle situations like this as well as you did.

moosetopenguin −  There’s always that initial “did I make the right decision?” right after a break-up, no matter what terms it ended on. It sounds like you did right by you and that is what’s most important. Be kind to yourself and take some time to find happiness on your own ❤️

stayonthecloud −  When you’re feeling down over this, please remind yourself that your ex had checked out of:. * Physically being together. * S** and affection. * Communication?!. * Even doing things together. You could get more tangible connection out of say, that one high school friend you text a few times a year. YOU DID THE RIGHT THING. Hooray! 👏

RageAgainstYoda −  I remember your post! I didn’t comment but I did relate. I dated a guy a lot like this for just under a year. Eventually I realized he was just someone with no real social or emotional needs. It seems completely alien to me, but that’s who he was.

I believe he did care about me inasmuch as he can care about anyone. But the thing is, having me or ANY partner didn’t add to his life, any more than not having one left something missing.

He’d been a shy, nerdy, very late bloomer so maybe he just learned to be solo. I’m not exactly sure. But I’m a fairly emotional person. Not that I’m ruled by emotions or can’t think logically, but my gut level response is usually “How do I feel about this” and THEN “What do I think about this”.

He just seemed to have no opinion, passions, or preference towards or against anything at all. And so we just weren’t right for one another. I’m not sure, ultimately, who WOULD be right for him, but my way of thinking and living probably leaves him asking the same question.

Like “Who cares that much about dinner? About politics when nothing one person does will change the world anyway? Well, I hope she finds another weirdo who does.” Kinda sounds like the same situation with you and your ex. I admire how you handled it. You both tried and found it just wouldn’t work. Fair enough. You parted with respect and that’s the best anyone can hope for, sometimes.

rosedust666 −  Wow. Reading your first post was like looking in a mirror for how my current relationship is going (minus the long distance. We moved in together 4 months ago and somehow I’ve never felt farther apart from him). I’m glad you were able to recognize that the relationship was no longer having a positive affect on your lives, and are moving on to better things. I think I’ve started working on building up the resolve to do the same.

Lennvor −  I think you’re describing something pretty incredible – you struggled in your relationship with this guy; you worked out what was going wrong, and you did research and self-examination and determined that you had your own issues going on and you worked on them, and you successfully communicated your concerns to your boyfriend and you both worked on yourselves and tried to make it work…

And you came to the mutual conclusion that it wasn’t working and that breaking up was best. This sub loves to celebrate “communication saves the day” events, and you might think this isn’t a case of that because you ended up breaking up but I think it absolutely is.

It sounds like you both handled this amazingly, with thoughtfulness and self-reflection and good faith, and it’s unfortunate that it revealed that you are incompatible here and now but maybe it revealed it in a way much more enriching and less damaging than other ways could have.

I understand you feel shattered right now. This was someone you loved and possibly thought you’d live your life with. But from what you wrote, I think years from now you’ll look back on this relationship and period of your life as an excellent time of growth and self-discovery – not to mention learning about relationships and love with someone.

Dan S**age says you shouldn’t define the success of a relationship on whether it ends with the d**th of one or both parties, and I think this may be a good example of that.

Sometimes, love alone isn’t enough to bridge fundamental differences. Have you ever faced a tough decision in a relationship for the sake of your growth or well-being? Share your experiences in the comments.