Update: I (25F) agreed to be a surrogate for my sister and her husband (late 30s), but am regretting it now?

The user returned with an update after deciding to back out of being a surrogate for her sister and brother-in-law. After realizing she wasn’t prepared for the physical, emotional, and psychological challenges of surrogacy—or even pregnancy in general—she informed her sister of her decision.

While her sister initially seemed understanding, a follow-up Zoom call revealed the couple’s disappointment and attempts to guilt her into reconsidering. Standing firm, the user has chosen to prioritize her well-being despite the difficult family dynamics.

‘ Update: I (25F) agreed to be a surrogate for my sister and her husband (late 30s), but am regretting it now?’

All the comments on my previous post showed me that I am way too young, dumb and ignorant with what I signed up with. I started researching actual lived experiences and I read so many horror stories that I’ve decided to not go ahead with being involved in any way, shape or form with helping them have kids.

In fact, I’m not even sure if I want to ever get pregnant after all the stories about 3rd and 4th degree tears, poop, miscarriages. I am clearly not in the right stage of life/maturity to even consider doing something of this magnitude. The difficult part was mustering up the courage to call my sister to tell her my decision.

I really look up to my sister and love her lots, and our family and religion has always been about helping others out where we can. When I called her to tell her, we had a short convo at first where I basically said “sorry, can’t do it but that doesn’t mean I love you any less”.

She seemed sad but said she was happy to respect my decision and I thought that was it. Then just last night, sister & BIL called me back over zoom. My sister was crying and begged me to reconsider, as both of them really wanted biological kids.

BIL told me that they were really disappointed in me and hoped that I would find it within me to do this. When I told them my concerns, my BIL just said pregnancy & motherhood is a beautiful and natural process and that I was made for this.

I’m SO glad I did this over video call instead of in person, because I just hung up on them and faked having connection problems. I’ve been ignoring their texts so far and frankly I don’t know what else to say. But any way, thank you all from the bottom of my heart for opening my eyes 🙂

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

[Reddit User] −  I would really like to know how they justify him wanting to sleep with you to concieve the child. And don’t sorry about it. A loving sister would’ve never even put you in this position.

[Reddit User] −  I’ve been ignoring their texts so far and frankly I don’t know what else to say “I really don’t know what else to say. My decision is final. I wish you luck in figuring something out, but I’m not discussing this any further.”

If that doesn’t work, maybe send your sister a message telling her this whole thing has creeped you out and she should find another way to get in contact with you if she needs help, and then put them both on mute if that’s the only way to stop the texts.

[Reddit User] −  After reading your original post, both your sister and BIL make me sick. *They wanted you to h*ve s** with him to get you pregnant*. What if it didn’t work the first time? You would have essentially been on call to f**k your brother in law at least every month until he knocked you up.

That’s so disgusting, and I’m sad for you that your family thought it was a great idea. I’m glad you backed out, though!

TipsyMagpie −  Be very careful OP. It really seems as though your BIL has manipulated this whole thing in an attempt to justify h*ving s** with you. The baby was just the justification, he wants to h*ve s** with you and then see you pregnant with his baby.

It seems as though he is heavily pressurising your sister, she was fine with your decision until she informed him you’d changed your mind, then she was back to wanting to persuade you to change your mind.

Please make sure you’re never alone with him, it sounds as though he won’t respect your right to say no and it doesn’t seem like your sister would have your back if it came down to a choice between you and him.

[Reddit User] −  So he’s dragging her on to zoom so she can witness him berating you for not f**king him over and over? Your poor sister – her marriage sounds fucked.
SHE was fine about this – disappointed obviously but she understood and behaved sanely and graciously about this.

Her husband, your BIL, however, is so far out of line that I’d wonder about his sanity. He’s obviously the one driving all this insanity and boy is he pissed. And he’s so STUPID – like, shouting at you is the way to get you to agree? He shouldn’t be *allowed* to breed.

thepinkprioress −  You made the right decision. Your BIL is extraordinarily creepy and m**ipulative about this. What you should’ve started with was, “I don’t want to sleep with you. Ever.” How do you even justify that? Sleeping with your SIL to make a baby. No, he wants to sleep with you and make a baby you’d partially be on the hook for if you don’t take the proper, legal channels.

Neutrum −  So he thinks you were made for motherhood, yet he doesn’t actually want you to *be* the mother. Got it.. He sounds toxic.

egonhartley −  That’s so m**ipulative to ring you over zoom and try to guilt you into it with tears. Glad you stood up for yourself and made a decision. (IMO the right decision!) Proud of you!

Leohond15 −  I didn’t see the original post but quickly skimmed this. HOLY HELL, who on earth would want this to happen? Honestly I think your BIL just wanted to f**k you and your poor sister is so baby hungry she’s pretending that makes it ok and can’t see he’s being awful.

And really, the thing I find MOST disturbing? *They can totally afford IVF and an actual surrogate.* Seriously, I could see if they were really poor but the fact they they can afford a normal surrogacy process and are choosing not to is just…wtf man.

If they bring it up again you should tell them that they just need to go find an actual surrogate like normal people, not think they’re entitled to your damn body.