UPDATE: I [24F] am at the end of my rope with my wife [27F].

A Reddit user shared an update after deciding to leave her marriage with her hoarder wife, a decision that has brought clarity and happiness. Despite emotional and logistical challenges, she is now thriving in a supportive new environment, with a budding relationship and an exciting new job. Read her story of resilience and rediscovery below.

‘ UPDATE: I [24F] am at the end of my rope with my wife [27F].’

Hello, everyone. [I wrote here two months ago about my relationship with my wife.] She was a hoarder and had a litany of other issues that were above my pay grade. I asked Reddit if I should leave by July 1, and it was unanimous that I absolutely should.. I didn’t leave July 1.. I left the night of June 30.

The cleaning didn’t get done, surprising literally no one. We were driving to our apartment and I told her that I was really crestfallen about July 1. “Why? Is that a bad date for you or something?”

I was furious, but kept it to myself. I told her how I felt, and I reminded her of my deadline. I told her that I was moving out and that I was done. She cried and cried and cried, and begged for a week to clean the apartment to “show that she was committed to this marriage”.

I said that she was free to do it, but I wasn’t going to sleep there during that, and I moved in with my friend. We agreed to reassess the condition of the apartment Sunday morning. She told me how spiritually edifying it was to clean. I was really optimistic for a bit.

Wednesday comes and my FIL calls me, frantic. He’s like a dad to me. He tells me that my wife emailed him (which she never talks to him unless she has to), and I asked why. He told me that she begged him to tell me to ‘come back home’. He remarked that it was bizarre, but I was incensed. “No, FIL, it’s not bizarre, it’s s**tty. She’s trying to leverage you though our relationship to get me back.”

Saturday comes and she sends me a message on Facebook saying “you know, it doesn’t look as good as I wanted it to physically, but I feel like I’ve made a lot of progress emotionally and *isn’t that what matters?*”

I told her that such progress would have been appreciated two years ago, but I had to walk- I couldn’t do it any more. She spent money online with our card without informing me on yarn and we had a disagreement about it. I told her that I wanted the bank account closed, but she “couldn’t bear to see me in person”. I redirected my checks to a new account instead.

It had been weeks and I finally went back to get my things and it got a lot worse. There was a water leak in the carpet, the litter boxes weren’t taken care of since I took care of them the day I left, and she managed to move the microwave into her bedroom. The latter was particularly surprising because she refused to move anything heavier than 10 lbs because of a cited rotator cuff injury for years and yet got a 40 lbs microwave into her room.

I reported the conditions to my MIL, who co-signed the lease with us. She called me back to bemoan “what am I going to do about my daughter? You don’t understand how hard it is to have to think about how to take care of her!”

I snapped at MIL about her nonsense. She asked me what she should do about my ex-wife, feeding her histrionic personality. I told her that I had no idea, but she signed papers 27 years ago that made it her responsibility and not mine.

I’m happily living with my friend. Her and I are currently figuring out what we are, but we’re being supportive of each other and making each other lives easier. We both just celebrated birthdays (happy quarter-century!) and that was perfect.

I’ve been told that my ex-wife has had a much more rigid and stoic affect since I left. MIL told me that she didn’t even say she missed me. “It’d be nice if she came back.” I heard from FIL that they’re mad that the car I have is in my name; it was given to me as a graduation present, and was an old family car. I start my new job tomorrow. I’ve been getting ready all last week and I am so nervous but so excited.. I’m really glad I left.

Check out how the community responded:

feedyourhalien −  You need to close the bank account you own jointly. If she overdraws and doesn’t pay, you will be just as responsible even if you didn’t make the charges! It only takes one person to close a bank account so you shouldn’t need to get her there.

donadee −  Can you call animal control for the cats? Good for you for moving on! Best of luck

[Reddit User] −  “Currently figuring out what we are” Be careful op if you are still legally married in case your wife somehow finds out until the divorce is settled. Depending on what state you’re in and what you both agreed on (doesn’t sound like your wife agreed), it might have ramifications despite the clear hoarder situation.

redditqueen88 −  You should get the cats. They don’t deserve a horrible life in that apartment full of cat s**t and garbage.

Greyhound_Throwback −  I feel like I need to clarify the comment about my friend. We were estranged when I got with my wife, so the “figuring out what we are” is figuring out what bygones are bygones.

goshyarnit −  Good for you OP!!! This hit hard for me – I’m 9 months in on therapy for hoarding. It is a hard fight with my own brain every dang day, but I WANTED to change and be better. It’s a huge rock to crawl out from under and I hope your ex can do that for herself, because it seems like she was just trying to drag you under the rock too. You deserve a good life. I wish you all the happiness in the world.

icefire9 −  She called me back to bemoan “what am I going to do about my daughter? You don’t understand how hard it is to have to think about how to take care of her!” Okay, this irked me. You’re the one who had to freaking live with her! Now her mom is heaping guilt trip on you because *she’s* o**rwhelmed.

Arbiter51x −  Ok, but your f**k up is that you haven’t legally separated from her. All money and debts and contracts (lease) are still jointly bound and she is dragging you down too. You needed to speak to a divorce attorney before your July 1st deadline.

[Reddit User] −  First of all, congratulations on taking the steps to leave, and good luck on your new job! \ She spent money online with our card without informing me on yarn and we had a disagreement about it. I told her that I wanted the bank account closed, but she “couldn’t bear to see me in person”. I redirected my checks to a new account instead.

I feel this should be dealt with, I don’t know if you have a LOC or overdraft, or any way for that account to accumulate debt, but I see no reason to keep the account as a potential liability at all.

I am not sure where you are in the divorce process and if there was any division of assets, what is in the account etc, maybe speak to your lawyer, but you should be able to close out without your ex present. Good luck OP I hope your life continues on the upward trajectory that you are working so hard on!

MadamOverlordess −  Really happy that you’re moving forward with your life and not letting her hold you back. Stay strong, friend!

What’s a pivotal moment when you realized it was time to prioritize your well-being over someone else’s demands? How did it change your life? Share your journey of rediscovery or thoughts!