[Update]: I [23F] have always had intense, toxic relationships. Finally in a healthy relationship with a great guy [26M] and no idea if what I’m feeling is normal.

A 23-year-old woman shared an update on her journey from toxic relationships to a healthy romance with her 26-year-old boyfriend. Initially uncertain about her feelings due to the lack of intensity she’d experienced in past relationships, she decided to stick with him and focus on enjoying their time together.

Her patience paid off as they recently celebrated six months together and discovered a deep and meaningful connection. Read on to hear how she grew to appreciate the calm, steady love she once questioned.

For those who want to read the previous part: https://aita.pics/odAmQ

‘ [Update]: I [23F] have always had intense, toxic relationships. Finally in a healthy relationship with a great guy [26M] and no idea if what I’m feeling is normal.’

A few months ago I wrote about dating an actually stable guy after only having toxic relationships. The post got more traction than I expected so I figured it might be nice to do an update. Thank you so much to everyone who replied to my post, all the replies really helped.

As it turns out, the guy I was seeing found the Reddit post, clicked that it was me, and talked to me about it. Turns out he actually felt the same way in terms of low intensity but he liked that, and I decided to keep dating him for as long as we kept having fun together.

Well, I’m happy to say that last week we celebrated being together for six months, and that we are quite madly in love with each other 🙂 After we talked I took the advice of some of the commenters and tried to just enjoy my time with him instead of worrying about the depth of my feelings.

I soon realised that he’s a kind, thoughtful, intelligent person and we totally get each other. He makes me laugh with the most inane stuff and he thinks my dumb jokes are funny too. We can talk for hours and hours about anything at all and I rarely feel like I have to justify or explain my point of view at all – he just understands me.

One of the first times I knew I was really falling in love, we were chatting in bed, and suddenly it was 3 in the morning and I realised we’d been chatting for three hours without a single awkward pause. I’ve rarely had that with anyone else, and never with a previous boyfriend.

I think most of the commenters were right. My other longest relationships were all built around toxic intensity and wild passion, and while this relationship definitely isn’t lacking in the bedroom, I’d say it’s much more built on a sort of close friendship and respect for each other.

It’s certainly not as filled with longing and deep passion as other relationships I’ve had, but honestly I prefer being with him. I feel like I have not just someone to go out with or to cuddle up to, but a genuine life partner – somebody who supports me, who I can talk to about anything,

someone who makes me want to be a better person. It just took me a while to realise how much better that calmer, more peaceful love is instead of the rollercoaster/intensely toxic relationships, and I almost made the mistake of thinking that it was boring and throwing it away.

I really just needed time to get used to dating someone who doesn’t play games and displays his affection openly and frequently.

We did have some slight issues with communication to start with – mainly me being afraid to bring issues up/suggest things because of other boyfriends overreacting terribly in the past – but after we talked a lot he’s been very supportive and proven himself to be a mature enough adult that he can handle occasional criticism without getting super defensive.

It’s been really refreshing to be in such a drama-free relationship where we can argue or talk about issues in a really healthy way. Thank you to everyone who replied – you all helped a lot and I’m really glad I took your advice and didn’t just break up with him. I love him a lot and I can see us being together a long time. Thanks 🙂

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

MissLoranga −  5 years ago I started to date a guy and felt like you did in the beginning. 2 days from now we are getting married! The thing is that the excitement it lacked in the beginning came later and I keep falling deeper and deeper in love him! Now I feel butterflies when he texts me and get all excited getting home from work to see him.

tinaxbelcher −  He sounds like a keeper, I’m so happy for you!

AviatorXo −  I’m currently going through this whole issue myself and reading both of your posts and the comments has helped me see things differently. I’ve spent the last three weeks trying to decipher if I really have romantic feelings for this man or just seek his friendship.

I’ve been waiting for the spark I usually chase after which has always ended horribly. Thank you for sharing, you’re helping so many other women and men in your position. Congrats girl!

Zathyrra −  Very happy for you! I can relate to how weird it feels to have a non-dysfunctional relationship for the first time, but boy is it worth it!

Ladygytha −  So often the exciting highs can come from a comparison with very hurtful lows. The “oh my gods this is incredible” comes as an aftereffect of “oh my gods why would you do this to me” and it makes the good seem so much better. It’s not, it’s just comparatively better.

Your brain says oh hell yes when it’s been saying oh hell no for a while. At least that’s how it was for me. When I finally met people who wanted to be with me, it was boring. But in reality, my “normal meter” was broken.

My sense of self was shattered. I didn’t feel like I deserved the good feelings unless I had to work for them. Then I figured out that not everything had to be a fight and not every kiss had to be passionate. It took a bit to accept that.

Good on you for figuring it out earlier than I. Life is both short and long. Finding a good partner is key. Best of luck to you and your person. May it be full of laughter, love, and long conversations without unnecessary drama.

SassyHoseDragger −  So good to hear. I recently stumbled upon attachment theory and feel it explained my relationship woes. As an anxious type that dates avoidants… The book said a healthy attachment relationship would feel boring at first and to stick it out. Nice to see that reflected in your experience. Congrats!

brockinc −  I’m super stoked for you! I just read both posts and I can tell by the way you talk that you sound happier. I’m currently in the same shoes, with someone where it’s so easy, and relaxed that it makes my anxiety go nuts lol.

But you learn to grow, and after a year with my man I have grown from the trauma. And it looks as though you have grown into a wonderful partner. Happy anniversary!

Faithyxox −  I’m really happy for you! Both of my past relationships have been toxic, and so your story has given me great insight into how to approach a healthy relationship. Best of luck to you two! ☺️💜

jazwald26 −  I’m sooo glad I’ve found your posts. I’ve been feeling the same way with my current bf of 2 years. I keep thinking about my previous relationships and how passionate I felt. I thought that me and my bf weren’t right for each other or something.

But then you pointed out that you knew your boyfriend would text back, you know he is always there for you and you know you can tell him anything. That “passion”, that “rush”, I was feeling when I was dating douchebags was from not knowing where the relationship going and if they really like me for ME.

Nujwaan −  This is so weird. This sounds like me and my gf word for word and we’re celebrating our 6 month this week too! I’m so happy there are other people like me as my previous ones were toxic just like that and now this feels so chill.