Update: Husband demanded I change clothes multiple times for our date night, then stormed out when I refused after the third time?

A Reddit user returns with an emotional update after her husband stormed out over a disagreement about her outfit for their date night. She reveals that their issues run much deeper, and her husband’s confessions have led to the decision to divorce. Read the full story below.

‘ Update: Husband demanded I change clothes multiple times for our date night, then stormed out when I refused after the third time?’

(Husband was going to take me to dinner and to see the Barbie movie a couple weeks ago, but demanded I change my Barbiecore pink but otherwise modest dress, went through several more iterations of changes that were still not acceptable and then he stormed out, and after that didn’t speak to me for close to a week, saying he was too angry to talk about what I did wrong)

As for the update – I did end up going to my mom’s place for the weekend last weekend and had a nice girls’ weekend with my mom and sister. We did see the movie on Saturday (got to wear my original planned outfit – yay!!!), and then got brunch and had a fun salon outing on Sunday.

Late afternoon Sunday I texted Mark (my husband) to say I was coming home in a couple hours, and that I hoped he would be ready to talk then – that I would gladly hear him out regarding anything that had been upsetting him, but I really couldn’t take the silent treatment anymore as it had been over a week by then. He just texted back “Ok.”
We did talk after I got home, and…boy, it was a d**zy.

It turns out Mark has had building resentment for years, since I first got sick with Covid nearly 3 1/2 years ago now. Not so much in the first few months, but when it was clear my illness had turned into long Covid and an ongoing disability, he started to feel very put-upon due to my not being able to generate as much income, not being able to do my share of the housework and cooking, etc.

He put up a good front because he knew it wouldn’t be fair to take it out on me, especially when he could see I was doing my best to get better and to do what I could on my better days, but ultimately he got very burned out. And then after a year or so…started seeking outlets, as in other women.

He said at first it was just basically anonymous online sexting because the pandemic was still raging, but by early last year he had formed an online emotional connection with someone in the area, whom he eventually met in person for a physical affair, someone he is in love with now and still seeing.

He said he has been trying to figure out what to do, especially as I have been getting better over the past year, lost most of the weight I gained, got back to fulfilling all my responsibilities at work and home, etc., but when I walked out in my Barbiecore dress, expecting to have a romantic birthday date, he just…couldn’t do it.

He couldn’t go out and pretend to love me and be celebratory when he wanted to be with someone else. So he picked a fight, one I couldn’t win. And then yes, when he walked out he did take his AP to dinner and the movie instead. The thing is…I do understand him seeking some kind of an outlet.

I was sick for years, and between physical ailments and brain fog I wasn’t able to participate consistently in the marriage on any level, not as an equal partner. We’d only been married a few months when I got sick so it’s not even like we had a lot of shared history to fall back on.

I’m sure he must have felt exhausted, stressed, and lonely, especially as it wasn’t certain I would be able to recover at all. I asked if he would consider marriage counseling and recommitting to our marriage, but he said sadly that his “heart had moved on.”

He did say he was so sorry, that he never meant to fall in love with someone else and was just trying to be less lonely, and that I didn’t deserve this, that I especially didn’t deserve the way he treated me a couple weeks ago.

So, I guess divorce it is. I don’t expect it will be very dramatic, we’ve been talking a lot over the past week (no more silent treatment) to figure out how to divide stuff and to try to make things cordial.

In the end, I don’t even think he is an AH. Maybe for the way he acted surrounding my birthday, but overall I think he is just a human being who eventually broke down from stress and loneliness. I do wish him well and am also grateful that at least I am healthy again for whatever life has next in store for me.

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

introverted_panda_ −  Your husband is an a**hole and has no idea what marriage is actually about. I suffered a major injury 6 months after my wedding that required several surgeries and a long recovery. My husband had to do everything because I couldn’t even walk and was on heavy pain medication for almost a year.

I mean, he had to help me shower, help me with personal care, things you do not expect to have to do as as newlyweds. I would cry and apologize to him and he would tell me I was ridiculous and this was the “in sickness or in health” part of our marriage and this was what he signed up for.

We had kids after a long period of infertility and I eventually developed chronic conditions that leave me in pain, with brain fog, severe fatigue, and a lot of anxiety and depression.

I even broke down at one point and told him this wasn’t fair to him, that he should be able to be with someone that wasn’t broken forever (I even threw out that I wouldn’t hold it against him if he wanted to take on a mistress even though it would absolutely kill me).

That man sat me down and told me that this is what marriage is. We take care of each other at our worst and at our best. We’re partners and friends and he would choose me and our life with all of its ups and downs a million times if it meant he could be with me.

_That_ is what marriage is. Your husband gave up when s**t got hard and I’m sorry but _LIFE_ is hard. When you get married, it should be to the person you want to do the good and the bad with. Do not give your husband a pass because life got hard for a while.

ETA: First, thank you for the awards. I really didn’t expect this to get this crazy and the notifications are a little overwhelming. I’ve seen several comments that my marriage seems unbalanced and in one case, that I’m a “taker” and my husband will probably off himself when he can’t meet my standards.

First, please consider being kind to people you don’t know because you have no idea what they have going on. Kindness costs you nothing. Second, this was literally two paragraphs about specific topics I thought the OP needed to hear so she didn’t excuse the way her husband treated her.

I’ve been married for almost 20 _years_ and it would take pages and pages for me to go through all the things my husband and I have dealt with over the years. I am functional and an active parent and partner in our home. He worked, I took care of our kids including a special needs child and took care of the house, cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc.

Of course we argue and disagree, but we made a pact when we got married to never go to bed angry and we sit down and hash s**t out. When he lost his beloved grandma within weeks of me miscarrying our first child, I asked him what he needed from me and gave him everything he asked for.

When he lost his mom to COVID and couldn’t be with her when she passed, I took over everything because I could see him falling apart at the idea of having to tell everyone and arrange everything. I build him up every time he struggles with imposter syndrome with his job because the man is brilliant and has no idea.

Our marriage isn’t a scorecard that we keep tally of who’s doing more. I showed my husband this post and he actually agreed with the person that said a husband doing what he has is setting the bar low because to him, that’s just what marriage is. I’m his to take care of and he’s mine.

yamichou82 −  He’s an a**hole, sweetie, he lied to you for like 3 years. You dodged a bullet. Praise Barbie that she removed this man from your life.

wiredhedgehog −  Please get yourself some counselling or therapy, because thinking it’s understandable to be cheated on and lied to and potentially exposed to STDs because you were seriously ill is… wow. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy let alone someone I loved, let alone myself! He is a piece of s**t. You deserve better than to empathise with a piece of s**t, for real.

Waste_Ad_6467 −  Please do not let this guy convince you he is not the bad guy here. “In sickness and in health” are part of the vows for a reason. If the situation was reversed, I’ve no doubt he would have expected twice as much support out of you. You don’t cheat. He is 100% the AH across the board and has been for many years. Please do not take the blame for this. I wish you peace and healing as you move forward.

Outside-Ad-1677 −  So in sickness and in health truly meant f**king nothing to him? Vows meant nothing? You got Covid and it fucked you up for a while and he decided best thing to do was to cheat. What a f**king p**ck. What would he have done if you got cancer? Or some other illness? Is he only happy to stick around with someone if they are 100% healthy all the time? Thank god you never had kids. I’m sorry you’re going through this but f**k that guy.

talking-fruit-bat −  he IS an AH tho. he CHOSE to put himself out there, CHOSE to talk to other people, and CHOSE to cheat. he’s not a victim in this. there were other ways he could feel close to you or otherwise occupy his time. hobbies, talking to friends, etc.

he failed you as the partner and he doesn’t deserve this.. kindness. the marriage is over, he got what he wanted, and he didn’t commit to your vows. length of marriage is regardless, it’s the promise and basic principle. covid was hard on a lot of people, but not hard enough to be a pass for cheating.

IndependentMethod312 −  You were together for 5 years! (Unless I misread your original post). Just because you weren’t married doesn’t mean anything. It was still a committed relationship. He is g**lighting you into believing that it’s your fault he stepped outside your marriage. I’m glad that you are cordial and you can move on peacefully but this man is an AH.

RedSAuthor −  It is sad to see how many husbands abandon their wives when they are sick and are using “I’m lonely and I have needs” excuses.. What about your needs, OP?. He is an AH. I salute you for being this graceful. Good luck in finding a man who will treat you well.. The AP can have your s**fish ex.

No-Difficulty-3768 −  Damn he lied for 3 years, yelled at you about an outfit, and took his mistress to the movies and dinner that was supposed to be YOUR birthday dinner???
I hope the Barbie movie talked some sense into him lmao. So sorry but you’re better off without him. Get yo barbie outfit on and find a new Ken

whoME72 −  While you were sick, he looked elsewhere instead of taking care of his new wife that’s just f**king gross. He’s a s**fish self-centered son of a b**ch. It doesn’t matter how long it took for you to get better. The vowels said, for richer for poorer in sickness, and in health till d**th do us part not I’m sick go find a side piece.

Do you think her husband’s actions were understandable given the circumstances, or should he have approached things differently? How would you handle the end of a relationship like this? Share your thoughts below!